Struggling

 I wish money grew on trees, energy came in unlimited amounts, houses cleaned themselves and laundry washed and folded itself. I am overwhelmed with every day life. It’s getting out of control. It is out of control. Rob and I had a HUGE fight about a month ago and he got really nasty with me. He said things to me that cut me to the bone. He called me lazy and unmotivated. Truth is I’m tired and overwhelmed. I don’t even know where to start. I beat myself up mentally all the time because the house isn’t clean and the laundry is piled high. I berate myself for not being a good housekeeper. I didn’t need him to point it out. I am well aware. The longer it sits undone the more stress it puts on me and the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the more I worry. The more I worry the more energy I waste. I’m stuck in a nasty circle. The few people I have talked about this with all say the same thing…start small, 1 room at a time/day. I can’t even do that. I don’t know why I am so chained down over this. I’m tied up in my own head and I am the only one who can do anything about it. I thought writing would help, but its not. I’m not getting out what I wanted to. I’m not getting out what I need to. I’ve thought many times, countless times, about coming back here to write and reconnect with myself. I’ve wanted to get out the thoughts that cloud my head, but I lose my words when I log in and load up the page to write. I’m struggling. I yelled at the sky yesterday that I wanted to die. I wanted to be taken away from all this weight that holds me down. I can’t live in this mind state any longer. My worry/anxiety is out of control on a regular basis. When it strikes, it takes everything out of me. I worry about the stupidest shit. Things I can’t control. Things I can too, but do nothing about. I’m sick of asking why me? I’m sick of hitting a wall each time I try to talk it out. "You should consider yourself lucky" people tell me. "It could be a lot worse" they say. I get it. I know it. I don’t care. Because my reality and the way I process and cope is just as painful and exhausting as it is for those who are truly at rock bottom. I do take an inventory every so often about what is right in my life. I’m not that clueless. I don’t do it often enough. I spend far more time wishing for what is not and comparing myself to those around me that have what I want. It’s not material things I covet. The energy to run around with my child is what I wish for. The skill and organization to keep a clean, tidy home is what I long for. I want to pay a bill and not be Paralized in fear that the money left over won’t be enough to buy food with. Perhaps what I see from the outside isn’t as good as it seems. But damn! It looks good from where I sit. Perhaps it is time to move seats. Each day that passes strikes me with the reality that it will never come back. All the opportunity of yesterday is gone and wasted. I feel like I am wasting my life – it is passing me by while I sit and watch. I need to find my way before its too late. I can’t continue to feel that the world, my home, my family, would be a better place without me.I want to scream. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to peel it off and find someone new, a better version of myself underneath. Where is she hiding?