Dude? Where are we?

So yeah, it’s been a long time since I’ve REALLY updated.  I think I’ll start off by explaining why there are such long gaps between my real updates.  I’ve developed a kind of a quirk, I guess, to where I don’t like writing here unless I’m alone.  And it doesn’t happen often.  I don’t know why this is the case, as it used to not matter at all.  I would update in computer labs and the like back when I first started this, but now, it’s changed.  Maybe it’s because I get so easily distracted.  Also, it’s becoming more difficult to put into words what I experience every day.  I find a lot of times that I’ll get keyed up about something enough to want to write about it, and by the time I get the opportunity, I’ve already burned out my "give a shit" reserves on the subject and just let it drop.  There may be more reasons than that, but those are the only ones that float to the surface.

One of my favorites on here mentioned something about the decision to be less negative about things in their life, and that’s something I’ve been trying to do, but it’s hard.  It’s really hard.  Or difficult, or whatever.  I think it’s hardest when Tina promises things and doesn’t deliver.  I want to trust her to do the things she says she will.  She’s improved so much, but still has a long way to go.  And it sucks because even now, every time she says she’ll do something, I believe her. I throw my whole heart behind the thought that she will do it because she loves me and wants to make me happy and doing those things is how I feel loved by her.  Yet, I come home from work and it’s not done, and her computer is up and she’s absorbed into Farmville or some stupid Facebook crap like that.

I’ve broken down several times over that.  We’re both waiters, I guess. Waiting on the other to do the thing that they said they were going to do.  Except I get tired of looking at the mess and muster up the energy to do something where she doesn’t.  If I ask her to help me, she will.  But I will also most likely do it alone if she’s not there, where she won’t.  So, one of the times I broke down, I brought that up, as I have countless other times. And I told her that with working full time and some part time, I just don’t have the energy to compete with Facebook. And how I feel when she does these things, it’s like she loves them more than me.  She has ADHD, and I realize that it’s difficult for her to break the spell that Facebook has over her.  But I’ve told her again and again that if she would just not sit down at the computer, then she probably wouldn’t have a problem.  But she does. She starts some water for dishes, and while the sink is filling, she sits down and opens Facebook, and that’s it.

I get to the point where my mind becomes irrational, to the point where I was crying the other night that I didn’t think that I could do this anymore.  And she’s always able to talk me down.  Yesterday, I went home to mow a field for my parents.  It was several hours in the sun on an old tractor with an unbalanced blade on bumpy terrain. Needless to say, I was exhausted when I got done, but I had to work my other job last night until midnight.  The other job is supervising this church/coffee house/nightclub that I’ve been a part of for years. And as far as I knew, we didn’t have any volunteers coming in until later, so I was going to have to do setup all by myself.  Tina came with me and helped out so I could take care of a lot of things there.  And I was so grateful for her being there, and made sure to tell her several times how much I appreciated it.  I hate how my mind just ruminates on things and overplays them to the point where I just can’t get past it. I get stuck in a loop and get overwhelmed by emotion.  That’s one place, if not the one place, where she’s really good for me, where she fills in the gap.

So, it’s not good, not bad, just going for now.  I think I probably need to sit down a little more often and look at my blessings and to realize that I actually do have it pretty good.

That’s all for now. I hope that wasn’t too confusing.