round round baby round round spend the night on me

here it is, full circle.

its coming up to a year since i cut her out of my life, but AM has seeped back in.

its SK’s birthday today, and she has organised a birthday dinner. what i hadnt noticed initially was that she invited AM. and wham, memories of it all flood me.

i unblocked her. i need to know if she decides to turn up tonight. i need to be prepared.

im fucking freaked. in my head i just want to crawl back into bed. i just want to cover myself up and forget. forget everything.

i wish i could forget memories. wipe them from my mind so they dont trouble me any more. white light.

i dont want to see her. i shouldnt have clicked on her profile but i did. and suddenly i see shes been all over my friends. all over SK. all over SSj. everywhere. shes commented on stuff i commented on, shes liked the same stuff i have.

i digged deeper. i dont know why i did it. this was exactly why i blocked her from facebook. so i wouldnt know. but i couldnt help it. and i dug deeper. she met with SK and SSj in september. something they planned for a week or so. something they planned before SSj hit ground from pakistan.

I did the same with SSj, i told her to call me when she was in town. that i wanted to see her given how little i managed to see her before she left.

SSj never called me. never text me.

but they all met up.

i remember SK complaining about how little SSj met up with her blah blah blah. BULLSHIT. she had time to meet up with AM.

but not me.

i email SSj telling her i have a boyfriend, and she responds 2 weeks later after i directly contact her, saying her internet was fucking up that day so she never managed to respond…what about the rest of the fortnight?

so there we go. another failed friend. another person i gave a lot to, and never got anything back from.

i still remember when i got annoyed at AM, i still remember when SSj defended her. so i know that its something that was talked about. i know im someone SSj avoids on purpose. i know that she chose a side, and pretends not to have.

what infuriates me the most is that AM used me. she went through me to gain all these amazing friends of hers she has. and they fucked off and left me high and dry and alone. they defended her. the would rather meet up with her. she is the preference, im the consolation prize.

just like she did with my sister.

why do i always end up being the one that loses friends? why do i seem to be the one that people push away? why am i so disposable?

RB dropped me. SSj. all these people once loved me for me. these people would laugh at my jokes and seek my help and comfort.

and then they would drop me. they would defriend me. and i would end up making effort for nothing. and get nothing in return. and its me who gets hurt.

i cant trust anyone. and i know they say you shouldnt, but i really cant even begin to try to trust anyone. what evidence do i have to trust anyone. look at where my life has taken me…

im sick of people telling me i have a good life, that i am lucky, that i should be happy.

i look at people. normal people. who dont have to deal with this curse of “rich parents”. and they get to be so normal. their lives get to be so uncomplicated. they have nothing to worry about that isnt already in their control. no prejudice. no jealousy. no constant reminders of what theyre economically worth. why do people have to judge me based on that. i wear clothes from primark. in fact, my current outfit is primark. i could be a representative for primark right now. and yet people have to assume that i must be a fucking rich bitch with clothes from gucci and prada and bullshit like that.

im a normal person. im a normal girl. i want to be treated normally. im tired of being so fucking emotionally scarred. and not only am i normal, im a good person.

so why does everyones go around come back around on me? why am i losing all my friends? why am i the one thats a mess? why do i have a fucked mind and inability to trust? im tired of talking about it, finding ways to change myself to be otherwise. why cant society accept me as a deep thinker with emotions?

everything that happens in my life is influenced entirely by how i choose to react to it.

i get that. i get it. i understand it entirely. but why am i given situations to react to?

i lose my friends because they actively decide to choose others over me. even when i dont push them away. so how am i supposed to change that? what am i supposed to do in my power to change it?

this whole saga with my sister…i cant change her. i can wish and hope for her to change and realise how wrong shes been to me. i can wish and hope she might understand why i am the way i am. why i refuse to let her run and ruin my life. i can wish she might stop thinking she needs to compete with me. but what does that achieve? she doesnt change. she wont ever realise these things.

i can wish for a normal life. with a normal family. consisting of love and happiness, honesty and support, devoid of politics and mind games, money and jealousy.

but i will never get it. i can only create it for myself. and i have. and im changing. im changing so much. i read about people moving places and being happy living on their own. i can be that person. i can be the girl that has a flat in the city and cash in her pocket and happy living alone with a boyfriend who comes to visit. i could easily fill that role.

only its not my flat. and its not my cash in my pocket. my boyfriend secretly comes over without my parents knowledge. and i get lonely when hes not here.

truth be told, i just want to be free. i want to stop feeling so suffocated. i want to be able to live my own life without other people telling me how i should do it. and thats not saying i want my parents to fuck off. i love them. i need them. but for support. i need them to be..well, nurturing parents. not telling me what to do and what not to do. who to marry who not to marry. who to talk to who not to talk to. i need them to guide me. by letting me find my own way. i want to be able to earn my own cash and not feel indebted to anyone.

i sometimes just

want to pack my bags and go. far from here. just go to another place in the country, buy a small cosy place. and just live there. get a job and a mediocre salary, and just be a normal person. without the bullshit. no people i dont like, no people who hassle me, no worries about running into someone from my past. just a simple life. 9 to 5.

there is no joy in coming from wealth. and wealth doesnt mean a good background. my dad is crooked, and my family in general is warped. i just want out.