well done india

i came here today because i didnt want to be on my own when india won the championship. i didnt want to feeling out of the loop from being indian. i came here to celebrate WITH my boyfriend, who i know it passionate about it.

he clearly didnt want me to come from the offset. and i knew this. and i promised to stay out of his way so that he could enjoy it as he wished.

there is a barrier between me and his friends. i wish it was something i could change. but its not. they are a tight group, and i dont belong. im british born. theyre not. there is a massive link missing. and as much as i try, i try and talk, and i try and understand, i just cant. i try so fucking hard. today i sat with them to watch the match. i stayed quiet, i didnt want to interfere. i said hi. i tried my best. what am i supposed to talk to them about?

yunno when he met my friends, not all, but they basically welcomed him with open arms. i never left him alone, and when i did it was only to check on everyone else. not the other way round.

i tell him again and again, please come out with me and my friends, please. but he says he cant because hes too overweight and wont feel confident.

and yet he expects me to be best friends with his friends. and its so hard. and its not even like i can lose weight and feel confident. I AM A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CULTURE trying to enter a tight group of friends. i just dont belong.

and despite me trying, he just doesnt notice it.

so i dont like having to run after him. i dont like having to feel like im begging for his attention. im not. im not begging for attention. just a quick check in that im ok once in a while.

i didnt go on in the night with him because i didnt want to drag him down. drag him away from his fun. but he just walked away and said bye. i thought he might hug me, but he didnt. i didnt make a big deal about it. i just went in and waited.

i was mildly surprised when he came back and didnt come up. even more so when he came up and still didnt hug me. he said hi, i said hi. he made a joke i corrected him. and then i asked why he didnt hug me when he was leaving while getting up to hug him. and because hes drunk,, he thought i was being aggressive, and started getting defensive and aggressive himseld. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REACT TO THAT? so i told him to go and have fun and to leave me be because i didnt want to spoil his mood. and thats when he starts on me. and i started crying because i feel alone. i feel isolated. i am finding it so hard. and the fact that im trying all day doesnt get noticed. the fact that ive been happy all day doesnt get noticed. he just fucking jumps on the first thing he can. like hes been waiting all day for me to fuck up. and i know he has. and he knows he has. and thats why he didnt even want me to come in the first place.

see the difference is, i came to celebrate with him. with SOMEONE. he didnt want me here because he assumed i would cause drama, because he doesnt want to worry about me. i didnt give him any reason to worry. i just asked for a hug.

and normally, if he wasnt drunk, and wasnt waiting for me to fuck up, he would have just hugged me and said i love you, and come down everyones here. instead of going on about how im a miserable bitch. he doesnt notice that i hesitated before he left because i wanted to say “can i have a hug”. he doesnt notice that i didnt even text him or call him about it because i didnt want to start any drama. i just waited till we were alone for once so that i could have a hug.

i dunno maybe i am being a miserable bitch. maybe im expecting too much. maybe im the one being unreasonable and actually im just fucking scared of his friends and have no way in, and because he just doesnt get it i dont know what to do.