green eyes

 if i am true to myself, i am JEALOUS. i am sooo fucking jealous. i am livid with jealousy. 

if my life had gone according to plan. if i wasnt a dunce. if i was clever…i would be a doctor right now.

everyone around me is graduating. people from school. people from my year 2 years ago. people i should be graduating with. and this pinch of jealousy that theyre already there and im still going through this bullshit. i am so jealous. 

and it doesnt motivate me. it makes me want to bury my head in my blanket and forget the world exists. cos it reminds me of the downfalls ive had in life. and how i am NOT graduating. i should be a doctor by now. im 24 and i should be a doctor. 

itll be worse next year. i didnt mind the gap year, but next year will kill me. it will hurt majorly. i will be devastated that i wont be graduating with the people i had assigned my life to. the people i entered uni with. the people i looked at on the first day and thought to myself "the next time we’ll be congregated like this, will be on the day we graduate".

and yet i wont graduate with them.

if i were graduating this year, i would be getting married this year. me and ST would be planning a wedding. 

if i were graduating this year i would have a job. a job with a future. 

if i were graduating this year maybe i wouldnt be so fucked up in the head about everything. cos everything would have gone to plan. 

but im not. and its like rubbing salt into my wounds watching these people graduate. some of them, im genuinely proud of, i am happy for them. but when i see the people who wronged me in life getting to do what i want, it makes me upset. 

i am jealous. so so so jealous. jealous is not even the word to use. maybe im just bitter.