woodlice

what is it about birthdays that brings back the past?

people crawl out of the woodwork to remind you they exist.

i got a message from my sister last night. something along the lines of “happy birthday in advance, and hope your exam went well. if you would like anything, i would like to know”. i sometimes wonder how im supposed to accept whats happened and move on when she keeps dropping “reminders of love”. like they really mean anything any more. what i would really like? her to leave my mum alone. to leave me alone. to stop hassling everyone and stop playing mind games. to sort herself out and just STOP. so really, would she like to know all that?

RBk emailed me. now i cant figure out several things. it was brief “happy birthday PM, hope u have a great day”. fine, im glad it was only that. but hold on…its a day early. is this message sent in advance? or did he get the date wrong? the irony of him trying to spark a flint in me, and its deep meaning lost because he didnt remember its the 13th.
whats getting at my conscious is..well…almost 6 months on, hes still thinking about me. whether on a whim of a “oh yeah…her…” or “this is my chance to contact her”…either way, hes thinking about me.

and it creeps me out. all of it does. the idea of some randon guy sitting in the middle of the world thinking about ME. its the guilt thats getting to me. the same guilt that makes me wonder if ive been too harsh after telling a jerk to fuck off. its that guilt.

its funny, after JAB, the thought of him sometimes made me smile. the thought of RBk doesnt. at all. and yeah i wonder a lot. i sometimes wonder now if i really could have waited. i sometimes wonder now if i would be half as happy as i am with ST.

and then i look at ST. and i realise that no one could or would love me more than he does. and i know that because he gets that look when hes so fascinated by me. its like a smile. and he’ll ask me why i love him. and i know hes wondering how someone as beautiful as me could be with me. and i know this because its how i feel about him.

and i switch. and i start wondering. i start wondering if hes thinking “what are the chances id end up with someone as amazing as you…how did it happen…im so lucky”. and i know this because its how i think about him.

there is nothing more incredible than sleeping next to him. i fell deep into sleep in his arms last night. right after he stopped my panic attack of guilt right in its tracks.

lets see who else comes out to play.