Trying

I’ve been trying to get here to write for days now and it just hasn’t worked out. I have so much running through my head these days…I need to get it out so I can rest. Parker is napping right now, and has been for almost an hour now, so I’m not too sure how much time I have here. Perhaps I’ll try bullets….

• I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately. It’s that time of year I suppose. His 68th birthday would have been next Thursday and in October it will be 5 years since he died. FIVE YEARS! Some times it feels like I just talked to him yesterday and some days it feels like it’s been 50 years. I miss him. Badly. I wish he was still here to see Parker…I know he would be in love with him. Parker looks so much like him. I’ve had a few crying fits in the past few weeks about my dad…I realized that I never really cried that much when he died. Watching the death of Captain Phil on Deadliest Catch brought back a lot of memeores about being in the room when my dad died. I kind of wish I could erase those from my memory. I love you daddy. I miss you terribly.
• Money continues to be a source of stress in my life. It is affecting (effecting???) every aspect of my time right now….we’re behind in bills again, and it feels like Christmas is just around the corner and we HAVE to do some presents this year for the little man. I hope we can figure it out. It’s really hard on our marriage right now. I just keep telling myself, as long as we have a roof over our heads, the electricity, gas and water are on and there is some kind of food in the cupboards we’ll be okay. In reality, I KNOW that we are far better off than a lot of people, and for that I often feel guilty for wanting more and more and more. Something I need to work on still.
• I have a million and one "to-do’s" on my mind with regards to the house and the yard. We have a whole summer’s worth of weeds to pull this weekend since we did jack shit this summer. My mother in law mentioned the looks of the front yard when she was here for coffee the other morning – I guess since she OWNS the house, we’d better get on it. We look like trash compared to the rest of the neighborhood because they all have finely cared for yards, flowers, shrubs…beauty…we just have weeds and ugliness right now. This sort of stems back to the money problems….I feel like there is no point in cleaning up the front if we can’t add some fall flowers and a new shrub by the driveway, but all in time I guess. For now we just need to clean it up and make it look like this isn’t a drug house from the front. Cuz…you know…it’s not lol! We also have a few things left in Parker’s room to get done, some painting, organizing…I knew it would be hard moving right after having a baby…we never did get fully settled. Now that Rob is mobile and on his ankle again, we need to fill our weekends working around the house, not spending money needlessly for entertainment purposes.
• Weight Watchers has come to a stand still again. I can’t afford the fee every week, but that shouldn’t mean that I stop working ont he plan, but I have. However, we have a promise to keep with my in-laws that we will get healthier, so Rob & I really need to get our shit figured out in this department and get on it. I’m sick of this cloud following me around wherever I go. I know it’s time to do something…it just feels so overwhelming and un-imagineable. I need to break it down into smaller pieces and work on the pieces until the whole puzzle is solved.
• Facebook continues to be a source of happiness for me and a source of some kind of low grade sorrow. My best friend from birth until she moved away in grade 1 finally appeared on FB – I was so happy to see her I cried! It’s an amazing thing to be able to connect with people from my past, but at the same time, it reminds me of how much I have missed and am missing from friends lives being so far away from them. FB also sucks valuable time from my day because I can’t.stop.looking. at it! I’m thinking we should move the computer out of the living room to help curb the amount of time I spend on it daily. I don’t even know if it will help. I contemplate leaving FB all together, but after just finding my BFF I’m hesitant to do that…how else would we keep updated on each other’s lives?

Well my little baby is talking up a storm…nap time is over and lunch time is upon us. I hope to get back here soon. Perhaps if I spent less time surfing FB, I’d have more time to write! Isn’t that a thought?! lol