and i love the thought of coming home to you

next week will be 8 months. 8 months. how the hell did it get so far without me noticing? thats 2thirds of a year. it hits me now that, that is a frikking long time.

we’ve spent the last month (literally) spending every day with each other. and its been ok…one or two minor disagreements. now that i dont have upsets and random mood swings cos there arent any other stresses in my life..its been him starting the arguments a little. just a little. just a little touchy. just a little moody. here and there. he’ll say something stupid…for no reason..and its not me that acts irrationally.
ive learnt how to deal with it.

8 months already.

ive come a long way.

 

i trust him. i love him. and yet the thought of sex with him still scares me. i never thought i would be like this. i always thought that if i loved someone, if i trusted them, i’d be ok with it. i would do it, and i wouldnt regret it. something still stops me. and i think its my parents. i think its the fact that they dont know him. they dont REALLY know about him. theyve never met him. they havent approved him. and its stopping me. and in a way im glad. because i do want to wait till im married. or as long as possible. im not sure why…i think just because its such a huge step to make. to actually lose your virginity. it IS a big deal. so the longer i can hold it off, the better. i dont NEED sex. yes we do other stuff, yes he fingers me and we do oral sex…but ACTUAL SEX. i dont need it.

part of me also knows that once i have, i will change. forever. not because im making a big deal of nothing, but i know what im like, and given how the last month has been, and how im so much more in love with him that before…i know i will change. i will be as good as married. and i dont want to be. sex is one thing, marriage is another. and i dont want to be that now. im still young. im only 23. i still have at least 3 years to be a little independent.

so why was it so difficult to tell him i wanted a day apart? just for the day. he goes home. i stay at my home. just to reassess. to have a little independence. a little freedom. a little…alone time. im not saying i wouldnt miss him…i would. even if it was just a day. but i know i need it. before it happens. before i freak out and it explodes and we argue again. just a little day.

although knowing me i’d take the day and run with it. i’ll start organising meet ups and whatnot with people. and i need that day to do it. otherwise i forget. i forget i have other friends. and another life. and other people in my life. i completely forget when hes with me. because i dont really need anyone else when hes with me.

but i miss them. i miss the other people. i need a day so that i can catch up with my life. my other life. my actual life. is that mean of me?

he’ll understand. i know hes annoyed about his living situation. and he doesnt really want to be at his home if im not there to keep him company. but its just a day (maybe a couple of days). and he can sleep. like he wants to. eat and sleep and not have to worry about anything.

 

i know i sound like im whinging. or making excuses. or even just too scared to tell him i need some alone time. but its not that. i know if i want it, i will tell him and he will have to deal with it. i just care about him. and i know he doesnt want to be at his place without me. and i imagine that if it were me, id feel kinda lost as well.

kinda like 2 years ago. and how i would feel a bit lost if i didnt have RB to talk to or SS. just a little…ostricised…lonely. and loneliness is the worst feeling. so i know how he would feel if i suddenly tell him i want a little time away.

i have to give him something in return. some plan…someTHING that we can do when i get back to him…when he can come and play again.

 

in other news im kinda pissed off about SK and PS…SK has changed her profile picture to one of her, PS and JH…and very obviously a picture without me from the holiday. even ST noticed it…and it bothered me when he did. there were 4 people on that holiday. maybe shes forgotten that? i know its harmless. i know its just a dumb photo on facebook. but it says so much more to me. ie- why did i even bother going?

they met up on sunday. PS texted me on saturday morning to ask me. i didnt get a chance to reply, and SK had the audacity to call me to ask me if i was coming. now this all seems silly…they must have just made the plans last minute right? WRONG. i know how those girls work.

PS and SK came up with the idea whenever they did. thats not what bothers me. what bothers me is the assumption that a) i must have nothing better to do, so therefore lets not run the day past her, lets just tell her what we’re doing and tell her to come, b) PS then calls SK telling her i havent replied and tells her to find out if i can come or not, c) SK then calls me like shes PS’s bitch, d) she has wondered why i never replied in the first place, cos oh yeah…i dont actually do anything with my life so therefore its odd i never texted her back. and finally e) i cant actually tell them its because im spending time with my boyfriend actually doing stuff on the weekends when hes actually free for the whole day because oh yes, i shouldnt according to her.

so lets back up a little and really explain what bothers me. JUST BECAUSE im on my holidays and dont have a job DOESNT mean i have nothing to do with my life. yes i watch crap on the internet and movies and shit, but they didnt exactly ask me to come out on one of those days…they asked me on the weekend…when yunno, i spend time with people who care about my time.
and for fucks sake, i am SO fucking sorry for having a boyfriend. IM SORRY PS is a whore who slept with 2 guys while on holiday and as a result has taken a hiatus from her relationship. IM SORRY i actually love my boyfriend. im SORRY it bothers you so much that i might actually be happy.

i am sick and tired of people thinking im SAD. yunno what, in new york, I WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED TO GO OUT TO CLUBS. in miami, I WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED TO GET INTO THE SEA AND ENJOY THE SUN. im responsible, so yunno what, i didnt overspend in designer shops and leave no money for myself to do other stuff. i was the one that DIDNT really see the point in going on a one day cruise to the bahamas which cost a couple £100 just so i could sit on a ship for 10 hours. and i was the one that still was up for going out afterwards.
just because you ho about and smoke and go out one night more

than me just so you can get off with some random guy, does NOT make me sad. just because i choose to stay in and sleep so i can go out in the evening rather than go down to the baking hot beach to chase after some guys does not make me sad! JUST BECAUSE i actually wanted to SEE New York and experience all the american stuff i never get to in the UK, does not make me sad. JUST BECAUSE i DONT actually WANT to cheat on my boyfriend in any way, does NOT make me sad.

yunno what SK said to me when i was at hers…”im actually kinda surprised i didnt get annoyed at you…just because you know when you go on holiday and you see a different side to people, im surprised i was ok with you, we were ok innit…i mean i got annoyed at PS, but ive known her for 11 years so thats just whatever”. THANKS FOR THE CONFIDENCE IN OUR FRIENDSHIP SK. THANKS. feels great. oh and by the way, you did get annoyed at me. you got annoyed at me because i missed my boyfriend. you are full of shit.

yunno, despite being in a relationship, i havent actually changed to my friends. im just happier. i still MAKE effort. i still would call her a lot. i would still go and see her. and after this holiday, ive kinda given up. is that sad?

ive just realised a few things. well, a lot of things. i dont want to be around people who make me feel negative about myself. and not just negative about myself, but negative about what im doing and how i am. what is so terrible about being in love with ST?

i get it. i know that one day, he might hurt me. and thats not nice, and i get that my friends dont want anyone to hurt me…but yunno what, thats LOVE. thats relationship. thats life.
what about the way shes hurt me in the past? what about the number of times shes bailed on me as a friend and sided with everyone else around me. what about the times she told me i was a paranoid weirdo? should i have continued the friendship with her then? “well yeah of course because im your friend, i didnt intend to hurt you”. so why would ST intend to hurt me? so why think like that about him?

its hypocrisy and arrogance. its the assumption that i listen to everything and every word that comes out of her. sometimes i see flashes of my sister in SK. just small flashes. like the fact that everyone says shes easy to open up to…that they find themselves just talking about themselves to her..and the fact that she is not modest about it. that she knows it and acts like everyone SHOULD go to her with their problems. complains about being there for everyone but loves it at the same time…feels lost if someone DOESNT go to her…

just glimpses of my sister.

so i keep my distance a little.

i want to spend more time with MN and SN and SL, RS, VSM, PP. CF, good people with good intention and good natures. people that arent out to dictate my life for me.

it was odd, after the massive fight with ST a few weeks ago, i never thought to go to MN…tbh, ive avoided her a little from my problems. i just dont want to burden her. and in that i forgot that she had a relationship. that shes known me the longest and the best. that she really knows me. and going to her was the best decision i ever made. because it felt like family. it felt like how it did with my sister. but i wasnt scared. and i felt warmer. i felt calmer. i felt home. its nice remembering friends. remembering people that you will always love no matter what. its nice knowing that you dont have to be with them constantly to maintain a friendship.

i often wonder who im most worried about meeting ST. i know hes decent though, so i know im not that worried. i worry about him meeting MN. i used to worry about SK…partly because she was arrogant enough to tell me “if hes worried about me meeting me then i know he’s a good person..he has nothing to worry about..”. and i used to think it was beacuse he should be a little worried about meeting my friends…but i realise that he shouldnt worry about meeting anyone. only my parents. because making me deems respect. knowing me for 4 years and not having any confidence in the friendship DOESNT deem his respect. knowing me for 10 years and caring about ME does. im a little worried about him meeting SN. but im more worried about him meeting MN. simply because she gets it. she understands me, she understands relationships, and she understands life. she just gets it.