And Time Marches On

Time for an update.  A real update, and not me throwing up a bunch of pictures and pretending it’s an update.  This update will probably be as incoherent as my last ones, but away we go.

And yeah, for some reason, I feel like throwing a playlist of what I listened to while writing down below if anyone cares to know what I’m listening to. 

Tina moved back in in November.  It’s taken some getting used to having her here all the time again.  She was gone for a year, and I had gotten used to quite a few things.  Watching whatever I wanted, sleeping alone, being responsible for myself and being down on myself when I wasn’t so responsible.  Either way, I’m still adjusting, but it’s getting easier.

For the most part, I guess, it was more of a financial thing.  She sucks with money, gets in over her head easily.  And since I care enough about her, I was starting to hemmorage cash and it was really stressing me out.  Another reason is that I feel like it’s that "shit or get off the pot" time.  You see, I’m in that funky place where I love her and care for her, but I’m not "in love" with her.  That’s a very hard place for me to be because of the fact that she kept me in that place for quite a while.  I know how much it hurts to know that the person you love so much doesn’t love you back as a husband loves a wife or vice versa.  But I’m just not there yet.  I don’t even know what it would take for me to get there. 

For the most part, things are a lot better than they were before we separated.  We’re communicating a lot better than we did before.  We’re not holding crap in until we hit the boiling point like we once did, which is a major step forward.  I can ask her to help me with something, and she comes to help, as opposed to me begging her constantly to give me a hand.  We’re working toward that spirit of unity that I desired so much, where we each are carrying an equal burden of taking care of the household.  It’s a struggle, though.  I don’t know if I mentioned it, but on top of the depression, she’s been diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder.  It’s hard to find a job that holds her attention, and her rapid mood swings can be very trying.  Currently, she’s been watching a two-year-old and a seven-year-old (I think) to make some money, but it’s not very much.  She is also going back to school to try and get an early childhood education degree so she can try to start a daycare.  I think it’s great that she finally found something to be passionate about, but I really pray that she stays with it rather than get bored and move on to something else.  That’s the biggest thing I struggle with.  I hate not knowing what to expect from her from one minute to the next. 

As we are working to heal our relationship, I’m watching the marriages of some of my friends crumble.   It’s very hard for me to witness because I’ve been seeing these friends that held me up wearing the same expression that I imagine I wore when I was going through all of that stuff.  My best friend is going through a spot that reminds me so much of what I went through with Tina.  The distance that his wife puts between them, the appearance of an ex that she’s suddenly spending time with.  It hurts to see it.  Another marriage sees a wife who may not have even really loved her husband wanting out.  At the moment, mind you, I’m only getting one side of the story, but it sucks because I’m good friends with both couples.  I’ve kind of take the position that since I don’t hear both sides, I’m not taking sides.  Sure, I get frustrated and angry, but deep down, I still love these friends of mine, and I’ve been letting that love shine through to them as much as I can.  Because I’m sure that they know I know a few things, and it’s really going to be a benefit to anyone involved to be an asshole to either of them.  Anyways, enough of that.

Work has been going well.  It seems as though I’m good to go for another year.  Corporate hasn’t been talking layoffs or anything, which is good.  They also just invested a bunch of capital in production gear, which is awesome.  New light kits, new HD camera, storage, etc.  We just got a lot of cool stuff, and I’m super excited about it.

As far as my emotional state goes, I’m doing alright.  I feel stuck in neutral, which is where I’ve been for quite a while.  The week flies by, and I’m never sure where the time went.  I’m wanting to get up the cash to get some decent running shoes so I can start getting out and exercising.  I need to do something, seriously.  I also need to reconnect with God.  I don’t work as hard at that as I want to.  I’ve been reading at least a chapter of the Bible in the mornings, but I don’t feel like I absorb it.  Prayer is inconsistent at best, and could be better.  I don’t get that feeling that I got several years ago, even when Tina and I were going through the trenches.  By the way, for any new readers, I am a Christian, though probably not a very good one.  If I didn’t have my faith, or the body of my home church, the events I experience the last few years with Tina would have torn me apart.  I realize that not everyone out there believes as I do, and I don’t push my faith off onto others.  If you ever want to talk about it openly and feel in the mood to hear what will most likely be stupid and ill-informed replies on my part, then the door is always open. 🙂

Anyways, enough of that.  I’m going to get some dinner and I think I’m detecting the faint odor of karaoke wafting up from the south.  I might follow my nose to some beer and making an ass of myself on a stage.

Thanks for listening, and I hope you all are staying warm. 

Brian

Semisonic – "California"
Tom Petty – "Refugee"
Beatles – "Day Tripper"
East West – "Wake"
Project 86 – "Evil (A Chorus of Resistance)
Better Than Ezra – "Summerhouse"
Casting Crowns – "Here I Go Again"
Eric Clapton – "Before You Accuse Me (Take A Look At Yourself)
Thrice – "A Song For Milly Michaelson"
Led Zeppelin – "Black Dog"
Black Crowes – "Sting Me"
Killswitch Engage – "The Arms Of Sorrow"
Jimmy Page & The Black Crowes – "Lemon Song"