pineapple under the sea

 i’m so down right now. the fight last night was too much. and my head cant get past it. i just feel so overwhelmed. my arms hurt. and my body hurts from everything trapped in me. i just want it to have never happened. but it did. and i cant get closure.

i hate me. i hate being me. i was trying to think back to a me i liked, and i realised i never have liked me. i thought maybe it was in first year of uni, when i managed to break free, but i was so abrasive. and then i thought maybe it was after GCSEs, when i was nice, but i was such a pushover. and then i thought maybe it was before that at the start of secondary school. but when i think back to that time, all that stands out is my parents shouting at me for crying so much. and my sister pushing me around. and the more i learn about it, and think about it…i was a depressed child. i was a child with depression. and no one recognised it. and it kept building, and then i had a snap when i learnt about self harming, and then i snapped again when i didnt get into university the first time, and then i fully snapped when all the shit with my sister happened. and now i feel like i am constantly snapping at everything, and i cant figure out if in 10 years time, i’ll look back and wonder why i didnt do something sooner. or that i’ll recognise that actually this is a snap.

my arms hurt so much. everything feels tainted.

i just hate me. 

i hate the fact that i was born like this. my mum says ive always been sensitive. why did she let me become like this. why do i have to be sensitive. i dont want to be like this. i dont want to cry. i dont want to feel like this. why did i have to be like this. 

i just feel like. yeah im alive. and im making do with the shitty person i am, and trying to live this life…but i dont really want it. and i wish i had never been born. cos at least i wouldnt feel like this. and i wouldnt have to think. and yes, there are good things in life, but id rather feel nothing at all if feeling good means i have to feel this bad. and then at least there would be one less person for God to look after, and one less burden to the world. and now im here, and i dont appreciate it, not because i dont know what it’s like to not have what i have, but because i never wanted it. what good is it to be so wealthy healthy and lucky if you can’t enjoy it. i would rather give it to someone who wants it. 

i dont know how to be the person i want to be. the person that doesnt make her boyfriend cry. the kind of person that could make him happy. and he did some pretty horrible things too, but he wouldnt have done if i hadnt been there. and he could go and be the person he should be, and could be if he was with the type of girl that could make him happy. and i cant be her, becaue i dont know how to be her. 

i thought that if i found my spongebob today, i would feel ok. that i would feel settled. but it hasnt helped. i just feel alone. 

i feel guilty when i feel happy. because i feel like i dont deserve it. and i try and grab it as much as i can, but that makes me feel desperate. maybe i am desperate. im not looking to be saved. 

i feel like im in sliding doors. and somewhere along the line of my life, i split. and the other me is happy. she managed to lose weight, and passed her exams, and found the right guy that she made happy, and she graduated and knew what she wanted in life. she got on with her family, her family never fell apart. and i wonder if that version of me ever thinks about this version of me. and how she is so lucky to not be where i am. and that she thanks God every day for where she is. only what is the point of carrying on this version of me, it’s a dud. when creating a product, you dont continue the products that dont work, you carry on with the one that does. natural selection. naturally, she would progress. so why am i still here. i am not her. i can keep trying to be her, but im not. and i never will be. and somewhere along the line i will get exhausted and die. only im just waiting for it. because i know it will happen. the fate of the unwanted products. knowing that you have no purpose. and you are just waiting for disposal. other people dont know it. and they can enjoy the time they have. but i do know it. and i know the reason why. because i am a dud. a zero. a nothing. 

sometimes i dont even realise myself how much his words effect me.