low place like home

 words cannot describe the emotions i am feeling. the hurt inside me. my heart doesnt know where to go or how to feel. i just keep crying when i think about it. 

mum;s helper has been living with us for 7 years. 

July 2005, she arrived with my obese grandma. i was wary, i didnt care much, i didnt understand why she was even here. but mum was pre-pacemaker, and mum couldnt look after my grandma and provide the care she needed in going to the loo, eating, sleeping etc. in such a large house, my mum couldnt run up the stairs to get the laundry or cook at the cooker for hours on end. my mum was sick. and she needed help. so this girl came. this phenomenon. this person my mother told me to respect. she was 23. a mother of 2 children aged 5 and 8. 

i was at a stage in my life when things were kinda low for me. i was lonely. working at my dad’s GP, miserable. i would spend my time on the computer, and keep quiet. my grandma used to complain about how quiet i was. even got my dad worried. stuff had happened in my house that had potentially scarred me, and stuff was still happening my house. changes. stuff i didnt really know i approved of. 

my sister warmed to her pretty quickly. they would talk and stuff. i kept my distance a little. and then gradually, as i spent time with my sister, i ended up spending time with her too. mum told me she could thread. so she began threading me, and gradually and slowly, we grew closer. i never took her for granted. 

my grandma left. but she stayed. and i never understood really. but it was ok, cos she was slowly becoming part of the family. we welcomed her with open arms, we looked after her, taught her english, gave her advice, and she would help my mum and tell us stories. 

even when mum got her pacemaker fitted, and was somewhat healthier..she still didnt leave. and i never really understood that. i guess i thought that she shouldnt have really stuck around because she was meant to only be there for my mum while my grandma was here. but she stuck around, and with the large house, it helped. my parents had a housekeeper. and we had a new addition to our family.

then she did decide to leave. and it was hard. because we had got used to her. my dad (when he was still in love with my mum) was worried about my mum. how would she cope? and she had become so integral to us. that summer was my brother’s wedding. i took over her role and became my mum’s strength instead. my dad cried when she left. i saw my dad cry that awful night when he disowned my brother while my mum was in india. i saw my dad cry when he had grown so fed up of my family and couldnt control how to feel about it all. and i saw my dad cry when he hugged her at the airport as she was leaving. i saw my dad cry at my brother’s registry when he delivered his speech. i heard my dad well up when his business and practice parter of 35 years died. 

after about 4 months, i dont really remember the timing, she came back. everyone was pretty delighted. i remember wondering why she did, but i was elated none-the-less. 

then everything started falling apart at home. and she kept being put in the middle. and i would tell her to not let herself get involved. i would tell her to back home. to not feel any obligation to this family, and to not worry about my mum. my mum who she called aunty, but would treat like her own mother. 

somewhere in the last few years, i guess since my brother got properly married, she flipped a switch and didnt tell any of us. 

she’s been stealing from us. hundreds and thousands of pounds. jewellery from my dad’s business. selling it off as if her own business. 

she betrayed us. 

she betrayed my parents.

she betrayed my mum.

she betrayed the promise she made me that she would look after my mum while i cant. 

she lied to us all. and i cant accept it. or i cant fathom it. or i cant help but feel guilty for it. or i feel lost. that if i cant even trust her, the one person i thought i could trust, if not her, then no one. its not even the money. i dont care about the money. i dont give a damn about it. its the hurt she’s caused. the tornado she’s left. my parents. what about my parents?

apparantly when they confronted her she didnt even cry. she showed no remorse. she was cold. she didnt even care. but i had thought this whole time she did. that it was genuine concern for me. for my parents?

i feel really lost. confused.alone. lied to. 

i am so hurt.