proud of you
time to grow up and regress to who i really am.
resolutions (or list of what i do wrong and need to stop) (or list of how to be a better person) (improvements):
1) brush my teeth at least once a day. sounds awful, but some days i forget when im staying at someone else’s place, and then i eat something and forget entirely. so even if i spend a week stuck in my car teetering on the edge of death, i will find a way to brush my teeth at least once a day. also, FLOSS FRIDAYS. i will floss my teeth every friday. (so far so good..flossed already)
2) transport. learn to cope with public transport like the rest of the world. learn to appreciate that i have an inctricate means of getting from A to B without petrol. STOP TAKING CABS. no more daily cabs. once a week at most. no rollovers. an emergency is classed as dying. and even in emergency, and i end up taking 3 cabs in a week, that means i miss a go for the following 2 weeks. its a serious waste of money. i need to stop being stupid. im pretty frugal, but i dont want to get into bad habits.
3) exercise. this is not a LOSE WEIGHT resolution. i have had that one on my list for about 10 years now. no, i need to get into the habit of exercising. SO by February 1st (my deadline), i need to have grafted a exercise plan. i want to be in a habit of doing 4 hours of exercise a week by 6 months. (what i used to do up until the age of 14). and then, by the end of 2012, i want to be exercising every day. this will come in the shape of swimming, gyming, and if i find a buddy, a dance class of some sort. it looks like zumba may gain a new fan. NO EXCUSES. and although it has been my aim for 10 years to be a size 12, and it hasnt quite been reached, im going to set myself attainable goals. i have approximately 18 months (graduation) to be skinny-er than i am not. i managed to lose 10kg in one summer. i can do better. especially cos all the room service over christmas has made me gain. i am more than certain.
4) be more dedicated to my course, and my uni, and my future career. stop getting into headfucks about all this. just fucking do it. if i dont go into uni, and choose to take the day off, i HAVE to study. no pissing about. i need to start being more regular with the amount of work i need to do. this week, i have been in a funk for no reason, and truth be told, im miserable. i need to get back to who i am. start studying. im gonna try and do some this weekend. and hopefully next week, i will get some free time at the hospital to do some during the day. might help if i have a bigger bag so that i can carry shit around. start actually caring about the fact that im gonna end up on the other side of the world if i dont at least TRY to buck up. i need to keep on top of the work im given.
5) wake up earlier and sleep better. get into a better sleep routine. at the moment, im on my period. so my back is hurting like mad. as are my legs. (dont ask me why, my body is weird). sleep is difficult. but i gotta stop phasing out into fights in my head. i need to stop. it scares me. and i am sick of the nightmares. i need to start getting to bed and sleeping earlier. and i need to start waking up on time and getting into a good routine. i had a pretty good routine after south east asia…i never shook the jetlag entirely and used it to my benefit and got into a good rhythm of waking up on time. but i got into a bad habit over christmas when all the shitty stuff caught up on me.
6) let my mum come over more. that means i gotta start keeping on top of cleaning my flat. i need to tidy ST’s stuff in a way that means it won’t get discovered. i need to put some effort into keeping this place nice. its currently a mess. its mostly the clothes that i dont wear that build up after i wash them. its like i do the action, and dnt do the reaction. i put the dishes in the dishwasher, but i dont take them out, and then other dishes build up. bad. BAD BADBAD.same with the clothes. i need to organise and keep on top of it.
7) maintain the way my relationship is going at the moment. it is good. i am miserable as fuck, but thats me, not my relationship. ST is happy. and i am being supportive. i be supportive, and then, when he’s supported, i get him to support me. because my head is going nuts. i told him i thought i should see my doctor about it…maybe go for some more CBT, just to get me through a couple months and restrengthen myself. he said i didnt need it. and i told him i felt i did. like something didnt feel right in me. and he said that indian thing, that i didnt need it, and that i had him, and i dont need to resort to the big bad evil counselling services because heaven forbid i have mental health issues. but then he had said that i had him. i told him that i dont want to burden him. and i know that sometimes, when he’s having problems, he cant handle me, and i dont want to put that much pressure on him. i genuinely feel its not up to him to deal with my anxiety issues. but he said he could handle it. and that i didnt need the CBT. and that he was there for me. and he hugged me. close. lately hugging has been amazing. its like he cant live without me. i feel like a comfort blanket. and i love it. like hugging me settles something in him.
my thumb is dodgy at the moment, and sometimes i catch it oddly and it fucking kills me. the other night, we got a little rough and tumble with me and caught my thumb horribly. and i literally started crying like a baby. i guess it was all the feeling miserable in me that just manifested when i hurt my thumb badly…but i literally cried like a LITTLE baby. a baby with no shame or guilt. and while it was happening, while i was crying out loud to him like a baby, i knew it was happening, but i couldnt stop. but he hugged me. and gave me little kisses. and kissed my thumb. and everything felt right. it still hurt like shit, but all the miserable in me dissipated. and i know it sounds like i have some daddy issues, and im using my boyfriend to substitute a father figure…but its not. i am aware that crying like that is weird. and not sexy. and needy. and i hated that i was doing it. all i kept thinking in my head that i just wanted to go home and hug my mum. but ST came to my rescue. and he was there. and he just gave me the comfort i needed.
the way things have become for me…i miss comfort. and ST…he brings it back to me. i dont feel warm unless he’s with me.
8) stop relying on cutting and harming myself to get me through feeling shit. its strange though. the more i stop myself from doing it every time something goes wrong, the more likely i am to crack and do it. its like it all builds up until i cant stop myself. i almost did it last week. i grabbed my scissors and everything. but i called SK. and she calmed me down. and then ST and i sorted through our argument slowly. and i told him i almost did it. and he told me "but you promised me last time that you wouldnt". and i had forgotten my promise. when i had the scissors in my hand and sat in that dark room, i didnt e
ven think of that promise. all i kept thinking was…if im so worthless, and if life is so worthless, what is the point in stopping myself from doing it? what is the point in protecting myself from it. i might as well do it. and maybe that way i will be closer to never having to breathe again. what is the point in trying to be good when im just going to die anyway?
but he reminded me of the promise i made. and although at the time, i called SK because my own sense came into it, and told me that i needed to distract myself…i told him that that was why i called SK…because i had promised him.
he held me that night anyway. and joked that he had to lock up the knives and scissors everywhere when he wasnt there. something in me didnt mind the joke though. and even though the joke made absolutely no sense to the situation, and even though, the joke really was based on a ridiculous idea, and it clearly showed no understanding…the fact that he made it made me feel like he understood. like he stopped having an indian view of everything, and showed some western mentality (and by western i just mean common sense).
9) wear my glasses more often. everything looks HD quality when i do.
10) no more regular macdonalds. i am only allowed to binge on up to 5 cheeseburgers with no meat and supersize fries ONCE A MONTH. normally i can think of parts of my meal as being healthy. some aspect of what im eating always usually has an element of health behind it. a ploughman’s sandwich has SALAD in it. only pizza with VEGETABLES on it, coupled with a side salad. but i seriously cannot think of one thing that is even vaguely healthy about 5 cheeseburgers with no meat and supersize fries. and come to think of it, i cannot think of ANYTHING in macdonalds ever being healthy. you cant even convert it into being healthy. "leave the dressing on the side"…you just cant have that mentality about anything in macdonalds, because even if you put the sugar filled ketchup on the side, you are still left with pickles and cheese and a salty bun. so, im weaning myself off. i probably have some form of macdonalds/burger king twice or maybe thrice a month. NO MORE. same with the taxi-cab analogy. no more than once a month. no rollovers. if eaten in advance, i miss a go for the next month. so for example, if i ate macdonalds 12 times in january, i would not be able to eat it again for a year.
and thats it for now.
ps- just re-read this. i think i am mad.