Girl Trouble

Something profound,

I guess it is time for a more personal entry. I dont know mostly I try to keep it profound or at least religious. But my life in the desert is a workbook for my spiritual growth and Melissa is a part of my trip that highlights my need to grow.

Melissa, mnn I have not been nice too her, you know it has been quite the opposed I have been very mean. I use her for sex and companionship on my terms and totally disregard any and all of her wants and needs.

This makes me a bad person, you know. You do not understand this is not who I am. I have rationalized it by saying to my self that I am just getting her back from the pain that she caused when we broke up no I broke up with her. And now I am just leading her along and treating her poorly. She has been nothing but nice to me for the last year. It was a year ago that she accused me of raping her. It hurt you know, particularly because it was not true. We had been dating for months and having sex nearly as long but then all of a sudden she calls it rape. It hurt.

But now, in a sense, I am truly raping her, but not her body but her mind and soul.

I feel justified, she keeps calling me back, she keeps trying to make it work and I take advantage of this vulnerability. I dont trust her. I still feel that it is me that is the victim and I am justified to hurt her. But this is not true; I am just being selfish and inconsiderate. And I have not truly forgiven her. That is why I dont trust her. I have never forgiven her. But then why do I let her back into my life? Is it just the sex? No, thats not it. I left my girlfriend to go back to Melissa, why did I go back?

HELP ME I am lost.

I am honest with her. I have told her of all these feelings and I never lie to her. But that is a brutality in itself. And still she keeps coming round. Just as I am running around in circles. Round and Round we go where it stops nobody knows.

Moving on, I have noticed that I am becoming more attracted to minorities. Particularly, the very attractive black women on campus. My first time was with a black woman. I would love to date one again. i guess this is not a new thing for me. When ever I date someone my own age it is usually with a member of another culture. Japanese, a Russian, an Australian, but the young ones, my little freshmen, they were all white and ultraconservative. Hmmnnn tender young minds I miss those tender young minds. But that is not my thing right now. Now I want a minority. I really do. I have been flirting with this Chinese girl, been in the US for about 3 years. Very bright. But I dont think that I can woo her she is too involved in her work.

Ok I feel better now. I am to move on and not continue to torture Melissa, just disappear and stop coming around. Hopefully she will move on as well and I wont be hurting her anymore.

With love to all,

kit