Bittersweet

Does that make me Voldermort?????

Man, where do i even begin with this entry? So much has happened in so little time i feel like i haven’t had a chance to realise what’s going on.

Been through a range of emotions today. After a little slip this morning, i fell into what can only be described as a self inflicted depression. I tried to remedy that, but apperently, i have no rights whatsoever anymore. Fair enough. All i asked for was a yes or no. Not for any other reason other than to find out if there was any hope left. Call it the second book end if you will, but it’s something i had to know. It may have been suggested in jest, but it cut to the bone. And yep, i’ve done that before so i know how much it fuckin hurts.

But i guess it doesn’t matter anymore. I know when i assume, i make an ass out of u and me (ha, whoever came up with that that one was having a slow day!), but i will assume it’s a yes, in which case why hold anything back, right?

Because, even though this is my diary, my own little space, i still haven’t got the guts to say what it is i wanna say. I’ve heard your side, heard your reasons and accepted them all. Hell, i’ve got my first appointment tomorrow coz of it! Yet, my uncensored thoughts are still floating around in my head. YOU’RE NOT THAT FRAGILE! Why can’t i tell you the truth???

Does it matter anymore?

Yes it does.

I still have hope. Without hope, you’ll be just another reason to not listen to certain songs.

I screwed up. I know i did. But with the help of another (who shall remain nameless here. No disrespect intended.), i’ve come to realise my biggest mistake. Not giving you the space you deserve. By trying to pull you closer, i pushed you further. I was so scared to lose you, i couldn’t see i’d already lost you. If i apologise for anything, it’s that. I’m sorry i pushed you away.

Now, moving on to tomorrow. His name is T******E Brannigan, which immediately make me want to call him Zap. I don’t know anything about him other then he knows Jo (who shall be handing over information of previous dealings), and he’s an Arsenal fan which could get very interesting down the line.

Emotions are a funny thing. I’m sitting here, fuming as i write one sentence, but laughing as i think about the next. I don’t think it’s quite sunk in yet. I don’t think it ever will. Not with you.

I’m sure this won’t be the last entry dedicated to the space you once filled, but it will have to do for tonight. My head hurts and my heart can’t take anymore punishment…today.

As a parting thought, i never meant to make you hurt. If i’d been more open, maybe you could have told me where i went wrong. But i chose to remain as i always do. Closed. My greatest regret.

7 years, 4 months, 22 days

2699 days

64,766 hours

3,886,560 minutes

233,193,600 seconds

All that time, and yet it still doesn’t feel like it was enough.

N.B. I truly am sorry. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. Be Good. X