i know you get me so i let my walls come down down

i’ll start where i left. i didnt like how i ended the last entry. i didnt like how i felt when i ended that last entry.

i went back up. i got into bed. i stared at him for a while. and then i decided i would just take it. i would take the blame. because deep down somewhere i knew it couldnt be true. i knew he couldnt hate me. and i knew my mood was dark and eerie and that i still loved him.

so i just attempted to hug him.

and he cuddled me all night.

i woke up the next morning somewhat confused and blank. i couldnt find the energy to be me any more. i felt broken again.

and he sorted himself out. he hugged me. he kissed me. he asked me how i was feeling. if i was feeling at all better.

i just kinda stayed quiet. and then he got semi-dressed. and then he hugged me again. and he apologised. he apologised massively. and we enjoyed the rest of the day.

i couldnt shake a nagging feeling that something wasnt right.

and then i sifted through my feelings and took account of the fact that he was drunk and half asleep and frustrated.

and then i sifted through my feelings and took account of the fact that i was tired, ill, scared, and frustrated.

 

everything has swiftly moved on since. we have moved on past it. and talked it through. and its forgotten. i think.

no, im sure.

 

we’ve had another argument since. and a few little ones here and there. but i feel good about our relationship. i feel confident. we made it past a year.

after one of the arguments, what helped is when i texted him telling him he had my heart in his hands and to never let it go. and that he had to look after it and that i had given it to him to keep. to never squish it or hurt it and to keep it close to him when i wasnt with him. i think it made him feel somewhat secure. and that made me feel secure.

i think what made us realise how happy we are is that we were talking about his friend. and how he treated his wife so badly and how she never said anything and took it all on the chin. until it turned out she finally got the passport she had applied for and filed for divorce while having an affair. good for her. she shouldnt have cheated, but hey, he deserved it. i wouldnt have been surprised if it turned out he had beaten her and all.

well, i turned to him and said, “so isnt it good that i do fight with you?”.

and for once he said “yes. fighting is healthy. its good. its normal”

and i said “at least it shows i care. i would hate to be that dead inside that i didnt have the voice to stand up for myself. i lived that life, i went through that. i have come along way in 3 years. and although you sometimes think im childish, i cant believe how far ive come. im proud of myself because 3 years ago, i would never have stood up for myself, and i would never have fought for myself. so you should realise how far ive come, and be happy that i do fight you”.

and he said “i know bub, i am proud of you. i love you”.

sometimes i like fighting with him. because it makes me feel alive. on sunday i had a breakthrough. i packed up and left when i got mad at him, and i didnt cry. i came home, got on with stuff, and when i felt calmer, i started to miss him. so i called him and we fought it out, and i didnt cry. and it sorted out. and we had a lovely dinner. but what im glad about is that i didnt cry. i felt strong.

 

 

i know a lot of people have been writing to their 16 year old selves. or to themselves from 5 years ago. or just their awkward years.

i havent felt compelled to. but last night i couldnt sleep. ive been watching the family on channel 4. and theres a girl. a girl who reminds me of myself so much. so much that i wanted to email her somehow.

i wanted to tell her to never change. that she is a bright, beautiful, bubbly girl who should stay true to herself. never compromise yourself or your personality for the sake of others. continue to speak your mind and dont let people bring you down to their level. stay positive about life, stay happy about life, and continue to be as crazy and funny as she is, because it brings joy to people. and people will gravitate towards you because of it. some of them bad, but that she is smart enough to know what is good and bad. to be purely herself.

and its funny. because i am how i used to be when im with ST. i literally have so much joy in my head it just feels like fluffy clouds and la la la.

 

hes gone to india. his dad had a triple bypass operation. apparantly hes recovering at the moment. and it all went well.

but i miss my bub like crazy. really really miss him. hes not just a quick drive away. hes not even a brief phonecall away. hes a missed call and attempted message away. i feel full enough to be sick and completely empty at the same time without him around.

and im not going to say its affecting my uni. in my head i am going in on monday. i know i am. in my head im going to study pathology today. i know i am. in my head i feel exhausted and guilty that im not there. i know i should have.

before he left we spent a lovely afternoon together. i say lovely, i was kinda panicking inside the whole time. i felt very much on the brink of tears the whole time. as soon as i got to him, he pulled me into bed and cuddled me for an hour. he then put teenage dream on and things progressed a little. and after i wept. i really cried. he held me so close and i hugged him and hugged him and wishes i never had to let go. and i thought about how much i was going to miss him and oh great im welling up now and i felt him heart beat against me and i couldnt imagine life without him. and he told me to not be silly but he wiped my tears and hugged me closer if it was possible. and we giggled a little and he felt like he completely and wholly belonged to me.

its strange that writing here feels like a chore these days. but sometimes i feel like i really should empty my brain. declutter. like an occasional spring clean. and i feel a little lighter now.

is that what life is like without depression?

ive also realised that since being back on t

he pill my emotions are much more in check.

i have so much to tell my gp on wednesday. like the fact that ive been too nauseous on the pill. that the migraines are back. but that also i feel so much better in general since being back on. that i feel more positive about life.

but i know he has a lot to tell me. like how my blood test went. and i called the practice. and it turns out they want to talk about my fasting glucose level. which is worrying. worrying me a lot. because why would they want to talk about the fasting glucose? prediabetes. result? wake up call. cure? lose weight. how? personal trainer and dance classes. i need to get my life in check.