Whisper – “Hello, I Miss You Quite Terribly”

I just spent a few minutes dancing around Erik’s family’s kitchen to "Here (In Your Arms)" by Hellogoodbye. Hair-flinging, arms-flailing, joy-in-my-heart DANCING.

 

I might not bet 100% happy with my life (I still live at home, I still am in a job I don’t love crazily, etc.), but I have joy in my heart.

I start a good number of my mornings listening to "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas and follow it with some Taylor Swift (don’t judge me, I don’t judge your weird musical tastes) and some Lady Gaga and Meatloaf and head to work with a Starbucks Grande Hot Chocolate in my hand, singing along. I’m the girl on the bus who’s mouthing the words to the song she’s blaring in her iPod, playing Bejeweled next to some middle-aged, grouchy looking woman in sensible shoes and a navy blue skirt.

Erik and I are talking about moving out, which feels great too. We’re not-to-intensely looking at apartments in the area of town we both agree we could live in, talking about what we need to beg borrow or steal to have for when we move out, looking (mostly me) at what kind of furniture we (read: I) want, and so on. We’ve yet to go see any places together (a bit of an issue for me, because I’m so anxious to move out of my aunt’s house and to get to FINALLY live with someone I want to spend my days with) or anything like that, but oh well.

In other news, it’s been a very long time since I’ve been able to write in here, as I’m sure you can tell. I’m not sure why – after the cat died, I felt hopeless. After my grandmother died the spring before, I felt worse.

Either way, the important thing is, despite all of that – all of the tears and hardships and fights and fear – I have joy in my heart. It’s something I don’t think I’ve felt ever before in my life.

The truth is, I’m happy with Erik. He makes me smile and he makes me laugh and even when he makes me angry, I still love him. Even when we have a bad day, I love him, and I’m pretty sure he loves me too. And I may not be stunningly happy at work, but I enjoy my job. I’ve found myself in my work, somehow, even though my work involves needles and blood and bandaids; it involves scratch’n’sniff stickers (they smell like bananas and have Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat on them), patients who leave after an hour’s wait with a bit of a smile on their face (I put it there), and a bandaid on their arm where I gave them one of the best needles they’ve ever had (not egotism, honesty – this is something many people tell me, and something I’ve become quite proud of).

People don’t like what I do, but they like me, and I’m glad. The people who see me smile back at me. Joy is contagious. I might only get to see people for 5 – 15 minutes, once in their lifetimes, but I still put a smile on their faces, and some of them even tell me my smile is beautiful, that they love to see someone doing a job they enjoy as much as I seem to. This is a point of pride for me, honestly. I’ve never been the person people called pretty, but I am now – my smile makes me pretty and it brings other people a brief time of joy in their day. Even when I’m having a bad day at work, I still find something to smile about.

There is JOY in my heart. And I’m so incredibly lucky.

– here (in your arms) – hellogoodbye –