i cant see me lovin’ nobody but you

everything is good. everything is settled. i feel at peace.

we had another argument yesterday. but it blew over. and we sorted it. it is out of my mind. although im sure i learnt a lot from it. about him, about me. im not ready to think about it in depth. and as far as i am concerned, i am happy.

ST and i had an awesome day today. we started the morning slowly. i was meant to go to uni, but i skipped..not sure why, i really shouldnt have. i think just because the way it started was how i wanted yesterday to start. i had been craving this morning for a while.

so we started the morning slowly. i stirred a little here, a little there. i opened my eyes slowly and saw his big brown eyes looking into mine. it didnt scare me like i thought it might. i felt comforted. he DOES watch me while i sleep 🙂

he kissed me a little. i kissed him a little. i fixed my position this way, he fixed his that way. eventually we started talking, eventually the light seeping through the cracks between my closed curtains got the better of us and we woke up. we got a little hot and heavy. he began touching me and kissing me here there and everywhere. it felt sooo good. but i just couldnt get passed a certain level, and so it amounted to nothing. i feel guilty, im so sure he loves making me cum. but hes told me he loves how much i enjoy the road to our destination. so i dont mind so much.

i sometimes worry about my future sex drive or lack thereof. it takes a lot of effort to get me to my climax. and ive never managed it without clitoral stimulation. so i worry. i worry if sex alone will be enough. i so want it to be. but i think i went the other way with my masterbation. it feels odd and very worrying to actually admit i masterbate. but from reading magazines, and what we learn in school “its normal”.

so yes. i masterbate. i have done for about 10 years now. it started when i was young and i would simply…”explore” myself. it was scary. i never knew what i was touching. pee and period came out the same place as far as i knew. (the anatomy of the vagina was limited when we learnt about menstruation. we knew what the vagina was. we knew what the bladder and urethra were. how the two were associated with each other was completely unfathomable to me. i thought they were the same). so when i started, i didnt know what i was doing.

i knew what i knew from tv. what i knew from reading magazines. from playground chat. i had already started my period at a young age. and no one had ever described what sexual desire meant. i only knew it was wrong. and dirty. and embarrassing.

so i was always scared to do it. i remember when i first found my clit. that was freaking scary. as a result of flicking it by accident, my knees buckled and my legs shook like crazy. i thought it was painful initially, but on closer inspection, i realised it wasnt pain i was feeling. it was like…like sherbert on your tongue. sharp and sweet and made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on edge all at once.

eventually after fiddling so i could guage what was too much and what was not good enough, i started realising what felt good. what part of my area to massage so that it felt GOOD. i dont remember my first orgasm. i do know that i never thought it was an orgasm. i assumed that although it was explosive, that it felt good, it cant have been one cos i wasnt wet. i simply assumed my body was tired. i assumed my body was automatically shutting down. like a lamp burning too hard and fusing.

i remember the first time i got wet. i was so confused. i hadnt done anything different. i didnt really understand where the wet was coming from either. thats when i started exploring the actual vagina. and i realised that it was not where pee came from.

eventually i became accostamed to the idea that this was masterbation. that this was wrong. that this was a shameful thing to do. i would be so careful about doing it. it had to be at night. i had to make sure everyone was asleep. that i didnt peep a sound. that the bed didnt move. i would think of all sorts of stuff. mainly just me and some guy. some guy that wanted me. sometimes just the build up to sex would be enough.

my first boyfriend was the one that really got me to explore myself. it was when i started going out with him that i started putting fingers in. so…for over 5 years, i started masterbating with just clitoral massage.

what ST does is amazing. it feels sooooo damn good. i enjoy it so much. but after a while it starts to feel like its made its point. like i need to up a level. like i need to get a little closer. and i will start massaging my clit, and soon i get that feeling. the reason i reckon everyone is so crazy about sex. that build up to climax. that build up which is so much better than climax. that build up that makes me pull his hair and push my tongue into his mouth and makes me want him to hold me tight and fuck me hard. thats the best part. the climax for me….its an anticlimax to that. its the build up. the tease. the almost but not quite. and if it lasts long enough, then so does the orgasm. he’ll keep moving his fingers, i keep moving mine. and it will happen wave after wave after wave. sometimes its so strong i need him to stop cos its too painful. sometimes it goes on for ages and i get sad when i feel the orgasm thinning out.

but the best part of everything is right afterwards. when he holds me close to him. when i hear him whisper that he loves me. when he kisses me and all the warmth in my body seeps into that kiss and i wish that i was closer to him as i cling on to him for dear life. the feeling of the cool duvet coming over my hot body and encasing me with him. feeling protected and warm and comfy and in love. thats what makes it all worth it. what makes the dry throat and tense body and aching muscles worth it. just being able to hold him to me.

but i worry. i worry that sex wont be for me. i hope i surprise myself. i hope that it does. and that we are awesome in bed together. i hope im enough for him.

after the intimacy we got out of bed. played around for a bit on the computer, and then we decided to head to drop him back home. we went and had some nandos. and then parked a little outside of his house and sat for a good hour or so just messing around. kissing and laughing and joking. and its those times when i know im going to miss him the most. when we’re having so much fun together, that i cant bear to be separated from him.

we were talking about our future kids. i know im nowhere near ready to start raising any, but i like talking to him about it. we can joke about it. and it feels nice. its nice knowing we can air out the stupid details so we dont get it wrong when they do come.
i bought some of my favourite books in a plight to start constructing my library. i

want to build a library for my kids. so that they have a load of books they can pick from and read when they get bored. i want my kids to be like matilda. another of my faves which i need to collect.

i have a load of books at home that will come with me. the whole lemony snickets series, the whole harry potter series, some tony parsons, some vikram seth. school english books i studied with all my notes still in the margins. some books i regretted reading.

i have some here. including some books i never got round to finishing. i find with books that i can only read certain books at certain points in my life. sometimes they wont grip me like they would or could another time.

i still need to finish “we need to talk about kevin” and “the wasted vigil”. the former having complex english language, i sometimes found it hard deciphering what the author was talking about. the latter being so beautiful and moving, i found it too much to cope with given my then mental state.

i picked up “the catcher in the rye”, “lord of the flies”, “life of pi”, “the curious incident of the dog in the night time”, and “the white tiger”.

All classic books. all books i love. all books i love and didnt own a copy of. i never managed to finish the curious incident. my sister gave the book away when i was half way through. i studied lord of the flies in english in year 9. life of pi is my all time favourite book ever. i want to re-read it. its been about 5 years since i have. the white tiger was recommended to me.

i still want to put “the god of small things” into my collection, “memoirs of a geisha”, “the kite runner”.

i just want to build up this fabulous collection of classic books that i can read to my kids. that my kids can read for themselves. the kind of books that become so old and mottled that the spines become creased and there are food stains amongst the pages. i want them to be loved.

ST told me he doesnt read. i want to convert him. i want to convert myself. i miss reading for pleasure. i only seem to manage to do it while on holiday. NOT this year.
i will definitely get him reading one book at least. if only to broaden his mind and make him realise that a persons mind can stretch further than you think.

ST. i really do love him. he has become one of my bestest friends.

he knows me. he knows me too well. we had the argument yesterday just as he was leaving on stairs by the lift at my flat. i stormed off up to mine in the midst of a panic attack. i waited at my place. i waited a good ten minutes. i had hoped he would follow me. but he hadnt. and my panic attack grew worse. he will never know what i was like when i came back to my flat for those ten minutes. i was panting like crazy. literally gasping for air. eventually it calmed a little. he hadnt come back up. so i grabbed my keys and phone. i decided in that instant that if he had actually left, then i would drive to his place. he was dead meat if he had left. when i got downstairs to the steps, i saw him still sitting there. staring at his phone.

after the argument i told him i was ready to kill him. that if he had left it might have been the end of us. he said he knew. that he literally thought “shit, if i leave now, she will kill me. just wait for her to come back down, i know she will”. he knew. he knew i would come back. how did he know me so well? how come i did what he predicted?

so hes my best friend. because i can have these blazing rows with him, and tell him i love him like crazy ten minutes later.

the flowers he got for valentines day are still alive. i take it as a good sign. they are even beginning to bud new flowers and leaves. i said it was a good sign. that they were like our love. growing and having babies.

he told me he loved me more than ever now, than he ever has.