Sippin on Gin & Juice

Well not so much…it’s Crystal Lite. Which is what I’m going to stick to from now on. It will be a few weeks anyway before I have any more booze. While Saturday’s festivities, with the margaritas and nachos, should have shown up on the scale…it REALLY should have, I actually lost 2.4 lbs. A total loss at the end of six weeks of 16.2. Woot! Woot! The Weight Watchers angels were flying with me today. I actually feel lucky this week which is kind of a weird feeling when loosing weight. There you have it.

In other "luck"news…the Visa is paid off!!! All $10,563.16. I called my mom to tell her. I thought she would be really happy. She didn’t seem overly impressed at all. Whatever. She’s just miserable all the time now and there is nothing I can do to change it. I just need to remember that AND it has nothing to do with me.

You know, thinking about my mom, I have notice some of my behavious lately that I’ve questioned. They’re not healthy and I’ve been wondering a lot about why I would act in such a way that I know can be hurtful to someone else. It hit me today while I was talking to my mom….I learned the behaviour from her. Sometimes when I’m mad or upset at something (and literally, I mean something/anything) I find myself with-holding the words "I love you" when I"m talking to my husband. I’ve caught myself doing this when I’m mad at him, when I’m frustrated with Parker, when the cat looks at me wrong, and after much thought I think it means…"I’m hurting (or frustrated, or angry…any painful emotion can fit here) and I want you to help me". But instead of asking for help, I with-hold the most important words in our relationship which doesn’t communicate anything other than I’m being a bitch. So, back to my mom – when I was talking to her today, I mentioned my brother to her…they haven’t spoken one word to each other in 10 months…and our conversation went from light and friendly to "hello dark cloud, welcome back". I know she’s devastated over this breakdown with her son, but ending the convrsation with "yup" when I tell her I love her isn’t going to help. In fact…it makes her look like a bitch. BUT…perhaps that is her saying…"I’m hurting, please help me". The shitty thing is though, if that is what she really means…I can’t help her. It’s not my battle to solve or fight. It’s really interesting for me to recognize this in myself, and realize that I need to change it. I always said I didn’t want to be like my mother and I can see more and more why that is and how hard I will have to work at it to break these patterns. From what I understand about the way that she grew up all we are doing now is carrying on a legacy of pain hurtful behaviour in our family. I don’t want Parker to dread talking to me when he’s older as much as I dread talking to my mom now. Yup….there’s the therapy dollars at work, right there!

I’m really hoping to get to the farmer’s Market today. It’s super close to our house, so if the storm clouds hold off, Rob & I will stroll over there when he gets home from work. I was going to meet the mommies there, but Parker is having a nap. It’s his first afternoon nap in a looong time and we’re trying to get his sleep patterns to be a little more regular, so I let him sleep (and I caught a little nap myself which was delicious!). Lately Parker has been falling asleep at 5pm and sleeping until 9 or so then it’s a challenge getting him into his crib when we go to bed at 11. I’m not working on a schedule by any means…just trying to move that 5pm nap to a little earlier in the day. Today, it’s working. Tomorrow will be a different story I’m sure.

Crystal Lite is empty…time for a refill.