9 weeks

I haven’t written lately for so many reasons – work is busy (though I have some down time right at this moment), I’ve been feeling so shitty from this pregnancy that writing about it was making me want to barf, and just about 24 hours after the last entry I ended up in emergency for 15 hours with a possible miscarriage. I was right in the middle of an entry, writing all of the wonderful daydreams that a first time mom-to-be has, and I started spotting. Thank God, everything is fine – baby is still baking away – but it brought out all those horrible thoughts that chase me every so often. It has left me scared to be excited and scared to write about how I’ve been feeling physically in this pregnancy in case those words just ended up being a painful reminder of what was instead of what is. We’re not “out of the woods” yet – still 3 weeks to go until this trimester is done, and even then I know that things can happen, but since the scare, and some research and reassurance about what’s considered normal I’m feeling a lot more positive and gradually gaining more excitement, albeit cautious excitement.

Speaking of “research” though…I’m feeling a little bit like a failure as a mom already. I know lots of women who find out they are pregnant and run out and buy every book under the sun about pregnancy, they look up what their “bean” looks like from day to day, fill in pregnancy journals…and I’m just not into that. I don’t know if it’s because I’m scared or I just really don’t care. Sadly…I think it’s the latter. I mean, I have common sense – I know not to drink, limit caffeine, stay away from drugs except regular strength Tylenol….all that stuff, but I just can’t be bothered with the rest. It’s all static. We’re an over informed society anyway. Millions of women before me had kids and that’s when smoking and drinking weren’t frowned upon. When newborns slept on their tummies and cribs were painted with lead based paint. Thos babies (okay for the most part) turned out okay. I just can’t be bothered. I have faith in my doctor that she will keep me informed. I work for the healthcare system here and our unit includes prenatal health and healthy babies, so I’ve learned things from osmosis and have medically sound resources at my finger tips is I want them. In fact, my doctor explicitly asked me not to go out and buy a bunch of books (especially “what to expect…”). So, I’ve decided to use common sense to guide me and that’s that. (Although I know I’m not supposed to eat lunch meat, I’d kill for a Subway Sub).

My doctor gave me a script for Diclectin at my appointment Friday. Thank God because the nausea has been horrendeous… no barfing, but constantly feeling like I was on the verge of. The drugs have made a world of difference, but I’m still dealing with food aversion of the day. It’s getting hard to find things to eat and that will satisfy Rob too. Lastnight we had chicken fingers…that’s it – nothing else. Oh plum sauce, but I had a hard time choking that down. The thought of vegetables makes me green. Fruit…meh…I’m okay with peaches right now, but I’m sure that will change. I had grapes and cherries last week, but I can’t even think of them this week. Beef is out of the question. Fish would be ok as long as it isn’t cooked at home. Actually anything that comes from a restaurant seems ok – maybe it’s more I have an aversion to cooking. I don’t know – just writing about this is flipping my stomach.

I’m kind of sad I can’t take cute belly pictures and post them – reality is, I already look 9 months pregnant because of the weight that I carry, so taking pictures of my belly is not a good idea….at this size, I don’t really want a record of how big I’m getting. I’m kind of worried about what I will do for clothes when I start showing…I can’t find such a thing as plus sized maternity wear. I asked at Addition Elle and they said a lot of bigger woment who are pregnant buy clothes there just bigger sizes…2 problems with that…their prices are stupid – especially for something I will only wear for a few months and they’re not cut for pregnancy, so yah, they’re bigger, but I imagine just having bigger clothes over a pregnant belly is not flattering. There are sites in the states I could order stuff from, but that seems like a pain too – what if they don’t fit or get held up at customs…blah, blah, blah. Anyone out there in Canada with an eye for plus sized fashion  start a maternity line – you’ll make millions! There’s a place in Airdrie that rents maternity clothes (regular sizes only) – you pay $30 per outfit and keep them for 4 weeks at a time then go back and rent some new things – what a great idea! If only there was somewhere to buy plus sized stuff – I’d totally open up that as a business (because I’m 99% sure I don’t want to come back to this job after).

Anyway – this is where things are at right now. I’m always reading, noting when I can, and hope to get more entries in over the next while. We’ll see….until then…..