A lot of rambling with an Ah!Ha! Moment

My eyeballs are dry and I need a good stretch. Still waiting for the coffee to kick in too, but thinking it might be a coffee and a diet Pepsi kind of morning. I’ll move on to the Wu Yi tea after that…

So last night went fairly well other than my extreme crankiness and resistance to this change we are making. It hit me last night, after treadmilling, in between laundry and loading the dishwasher…though I think I already knew this about myself but I was able to put it into context…I am an all or nothing thinker and doer. It stresses me out to start something small…if I can’t do it all at once then why bother?! This thinking, I now see, has failed me over & over & over again. If I don’t, stop all junk food, drink 8 glasses of water a day, stock the cupboards and fridge of healthy options, walk EVERY day, behave EVERY weekend, and on & on & one…why bother? But that’s exactly the problem…it’s too much all at once. From 0 to 60 with no slow climbing acceleration. So if I can’t do it all at once and do it perfectly…why bother? Up until this point in my life I’ve never been able to break this down into small pieces…manageable pieces; pieces that allow for small success to work up the momentum to add more and slowly master each step. This is really weird for me to realize since I do this every single day at work. I’ll be given a project to work on with very limited information and I break it up into small pieces, take it one step at a time, and complete the project after diligent work on each step. I wonder where the disconnect is at home, and why is it so difficult for me to take it step by step? What complicates this situation even more at home is that I get totally overwhelmed with the big stuff and just shut down. I’m really good at avoiding things when the job is too big or I don’t have enough time or resources to finish…I just don’t bother starting.

***I’ve got damn light bulbs going off all over the place as I write this!!!***

So, lastnight I was washing the sheets and duvet cover from our bed. Typically laundry is something I don’t mind doing. But, lasnight it almost brought me to tears to wash the sheets. WTF?! It gave me such rage…just blind rage, over washing sheets. (yah, who’s crazy?!) It occurred to me later on in the evening though…I was mad about washing the sheets because it didn’t feel like “enough” Why wash the sheets when the room needs to be dusted and vacuumed. Why bother changing the sheets when my suitcase is still unpacked from my trip to Kamloops in April. Why bother changing the sheets when there are baskets of clean clothes in each corner of the room that need to be put away? (and have been sitting there since…um December). It just rattled my little brain that I was washing sheets when there was so much else that needs to be done. Why bother with one when there are 6 other things that need to be done too? But here’s the thing…it doesn’t have to be done all at once. If we do one or 2 little things a night then it will all get done eventually. It won’t pile up to the point of totally overwhelming me and not knowing where to start. I will have already started and it’s just a continuation of that. This is the same with loosing weight… my way of tackling this in the past has not been successful for me…it gets too overwhelming when I think of ALL the changes that need to be made. So by breaking it down, mastering each step…I think I might just find some success. Here’s hoping! (now I just need to break it down – gah!)

Ok – that’s enough self discovery rambling for today.

So, Rob picked me up after work yesterday – we went to Wal Mart to pick up a few things – as a side note, I cannot wait until we get a Super Wal Mart in the city – damn! It’s so much cheaper there! – We stuck to our limited budget list fairly well – I picked up a couple of packs of frozen veggies which weren’t on the list, but apparently we forgot about “accompaniments”  when menu planning this week and some sugar free drink mix for me / pop for Rob. We had to go to Safeway after that to get some bananas and onions (again…can’t wait for the Super Wal Mart = one stop shopping!). When we got home I got on the treadmill right away. At first I felt guilty for leaving Rob to put away the groceries, but that’s kind of the deal we made – as soon as we’re home I get on the treadmill and Rob gets a few things done…so once I remembered that I was good. I did 25 mins on the weight loss program. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t go longer, but from couch to a mile overnight is not too shabby (after more than a year of couch surfing). Rob finished the groceries and cat boxes a little before I was done so he did some stretching on the fit ball (don’t sit on the couch until treadmillin’ and chores are done for the night!). When I was done, he hopped right on and I did a little work on the fit ball. I was a little pissed that I was left with rinsing and stacking the dishes from the night before, started dinner and some laundry, but then I remembered – could be worse, I could be doing this all alone…Rob has to be recognized for his small steps too. I’ll put up with a slightly un-even balance in workload to ensure that we both get treadmill time – first…me most importantly (cuz if I don’t look out for myself who else will?!) and second Rob…if the dishes have to wait in order for him to get on the treadmill that’s something I&

rsquo;m willing to suck up – he needs this just as bad as I do. Who knows?! Maybe he needs it more – we don’t have any health information for his father’s side of the family…so who knows what we’re working to prevent in his case.

We got dinner ready and by the time it was ready we were halfway into CSI Miami. A little House after that, a few loads of laundry at commercials and in bed by 10 pm (-ish).

So accomplishments for yesterday:

1 – Drinking 8 glasses of water

2 – Tracking all of my food and staying in the guidelines

3 – Walking on the treadmill for 25 mins

5 – Making dinner and cleaning up before smoking (and no eating after – YAY)

4 – Being in bed by 10pm

I feel like listing the things I didn’t do, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the above?!

My goals for today – the same as yesterday. And, if I’m able to get something else in there – great – if not…that’s ok too.