look at me now

so here i am. 

i finally have time. after 2 months of rushing. i have a day. half a day to myself. 

 

south east asia was great. really really good. a few issues here and there. but nothing i haven’t got over or rather that i cant handle.

meeting new people was awkward for me at first. i had been practically locked up in my flat for about 2-3 months with hardly any contact from the outside world apart from ST, and AB…and occasionally my mum. even dinner after exams was awkward for me. not just awkward…exhausting.i was so tired after exams. 

but yeah, i soon eased into it. eventually…or maybe not ever…i cant really be sure. im left with that feeling i had after school…when i would see pictures of people meeting up and reminiscing about something "awesome"…i was there…i dont remember it being that awesome…but i wonder if it was just me or whether its the afterglow effect…i wonder if they had a different experience to me, or whether they just remember it as being awesome and incredible because its not happening any more…

maybe a little of both?

a couple of people bothered me. JI was an annoying prick. i never got a chance to tell him how he made me feel. how he was a hypocritical git and it bothered me. 
im not a particularly touchy-feely kinda person. i never really have been. girls at school would hug me just to annoy me. i used to hate it. partly because i was so insecure about my body. and since, its just stuck with me. i find it immensely uncomfortable being touched by people. especially people ive known for a week. SK never touches me…SL does sometimes, but ive known her for 5 years now..MN never touches me…neither does SN…ST does..but hes my boyfriend…i know the deal…
even my mum…if its not something i initiated…i get irritated when she touches me. i think its something thats also rubbed off from her..i remember when i was little i would try and touch her face and she would flinch. or i would hug her and she’d get tired after a while. its just who i am. 
so when JI grabbed my arm as i was getting out of a tuktuk my initial thought was "why isn’t he letting me out of this thing…why is he trapping me?"…and that manifested with me saying out loud "don’t touch me". 
i had known him for about 5-7 days. i would have said the same thing to SL. sometimes im aware of myself. and i adjust myself to situations. like when CD came and sat next to me on the train and put his arm around me. it was uncomfortable. i didnt understand why he was doing it. but i managed to control my urges to say "do you mind maybe not getting so close up to me", and instead grinned and bore it. 
apparantly i insulted JI at that moment i said "don’t touch me". never mind him realising that maybe he insulted me…i insulted him. and after that he branded me a bitch. he was so surprised when i did anything genuinely humane and normal. every time i lent him something, he would say "aw gee P…thanks so much, thank you so so much". for fuck sake. like i said. im not a bitch. 
he then persisted to make jokes about it. lets get one thing straight. I NEVER MADE JOKES AT HIS EXPENSE ABOUT SOMETHING HE WAS GENUINELY AFFECTED BY. i never made jokes about him not drinking. i never made jokes about him not drinking coffee. i never made jokes about his inability to hear a rude word. i accepted him for who he was. i understood that he had probably gone through his own shit in life, and that hey, everyone has a boundary.
did he ever give me that same courtesy? no, he judged me straight off. decided that i was a bitch because i had a boundary. he even had the audacity to ask me what he could do to have such priviledges. to which i answered…"ermmm…plan to marry me? be my boyfriend? thats about it really…" to which he was so shocked and repulsed by…yeah…thats not gonna make me feel like shit.
he even had the audacity to say it was nice to see a vulnerable side to me after i’d spent 20 mins crying on the phone to ST because i was missing him so much. 
what kills me the most is that if anyone had said half the stuff he said about other people about him…he would have been miserable. he would have felt so demeaned, and upset, and moody. and i remember when i pointed this out to him, and he admitted it himself. so after that, i stopped feeling sorry for him. if he’s gonna be a dick, then he should expect others to be a dick to him. you can’t say things behind people’s backs and think that just because they’re not there to hear it, it doesnt make you a dick. IT MAKES YOU A DICK JI.

the other person that annoyed me was the tour guide. another hypocrite who had a go at me and SL for apparantly being the lowest of the low of a social ladder, basically because we werent drinking, and because he had assumed we were laughing at him, when excuse me Mr. Tour Guide…have you EVER tried to make conversation with anyone when you’re swimming in alcohol? have other people tried to make conversation with you? YES! have you ever responded with more than a one-word answer? NO! so how dare you sit there and tell me im low on a social scale when you can’t even make conversation with someone when you’re sober? how does that make you ABOVE me in a social scale?
i was consistent. drinking or not, i would talk to whoever was around me. I would try to make conversation. i would laugh at myself, and laugh with others. day or night. Alcohol or not. mainly not. instead of being a douche-bag that would only act like a dickhead when he was high on alcohol. and you’re above me socially because….?
and im sorry…you thought the creepiest mother-fucker on the group was a "good guy…awesome guy"? yeah. i’d much rather be ME…than be considered an "awesome good guy" if it meant being on level with that weirdo. THANKS.

and lets talk about the creep. Pcreep. Pcreep was a nasty little piece of work. a jerk that would act like he was some ladies man, party animal but was actually the lamest twat ive ever met. fresh off the boat and trying to act otherwise. fucking disgusting. and what bothered me was that when i was actually being nice, actively TRYING to make conversation…he ignored my questions blank out right out right there in front of everyone and responded to none. literally said nothing when i asked him questions about his job, about his iPad (which really isnt that big a fucking deal), about himself. he literally refused to say a word. FUCK YOU YOU CREEP. he never tried it on with me. maybe he didnt think i was fit. maybe because he knew i wouldnt have it. wait no, he did try, i shut it down very quickly. and he didnt try again. either way, it wasnt going to happen, and he knew, and i think deep down he knew it was because he is a nasty little shit.

those were my only gripes to be honest. there was another miserable git towards the end of the trip. but he doesnt really

need mentioning…lets just say he was a DICKHEAD and all…and then he tried to add me on facebook. dont think so mother-fucker. 

gosh ive got rude havent i? i think its literally because i just really hated these people. 

 

thailand was awesome. i really liked the food out there…and i kinda only really wish we got to spend a little more time in bangkok!
but we did loads of great stuff out there. the temples were amazing, the tigers were pretty cool and even the first night we went proper clubbing was hilarious!
Laos was really beautiful. the food wasnt that great, but the temples were really lovely too. and i really liked the boat ride to luang prabang via pakbeng. i think thats when we all really bonded a lot. regardless of whether we went to that bar in pakbeng or not. 
i think cambodia was definitely my fave! angkor wat was incredible. the recent history of cambodia is heartbreaking. but i feel like life in cambodia is going to change for them soon. maybe not for the great…but something is in store, and i bet they are gonna shoot up pretty fast and pretty soon…
also that last night out in cambodia was amazing. rivals a night out back here!
and finally vietnam. i havent decided if i liked it or not. it would have definitely been my fave if the old group had stuck with us…i enjoyed it, and i probably felt my most comfortable then…but there was this whole influx of new people that i never got to grips with. i met some really nice people, and some people i would be happy to never see again. vietnam had literally no temples. it was as communist as i remember china being. and in some ways i liked it, because it seemed to be more caught up with the rest of the world. but in other ways…it lacked something. there was no natural richness. and although there were touristy things…it felt…touristy. maybe it was a lack of pride in what culture they had left…im not sure. i think the only part i really enjoyed the most was halong bay…perhaps because i did feel that pride because it was something they had that had been untouched and natural. nha trang was really good too. snorkelling was the best. the sea in nha trang is purer than halong bay…
and vietnamese food is pretty good too 🙂

 

i got back in one piece 🙂 straight into ST’s arms. amazing. we had a couple of episodes of passion. he knows im ready. now we just wait. wait for when it just feels right. 
but that night…when i got back…was so…connecting. he took his time and made me orgasm..and then he wanted to keep going…but i was too swollen down there…so he just spent an hour massaging it (with some cream :S) but it just felt nice. it felt nice being able to trust someone enough to do that without worrying. and we talked a little. we talked about what he was thinking about..and his fantasies. and it was nice. and warm. 
since then we’ve been really good. a few minor spats here and there. but mainly me being tired and cranky, and him being a bit low and depressed. but we’re ok. in fact, we’re good.

 

uni has been good too. the first week of lectures was nice. i think the reason why people enjoy paeds so much is cos its a completely new subject that we have never touched on before. not even allowed to consider it. especially the ethics and law aspect. its all brand spanking new. i think i like it…but im having a bit of trouble getting to grips with the idea of clerking. it seems simple in theory…you talk to the kid and play with the kid while gaining a history from the parents. ive seen many doctors do it..and do it well. but it also feels like theres a million things you have to do in one go. you have to assess the childs development, you have to gain the child’s trust, you have to gain the parents trust, you have to take a history from both the parent and the child, you have to add in about a hundred more imperative questions to the already complex history and then you’re done. oh and then you have to examine…formulate a plan…come up with some differentials…make sure nothing sinister is going on..and THEN you’re done…oh wait, then you have to present, and feel shit about yourself when you do a mediocre job.

its complicated. but im enjoying the subject matter…it all kinda makes sense. and i like the hospital im at. maybe it will all change and seem simpler when i attend clinics etc.

ive taken yesterday afternoon and today off, because of flipping migraines. yesterday when it came on, i was really quite annoyed. i wanted to attend a clinic and ease myself into it all again…but no such luck. and then today we had some pretty important and quite vital teaching sessions, which i was majorly pissed off about this morning. i sneezed and my headache came back full throttle. 

ST was great last night..he really looked after me. so as a treat i’m gonna spend the evening doing what he wants…i owe it to him 🙂

now that, that is all out of my system…i had really better start doing some reading or work of some sort.