hypnotised by drums
i am so stressed and antsy right now. just feel ridiculously stressed. and sort of weird in the head. not sure how to explain it. my brain keeps freezing out. and i really didnt want to leave home today…i just kept sleeping. even knowing i had to leave, i kept sleeping. and i was sweating. i woke up and my face was soaked..i wiped a bucket of sweat off. cold sweat. and i just feel so stressed.
i dont really know why this has come on today. nothing has happened this weekend to make me feel that way. im annoyed about the flat. i need to have it cleaned. and it is really upsetting me that it is such a mess at the moment. im also feeling like i need to leave the place.
ST put an offer on a new place for us to live in when we are married. 1 bed, 1 bath, 1 tiny patio/garden, 1 decent sized kitchen, 1 decent sized living room…and lots of storage space. i really liked it. it is ground floor, and not too far from a station and public transport. it’s near a river, and a macdonalds lol. there is underground parking, it’s gated, and secure, and has a concierge. and i can’t wait to get my hands on it and start redecorating the way i want it. we have to change the kitchen units (which are currently hideous), find some nice colours for the walls, put in some new curtains and blinds, it needs a good clean, and an upheaval of the current shitty laminate flooring. some nice dark wood floorboards would be better, along with a bit of carpet. then i can put up the pictures and decorations i have collected over the years. and move my clothes in, and pick some new bedding, and leave the electronics up to ST lol. i am so excited about it. but then i keep thinking about how i have lived where i live for 6 years now. and how, technically, even though i have always had a love/hate relationship with it…i will kinda miss it. i will miss its location and the convenience of it. and the fact that i know the area so well, and being able to tell people that i live there was such a perk. i suppose the rich bitch city girl in me is a little peeved at having to move out. but the normal, modest, down to earth, sane girl in me cannot wait to get out and be house proud.
my dad has completely changed. he is so supportive all of a sudden. he told us that for our wedding gift, he wants to buy us a car….
i often buy into these lavish ideas he has, and then i end up disappointed when he changes his mind and backtracks out of his promises. it has left me pretty jaded.. and now i dont trust it at all. but ST has his hopes up. and is thinking about cars that he wants. my dad already mentioned the mini-range-rover that is new. ST is ALL OVER IT. and i dont really mind. but again, im gonna miss my banged up shitty old vauxhall corsa. which has driven me so far in life over the last almost 3 years.
he’s also super excited about doing the wedding in the house. we’re looking into tents.
really love the height and material used in these. love the open sides in the first one, and the gold undraped chairs in the second.
so that’s all looking promising.
something about this all is really making me feel like my life is being peeled away from me, and some new one is replacing it. which is fine, and im looking forward to it, but it is daunting nonetheless. and i guess i havent been thinking about it because i dont have a ring on my finger yet…but it’s slowly sinking in.
plus the pressure of it being final year. and a whole month has gone by, and i havent started doing any work. sign off is on thursday, and i am scared i am not gonna be signed off well, because i have missed at least 1 day of every week, and not been to any lunch time teaching. partly because ive not been fully aware that it has been on.
im on GP rotation next, which should be ok, and i have another student i like with me, so i wont be completely alone. just looking forward to having the flat cleaned, and being able to organise my shit properly so i can sit down and start working. 8 months is not that much time.
i am just in one of those moods to be alone. in a blanket. watching crap on the internet, but i cant do that.