boy, beware

i find myself in a trance at night. fighting. screaming and shouting. at them. at her. at that man. 

and then i realise what happens when i do that. nothing. nothing is gained. no one listens. no one learns.

and i break. 

and i take a breath like its the first breath of life ive ever taken. a deep breath from every inch and corner of my lungs. 

and i snap back to reality. and i break down in tears.

like ive survived a nightmare. 

but it wasnt a nightmare. it was me. i was awake. like i had been meditating. but i thought meditation was meant to draw out positivity and peace.

and i feel lost.

luckily ST was there with me last night. but what do i do when hes not?

this morning i wept. i wept so hard i couldnt see through my tears when he was leaving. because i know that him not being here leaves me scared. scared that i will go into that trance, and when i snap out of it, i’ll be alone. and its making me cry now. i want to sleep tonight. but im scared to. im scared of it. im scared of that screaming and shouting.

and i find myself just asking why. im trying so hard to accept whats going on, but i cant until i understand why its happening. not who. what. when. but why. 

we were happy once. we were a family. why doesnt he want to be a family any more? why is this happening to our family? 

 

and then i try. i try really hard to think about positive things. i think about getting married to ST. about our own future. 

i think to the day i marry him. and i wonder who will dance at my sangeet? who will be the girls who try to steal his shoes? who will cry when i sit in that car with ST? who are the girls who will look at me and hope that one day they’ll be as lucky? who will sit with me while my mendhi dries? 

my kids won’t have a nana. they wont have a mama and mami. they wont have a masi. 

 

so i ask ST if he will shout and scream with me. if when we’re married he’ll help me. if he’ll shout and scream at them with me. if he’ll get angry with me. 

i ask him if he’ll always take my side. i ask him if he’ll always believe me. no matter who. i ask him to be in my team no matter what. 

i asked him why this was happening to me. and he told me he wished he had answer to give me so i wouldnt hurt as much. 

but i still cry when he leaves. because i dont know when i wont feel alone again.

 

i just wonder if theres anyone out there who has ever felt the same. like theyre trying to grasp this idea that their parents are splitting up and going to divorce..but they just cant. because they just cant understand why its happening. 

 

i tried emailing some of my cousins last week. perhaps in a bid to get hold of some sort of family again. they never replied.