so shine bright, tonight

i think this must be an anxiety flare up that has been waiting to happen for a couple of weeks now. i just dont feel like i am coping very well. 

Cope- Verb (used without object)
1) to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success (usually followed by "with": ‘i will try to cope with his rudeness’
2) to face and deal with responsibilities, problems, or difficulties, especially successfully or in a calm or adequate manner: ‘After his breakdown he couldn’t cope any longer.’

i am just not coping. i have so much on my mind. and it is so difficult to verbalise it. it all comes round full circle so i dont know how to separate the anxieties.

1) I am running out of time to study

2) I have lots of assignments to complete by end of next week

3) i have to organise my elective

4) there are things to do for my wedding

5) my back hurts constantly

6) i need o exercise but i have no motivation or time to think about it. every time i do, i know the time would be better spent studying

7) i want to cook more, to be healthier, but i am not confident any more. no one likes my cooking.

8) i have several meetings i have to attend and worry about them

9) there is a lot of cleaning

10) i keep wretching. and nearly vomiting. and it is horrible. every day. every morning. every time i smell a smell. or think about what it is.

11) after next week i have to move to DGH again on my own.

12) i am not sleeping well. it feels troubled or i have horrible dreams. i just wake up stressed. i never feel refreshed.

13) FPAS. what if i dont get the job i need? or want? or should have?

14) if i cannot cope with my life now, how am i gonna cope later? i keep contemplating packing everything in, because i dont think i can handle it with 2 kids, and a house to clean, and cooking, and all that. i just dont think i can. if i cant now, how can i then?

15) i keep getting lumps. or bumps. or spots. or cysts as the doctor called them, in my armpit. at first there was one in my left breast. and then in my right armpit. then in my right breast. and the one in my right armpit got bigger and worse. and now there is one in my left armpit. they hurt. and i know they are benign, but they fucking scare me. 

i wish i didnt have to think about anything. i wish had the luxury of just being able to go to uni, and come home, study, and sleep. no back ache. no worrying about food. no concern for the future. no worrying about the flat. no drama. nice and boring, and simple and clean and worry free. i wish i could be worry free.

i wish someone would help me. literally physically help me. i dont feel like i am coping. i am not coping. from now on, i have to learn to cope alone. everytime i ask for help, i dont get any. i get told i am being selfish. and demanding, and disrespectful.

no one will help me. 

 

the manifestation of depression comes at me like a knife
sacrifice your need for help to prevent burden on others
you can convince yourself you are alone.
but you know there are others.
anxious, twisting, turning. cycles in your head.
it feels like it won’t end.
you panic. you cant breathe. there is an end. i promise. 
false promises to yourself
everything will be ok
4 words of wishful thinking.
convince yourself you will be ok. reason with yourself to keep calm
make a deal with the devil. the depression. your alterego. yourself.