mile marker 203 gas gauge leaning on the edge of e

i’d sure hate to break down here, nothing up head or in the rear view mirror.

i passed my entrance exam for the CNA class 🙂 i have my interview to find out if i get into the classes themselves on friday. i’m kinda ‘cited.

i’m still lonely. that i don’t think is going to change anytime soon. i’ve actually thought about signing up for eharmony or something, just to find someone to hang out with. how pathetic is that? i mean i’ve been hanging out with family and stuff, but it’s not the same. i need a hug. i need human to human contact.

speaking of contact, Milton called me. it was so good to hear his voice, even if it wasn’t a long phone call. he’s called me twice now. gods i miss him more than i’ve ever missed someone. but i do think i’m over him. i don’t want him to say “O, i love you. i’ve always loved you, i was stupid for getting married.” i just want him to be happy. and he’s not really. he and his wife are having problems and so they’re going to counseling. i’m jealous. Rollie was never anything like Milton. and i’m sure that i’ve built Milton up more than he ever was in my head. i just miss him being able to hold me while i fell apart. and i miss doing the same for him. he called me today and we didn’t talk much because his wife came home. i don’t like being hid, but i mean no harm to their relationship. all i’ve ever wanted for him was to be happy. the strange thing is that when Rollie first asked me for a divorce, the first person i wanted to talk to was Milton. hands down, i wanted Milton. there’s a calm that he gives me. and nothing beats his singing. lol.

i’ve also reconnected with a few friends due to facebook. like Jackson, i’ve missed him so much. he’s always been my brotha from anotha motha. but secretly we’ve always had such a huge flirtation that years haven’t changed. i met him at college 8 years ago? hell, could be nine by now. it’s been so long. i mean yeah it started off as a crush on him, but i love him so much. he’s one of those really good guys. he ended up marrying a girl with my name and i always thought, that was stupid, you could’ve had me. lol. my name isn’t that common.

as for Rollie and i, with each passing day i feel more and more slip away. i feel like he doesn’t care and i tried to talk to him about it the other nite. it was just excuses. which annoys the shit out of me, it’s not fair to just keep me waiting. he still hasn’t called the counselor. i shouldn’t be shocked. he said he didn’t have her phone number. i know he’s lying somewhere in there. he said he called her the day i left, and now he doesn’t have the number? bullshit, so i called him on it and he said that it was in his other phone and that battery was dead. um, he’s got a fucking charger for it. so i know he’s lying to me. so i googled her and sent him the number. this was 3 days ago. he hasn’t said anything about it.

it makes me want to call him and say pack up the rest of my shit i’ll be there to get the next time the kids are gone. i mean jeezuz we’re talking about our life together, or at least what’s left of it. doesn’t seem to matter too much to him. i’m starting to hate him. it’s getting easier to hate him to be perfectly honest. tonite he’s talking to me on IM and this is what i get:

O (8/5/2009 11:50:46 PM): could you scan a copy of the insurance card and email it to me please?
Rollie (8/5/2009 11:51:32 PM): I can print u a copy ya
Rollie (8/5/2009 11:51:36 PM): Gna go to doc?
O (8/5/2009 11:51:49 PM): yep
Rollie (8/5/2009 11:52:11 PM): Bc?
Rollie (8/5/2009 11:52:56 PM): Ya know……..for mr krinkle
O (8/5/2009 11:52:57 PM): i haven’t gone in 20 years
Rollie (8/5/2009 11:53:26 PM): Nice
O (8/5/2009 11:54:11 PM): oh yeah, i need BC cuz i haven’t been on it in 12 years so i can have sex with Mr. K
Rollie (8/5/2009 11:54:46 PM): I know
O (8/5/2009 11:54:57 PM): g’nite
Rollie (8/5/2009 11:55:21 PM): Yep
Rollie (8/5/2009 11:55:44 PM): Was a joke
Rollie (8/5/2009 11:56:11 PM): Love u nite
O (8/5/2009 11:59:53 PM): i only wish you did
Rollie (8/6/2009 12:02:18 AM): Wtf
Rollie (8/6/2009 12:02:32 AM): ?
O (8/6/2009 12:02:52 AM): nothing
O (8/6/2009 12:02:54 AM): go to bed
Rollie (8/6/2009 12:03:21 AM): Y u say it then?
Rollie (8/6/2009 12:03:30 AM): Fine nite
O (8/6/2009 12:03:36 AM): because that’s how i feel
O (8/6/2009 12:03:44 AM): i’m not going to fight with you tonite though
Rollie (8/6/2009 12:04:13 AM): K sain nite
O (8/6/2009 12:04:22 AM): g’nite

really, why did i marry him? what the hell was i thinking. i married a rude liar.

*sigh*