Today…

 Has been somewhat shitty and I still have 4 and a half hours of work left, so I don’t anticipate it’s going to improve much between now and then. I fucking cried at work today. My emotions make me so angry sometimes. The situation was totally not worth crying over (they mostly never are with me) but I was frustrated, I felt stupid and my eye welled up and spilled over before I even knew what was happening. Ugh. I’ve had a number of conversations with my doctor about my emotional reaction to certain things, and he has explained that this relates directly to having depression. I process thoughts differently than a mentally healthy person. My body reacts to stress in a very external and visible way, and as much as I want to control it, it’s not always possible. There are so many factors that play in to my mind state on a day to day basis and I have a few strikes against me today. I’m tired to start with. My body is exhausted, sore and screaming for a break. I’m PMSing I think. I’ve been eating shitty food for weeks now and it’s showing in my mood. Last night when I got home from work p informed me that he had invited our friends over for drinks. I’m not overly spontaneous, so for this reason alone, I was thrown off my emotional kilter. To add to the situation I was fucking exhausted when I finished work. My feet , my hips and my back were sore to the point of making me nauseous. And, I had been to wal mart to pick up one things after work and their tils were lined up through the clothing section. That pissed me off, so I went to Safeway, where the product I wanted was $2.50 more per box than it was at wal mart. Anyway, the moral of this story is, when i got home, and Rob sprung this on me, I cried. Like really? Crying is exhausting in itself. Add that to the body tiredness, and being mentally tired from being fake cheerful at work all day, it made me really angry. I was in a shitty mood until I had a smoke and a glass of wine. Too. Bad I can’t do that now at work. Maybe that would improve things?

I’m trying so hard to be positive…to think positive thoughts, to speak positively, even to carry myself in a way that doesn’t show sadness or anxiety from the outside. Days like these and emotional reactions like these really throw me for a loop.