moping, coping, hoping.

i have my exam on tuesday. tomorrow i have jury duty. and even though im excited about going, i could do with the extra time to revise. im totally unprepared…but its ok. cos the questions repeat. hopefully i’ll be able to run through each question at least once so im prepared for tuesday afternoon.

chances are i wont.

i dont know what has gotten into me this year. a distinct laziness and ease to be distracted. i just have no motivation.

i need a kick in the backside for next year. i dont know how to get one though. failing doesnt seem to have done anything for me this year. maybe once i get into the routine of going to uni every day…?

i have been stewing a lot this weekend. im getting fed up. i need to start exercising. i need to revise harder. i want to read some books. i want to BE A BETTER PERSON.

i was looking at a picture of mum and dad yesterday. it made me sad. they used to be ok. maybe not happy, but ok. they had reason to hold on. its not really the case any more…

i hope i dont end up like that. i hope that if and when i marry ST we do it for the right reasons, we stay together for love of each other. not for the sake of a marriage.

after the last big fight, we havent really fought at all. hes said a couple things that ive got silly and sensitive about, but they ironed out quickly.

we’re kinda odd. theres no pattern that describes why we get upset with each other. we spent the whole of bank holiday weekend fine, and i havent seen him since, and i miss him like crazy, but its ok….im handling it…and in some ways, i think it would be worse if i was seeing him. i think the time we spent together would start to get on top of us. i think that we would end up arguing. i think we’d be too into each other and not aware of the outside world.

its him thats being the strong one this time. its him thats telling me that i have to study, and that i only need to hold out a couple more days. i like this side of him. i dont remember why or when it changed. maybe he noticed the change in me once my deadline was out of the way?

im finally understanding the sort of support i need when i study. no pressure, no telling me what i ought to do or should do. just a gentle nudge. just someone to tell me the end is near, and that i can do it. just someone to tell me to focus, to tell me to stay calm, to keep me on track.

and hes doing it. hes doing it amazingly. he starts getting guilty whenever he calls, and i tell him its ok and that he shouldnt, even though, he kinda should, hes a massive distraction, but he sticks to what he says, and he justifies the fact that there is no rush, that there will be plenty of time once this exam is out of the way.

so what is taking me so long to get into the work? why cant i seem to focus? why do i keep flitting?

it must be pure laziness.

its at times like this, when i can admit to my own massive flaw, that i am lazy, and i dont feel guilty, ashamed, upset, like i should punish myself, its these times when i know im on the road to cure. i know im getting better. i am not too proud too scared. i am learning myself. i am LAZY. and i need to change. but i dont feel bad about it. concern? yes..im running out of time, and if i had made this discovery a couple months ago, AWESOME. but im only adjusting and knowing it now. but i suppose it puts me in good stead for next year right?

i can hope.

i am planning total activity this whole summer. i have june, july, august to SORT MYSELF OUT. to lose weight. to get focussed. to travel. to be who i want to be, and not be who i have to be.

to be who i want to be and not who i have to be. thats an interesting phrase. im adjusting to being who i am at the moment. but in that im realising that its who i want to be. its just who i am for the moment. which is fine, i make do with it, i have fun with what i got. but i could be so much better. so much happier. so much more ME if i wanted to be her.

i have to start striving for perfection.

project “perfect me”. project PM.

i need to make some achievable goals for the end of this year i hope…

1) lose weight. seriously lose weight. get down to a size 12-14 at least.

2) learn to read. learn to focus.

3) give up being moody.

4) wake up earlier. sleep better.

 

i make these lists all the time…but maybe this time i can actually do it? maybe this time i can actually achieve it. the lose weight one is definitely coming into action though.

i need to do what ST did. he basically went on a crash diet, padded out with hitting the gym, and is now building his muscle strength back and back to normal eating..i dont want the muscle stuff. but i can crash diet, gym and carry on gyming with a normal diet. not a BAD diet. a normal diet.

is it worth it? probably not. will i manage it? probably not. can i try it? i guess?

we’ll see. tomorrow is only 2 hours away, and chances are i’ll forget.

the other problem i have is making these lists at a time of night where i know that by the following morning i will forget.