heaven help

 i cut.

i had been meaning to write for a a week or so, but i knew something was brewing, and when i thought to write, i knew i would be writing anyway, and i knew it would be for something bad, but i just left it anyway in the hopes that it would end up being for something good.

ive been pretty down i think since everything that happened with my mums helper. and ive really been trying to fight it off. but ive known im not in the right state of mind. i could feel it creeping, but i lied and told everyone i had a grip of it. 

my coping mechanism is to talk. but when i cannot talk. i resort to cut. so today it grew all over me. after the not talking yesterday after the fight the night before, so i didnt sleep at all last night. and this morning he had his escape route so he talked before he had to leave. and i just cant handle it. i cant handle being so alone. so unable to talk. i started crying this morning, he told me they were crocodile tears. i knew it was because if it left the way it did, i would cut. and i did. 

i felt guilty while doing it. i feel ashamed now. 

i dont want anyone near me. ive been accused of crocodile tears, so i would rather weep alone than be thought of as a fraud. i almost texted SK. but just before i hit send, i just thought…what’s the point. ive done it now. what can she do that will stop me feeling like this? she cant do anything. so instead of bumming her out and making her worry for no reason. i retracted. and im sitting in my dark room. with pain in my left thigh. i feel so alone. so by making myself alone, im validating it. 

he didnt hug me last night. normally he grabs me. last night he didnt. last night he barely could be bothered to put a hand on me. 

i dont think i make him happy. nothing i do is good enough. i know that. i dont cook. i hardly clean any more. i barely pass my exams. im fat, and therefore not even attractive. i dont like his indian jokes. the only thing i do is know him. 

i dont want to be back here. i really dont. i want this to pass. and i want it to pass quickly. 

but what if it doesnt. and what if its too much for him to handle. and what if he decides hes done?

no more. i dont wanna write any more.