Intimacy and Pain

 intimacy n.

The state of being intimate; close familiarity or association

1: close or warm friendship; 2: a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship; 3: a feeling of being intimate and belonging together;

pain n.

An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.

Suffering or distress

An illusion at times, where the mind wafts likes a subtle breeze. Pain in so many different forms that it can only be recognized by a throbbing, or ache. The heart aches involved when the mind takes a different path from an objective and we become consumed, near obsessed, and with that intimate perusal of secrets kept locked and hidden away.

Do we dare unlock the forgotten and hope they just go away, when we know that they won’t until dealt with? Or sweep them under the rug so to speak to deal with them at another time, when we’re ready, and pray that time never arrives?

Those intricate threads that weave in and out, the frayed end of the countless times the search has begun toward the center core in a discovery that will never stop. Learning more about the individuality that makes us who and what we are.

Are you scared, yet?

Did you blink at that question? Or perhaps sit back in your chair and mutter, "Well I’ll be darned…" or something like that?

This is where the heart dances on the tongue in an effort to form the words that so desperately need to be let out. But when we’re afraid of the pain that we know will follow, we find ourselves making excuses for another time, just not right now. The overwhelming impact of dealing with it is too much.

Or is it?

I am not one who likes confrontations. That statement is better clarified in its definition of confrontations with others. By taking that first step, I confront myself. Argue with myself. Disagree with myself. Try to be the objective "outsider" looking in and seeing things differently. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. More often than not, I find myself coming here to express and then peek back to see what I have done.

In learning more about who and what I am, I’ve learned that this experience is both a re-birth and a discovery that I never thought existed. How many times do we question ourselves at any and in any given situation? How do we know if what we chose and decided was right until after it’s all said and done?

We don’t. And that’s how we learn. By making mistakes, either small or on a grand scale, we are able to inform our inner core, our conscience that we did our best with the information we had. Didn’t we?

The nagging questions that attack us afterward can hinder our lives in ways we never thought possible, or don’t you agree? I’m not an expert on the mind, nor am I a licensed psychologist or other "head" doctor. I am, however, an expert on me. Rather, I’m becoming more adept at learning this expertise in who and what I am.

Funny how in younger years we were one way, but as we get older we’re not that same person anymore. It’s all for the good. I hope. I pray that it is all for the good. I am still indecisive and feel myself teetering on an edge that is somewhat welcoming. But peeking around doors and corners won’t me through it.

Walking around the corners and through the doors give us the power to see things a bit more clearly in its perspective. At least it does for me, and that’s the type of confrontation I’m referring to, not pushing it under the rug, or putting it on a high shelf out of reach. For even in doing that it’s always there, reminding me in its subtle persuasion that there’s no time like the present in dealing, handling and moving forward.

Behavio

rs change as do behavior patterns. What we once weren’t afraid of suddenly embrace us and scare us more than most care to admit. What we once didn’t like we like and vice versa.

With sweet sorrow yet at the same time a joy in finally becoming unencumbered, I set myself free,

I feel the wind upon my face and embrace the dawning of the new day and as evening approaches I gaze out the window and listen to the lilting sounds of day’s glory putting itself to rest,

Emotionally spent the smile that tugs while the eyes close gently, the peacefulness that settles within that center core warms me in ways I never thought possible…

Sweet life in seeing the joys of this re-birth — re-discovery of the self. And yet, there is more. For the moment however, it is too painful to contemplate. Another emotional upheaval and all the turmoil that comes with it; not excess baggage as I would have thought, but tangible.