Sunshine is a wonderful thing!

Day 4 of sunshine and warm temps after, what feels like, WEEKS of rain.

I woke up on Friday morning for Parker’s feed at 7am and decided to stay up rather than hop back into bed for what would have been a crappy hour more of sleep. Rob didn’t know what the hell was going on as I brushed my teeth, washed my face, got dressed, fed cats made coffee all before he got up to get ready for work. There’s just something energizing about a sunny & dry morning that gives you a little get-up-and-go. After 2 cups of coffee and another bottle for the babe, Parker and I headed out on an hour long walk. It was FANTASTIC!! It felt so good to be outside, getting fresh air and exersize all before 10am! It has put a little pep in my step and has spurred a walk on Saturday morning that Rob joined us on and another hour long walk this morning. YAHOO! Finally getting down with this moving more, eating less mentality. It’s only taken 33 years to catch on. Here’s hoping the weather stays nice, so we can get more walks in this week. It will really help on the scale at WW Wednesday.

I meant to get back here and write after my last weigh in, but time has been escaping me before I even realize it! I was quite worried about the weigh in last week, but I ended up being down 1.2lbs. So, at the end of week 5, I’m down a total of 13.8 lbs. I’m really proud of myself for doing so well. 5 weeks is a looong time to be watching my intake and making healthy choices for this kid. And even after the chinese food! Weekends are still a challenge though. We started out on the right foot Saturday with our long walk, but it was so nice and we were hot, so what’s the best compliment to that situation?….BEER of course! Unfortunately it didn’t start and end with just a couple of beer. A friend came to visit later that afternoon and brought us a housewarming gift – the magic bullet!!! AND…fixings for Margaritas and Nachos. Damn! Margarita’s would have been ok on thier own, but Nachos?! I’m not known for making the best descisions when I’ve had a few beverages and this was no exception. I paid for it Sunday morning though…I’m not sure which hangover was worse – the one from the tequila or the one from the nachos?! I felt like SHIT…and we had to go to Rob’s parents for dinner. It was a long day. Eating was back on plan yesterday and there was lots of water being drunk, so hopefully that will help cancel out the damage from Saturday. I have got to get these weekends under control!!

Things around here were a little rough last week. I have always known that the weather affected my mood, but it has been so long since I have been honestly happy that the tank I took after all the gloomy weather last week was almost devastating. I’ve been really worried about money lately. It’s the one thing that seems to be standing in my way of total happiness, and being on Mat leave and having diapers and formula added to the expenses has made things really tight. It will get better once we are caught up, but for the past 3 months I’ve been juggling our budget like a circus act. Rob doesn’t want anything to do with managing the finances, so when we run out of money, I feel like it’s all my fault. And that, my friends, is a huge weight to shoulder. I think that if my mood hadn’t been depressed by the weather I may have reacted a little more rationally when I figured out we only had $40 as of last Thursday to get us through to tomorrow (because I totally forgot about some payments that were coming out of our bank account). We had and empty fridge and pantry and most importantly we needed baby formula. I.came.un-glued. Totally lost my mind. Fell apart. My reaction brought me back to the darkest of places that I have been during my 10 year depression and it just felt like too much to fight. Like I had been beat. And, my reaction sent Rob into a rage like I have never seen before. I still don’t understand why my getting upset made him mad, but basically our marriage was sitting on a fence (in my mind anyway – he won’t admit he had the same thoughts, but some of his comments said differently). For the first time ever, I actually could see us not making it. Of course, this thought only made things worse in my mind. I found myself picking up old habits to deal with my misery…locking myself in the bathroom, slamming things around, yelling, screaming, crying….it was horrible and I was so scared. I’ve come from such a dark place and I was so scared that I was heading right back in that direction. I know it’s not a really healthy way to communicate, but Rob & I worked everything out chatting over MSN while he was at work. I’ve promised to really try and change the way I react to money issues and he has promised to have more patience with me when/if I do melt down again. And TOGETHER we came up with a fix to the immediate problem…we spent Friday night rolling change! haha. It’s really crazy how much money you can have laying around the house when you round up all your change. We rolled almost $100 – it was enough for gas, groceries for 5 days, baby formula, diapers and of course the previously mentioned beer. I hate worrying about money, but it seems like something that won’t be going away any time soon. But after talking with Rob I know that I need to ask for help when I need it and he knows the signs to look for and actions to take when my worry is too much to bare.

Still on the subject of money, Rob’s parents are getting an $11,000 bank draft for us tomorrow so we can pay off our Visa. We’ll be paying them back at 6% over 4 years which works out to $250 a month. Totally do-able (considering minimum Visa payments are over $400 and only a FRACTION of that was hitting the balance – mostly it was covering interest). I’m so greatful for this help and it will really help me in the worry department. As much as I don’t want to goof this up, it is comforting to know that we will owe this money to family rather than to a bank incase an emergency comes up and we have to miss a payment. So, after falling down a dark hole, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

I was just about to sign off and do some "Nakkie Wiggle Time" with Parker, but I looked over at his swing and see he is fast asleep. I think I’ll take advantage of that and have a shower!

I hope to be back here sooner than later – we’ll see how time treats me this week.