just don’t know what to do with myself

i have literally not written in what feels like a year. there was even a turn in the year and i didnt write. its not even january any more. that was something i always did. from the age of 14. i always wrote a new year entry.

i made some resolutions.

1) to lose weight. for real this time. no bullshit.

2) to pass my exams. for real this time. no shit.

3) to stay happy.

there was some other inbetween stuff. but if i cant remember it now, then theres no way im sticking to it.

the first one is going ok-ish at the moment. i tried on an old skirt which almost entirely fit me.

the second one…well im trying. im going to the library every day. i dont know if its working or if it will work. i can only hope. i certainly feel a bit smarter. im still rubbish at answering in class though. for some reason, every time, i go blank.

the third one…well God is certainly testing me. mum and dad’s fights keep escalating to a point where he threatens divorce every time. im realising a lot about old friends and current friends and how i feel about them. my PCOS is uncontrollable.

theres no point in beligerating about my parents. thats something thats ongoing. i broke down on the weekend and went back to how i was when i was 14. i sat in a dark corner with hard walls and cried. i wept for the loss of happiness in my life.

ST came and took me into bed, and held me. i asked him why we couldnt just be 10 years old. and i would be happy. i would be pretty. i would have no insecurities. i would still be the smartest kid in my class. he could be my best friend and i wouldnt have to worry about anything in the world. i would be blissfully happy. and it would be awesome if he was my best friend. we would watch movies. go bowling and ice skating. do all the stuff i did with my friends when i was 10 with the man of my dreams.

i just kept thinking about when my life started to sink. 12 years old. christmas. my parents found my sister’s diary.

everything blew up.

i blamed myself.

the only person who told me it wasnt my fault was her best friend who my parents banned her from seeing ever again. i remember she was the only person who came to check on me. she was the only person who asked me what the matter was. only person that held my hands and looked at me and said “this is not your fault. do NOT blame yourself for this”. and then she was asked to leave.

how could i trust someone at the age of 12 who my parents asked to leave?

and from then i took the blame for some things. and then most things. and eventually i was 17 and took the blame for everything.

 

that was then.

 

now i dunno. im beginning to flounder. i feel like im taking steps to fail again. like im self-sabotaging. and i dont know why.

i feel like i have a problem again. i feel kinda down.

im sick at the moment. im sick of being sick. i was sick in december. constantly nauseous. and im sick now. i cant stop coughing. and im so drained. i can never get a good nights sleep. no matter how hard i try. and i keep thinking that maybe its back.

i write on random scraps of paper that i want to kill myself. only i know i dont mean it. but it comes out of me. i start to feel worthless. meaningless. like everyones life would be easier without me.

i just keep thinking im a burden. a big burden. on everyone. emotionally mentally financially. a burden. everything i eat, drink, sleep in, do, its a burden to someone somehow.

ive run out of cash. and ive been putting off calling my dad for some more because the last time i called him, he was putting on some sort of front of care and love right after he told my mum for the third time that he wanted a divorce.

people keep asking me why i dont go home or why i dont talk to my dad or why i just dont care any more…and the reason is im fucking scared. i dont want to go home. im scared of what i might see. what might happen. who might say what. im fucking freaked out. staying here, i can avoid it. so thats what ive been doing.

my question is, if i meant something to anyone, why wouldnt they call me? if i meant anything to my dad other than a financial liability, why wouldnt he call me? so i called him.

every time i call him he berates me for not studying hard enough. this time, i have been. ive been trying my fucking best to study harder. i have facial hair that could rival my boyfriends all in the effort of studying harder. focusing more. being a good girl.

today he shouted at me for not coming home. despite me saying that i was studying and focussing more on that because i have a formative exam in 6 weeks.

studying is no excuse. i should be coming home.

i have to study according to his rules. because he is the almighty genius who knows everything. after him its my brother. then my sister. people who he has supported. people who never failed in life. people who he cared about.

when can i be a good girl? when do i not get shouted at for anything? hen will he be proud of me?

never.

i cant even pick the right guy when he ticks all the boxes.

i called him because yunno what, i havent spoken to him for a month. i called my daddy to find out how he is. i never told him about my tonsillitis. i never told him that my pcos is currently untreatable. i havent given him any of that stress. i just called him.

and he asked me what i wanted.

hindi: “kis cheez ke liye phone kar rahi ab?”

english: what is it that you want that you are calling me for.

true: you are a burden to me.

cos apparantly thats all i do. and what sucks is that im not even trying to please him for him to act like im a disappointment. i dont care. i knew i was disappointment the second my mother told me he never wanted me in the first place. i knew i could never please him anyway. it just would have been easier to deal with if he hadnt faked his concern for me my whole life.

<p style=”text-align: justify; “>its so funny, to him i must be the runt of the family. the kid he wishes wasnt around because his life would have worked out so much simpler. my whole family’s life would have been so much simpler. more money for them. no “middle-child-shit-syndrome” for my sister. well adjusted and simple. maybe my mum would have been happier.

but to the rest of the world, im meant to be this beacon of light in that family. the glue that sticks it together. the precious thing. the one with all the hopes and dreams and happiness. the creativity. the goodness.

ive been made to feel like the black sheep of the family, when actually im all what they had been looking for. i know i dont fit that family. but everyone else thinks im just right. my gp said it, thats what got me thinking…i apparantly make it out that ive become a black sheep…but from the sounds of it im doing everything any parent would want.

i chose to go to medical school.

i chose to be creative and learnt to dance and play instruments and cook.

i chose the right guy.

but its weird. i dont get support.

and the only person who has EVER supported me. drove me to my classes, smiled when i performed, held my hand when i wept for my choices in life, told me to be strong. told me they were proud of me, was my mum.

and they are slowly killing her. they are taking her away from me.

 

its really weird. there was a time when i cried and my tears were normal. then i grew up a little and learnt hurt, and they were fat and thick. and then i got a boyfriend who shows me love, and they became normal. and now, these days, i cant even see through them any more.

i feel like i might need some help again. not medical. just someone to talk to. someone who can help me through these things. someone who can take my burden. i tried to talk to my boyfriend but the phone kept cutting out. i cant figure out what to do with myself.