Unsure

My mom called yesterday at 10:45am. I didn’t recognize the number and the night before I swore I wasn’t going to pick up the phone if she called, but I did and it was her. A very cold start to the conversation with "I’m just calling to say good-bye". I was speechless and then the tears came – through them I asked "where are you?" "At a hotel." She proceeded, with a big breath, to apologize. She doesn’t remember what happened. She drank too much she said. To her credit, she didn’t blame it on the drinking, but did say that’s what contributed to the night taking a totally unexpected direction. She seemed to think that it was all over me not wanting to BBQ dinner. I didn’t bother correcting her that no, in fact it all started with her snapping that it was too late to BBQ. I didn’t tell her that it progressed from there to her calling me and ungreatful bitch and informing me that she hates my husband. I didn’t tell her that she screamed at me to fuck off and raised her hand to hit me. I didn’t say too much of anything…I just cried and cried and cried. Part of the crying was relief that she didn’t kill herself like she told me she was going to. Relief that she had called after telling me she never wanted to talk to me again. Relief that she apologized. Relief that she didn’t remeber all the terrible things I screamed at her. But still, crying because I’m so hurt and horrified at the things she said. Drunk or not – these words, horrible, terrible, words were exchanged. She asked me to stop crying. I told her I couldn’t. She told me I was breaking her heart. I told her she broke mine. She said she just wanted to be part of Parkers first Christmas and maybe she just should have stayed home. I explained that I never would have invited her if we didn’t want her and we’re so thankful for all that she has done for us. She said she knows that. She asked if she could come over. I asked her if she was going to take the presents we bought her, since she left them behind…including framed prints of parker. She didn’t remember leaving them behind. I told her she was welcome to come over. She told me I couldn’t cry if she came over. I told her no promises. She asked if Rob was coming home for lunch. I told her I could call and ask him not to if she didn’t want to see him. She thought he wouldn’t want to see her. I said that’s not the case – he’s just as confused about what happend as we both are. But, knowing it would be even more uncomfortable, I called him and asked him to stay at work. He wasn’t impressed that I was allowing her to come back so quickly after how hurt and upset I was. I told him I wanted her to see Parker before she went home – that was, afterall, the whole point of her trip, to spend time with PJ. I was scared he would be mad at me. He sounded mad at me. He said he wasn`t. He was just so puzzled about this whole thing.

She got to the house about a half an hour after we talked. It was weird. There was an elephant in the room. I was happy to see that her face lit up when she saw Parker – the night before I was sad that they would never see each other again. We kind of tiptoed around each other. Talked a little bit about what happened. I told her that had she not called, I had no plans to contact her again. She said that she had planned not to call me, but it must have been Divine Intervention because she picked up the phone without thinking it through and dialed my number (which she typically doesn`t know off hand). She had a coffee and played with Parker a bit. She got up and emptied our dishwasher. I asked her not to – she`s already done enough for us. She said nonsence – that`s what she`s here for.

All of this help, all of the gifts and groceries…I`m so uncomfortable with it now after being called ungreatful. i don`t know if I`ll ever be able to acceot these things from her again. I`ve lived in fear for 6 years that somehow, sometime all that she has done for us would be held over my head, and it was on Tuesday night. In a big way.

She put Parker down for a nap. She told me to go lay down…apparently I looked like hell. I wasn`t sure I should go – she still had over an hour until the cab was going to pick her up and take her to the airport. I needed sleep. bad. So I took her up on her offer. Before I went upstairs we hugged. She told me how sorry she was. I said the same. I let her know just how greatful we are for everything she has done for us. Without her, we`d be nowhere close to where we are in life right now.

I`ve forgiven her. I have to. I preach forgiveness to her all the time. I had to walk the walk. Many wouldn`t have let this woman step foot in thier house again after what happened. I couldn`t do that. She`s my mom… like it or not. I haven`t forgotten though, and I never will, but I have to move on and not let this eat me alive. Had she not called I think this really could have spiralled my life out of control. But I have a handle on it now.

I`m feeling a little like the boy who cried wolf. I called my brother in the middle of what was happening and after she left Tuesday night. I needed to talk to someone. Someone who`s been there. Someone who knows how crazy she can be. I told him I`d never let her back into my life. And now I have. It seems a little fucked up to be worried about what my brother will think when he finds out she apologized. It`s been 3 years since they had thier blow up and they haven`t spoken let alone anyone apologize.  I think he`s going to be angry that she would apologize to me and not to him. Ick…just thinking about it makes me ill. I don`t know how our family got so fucked up after my dad died. but I do know he`s be so disgusted with all of us.