how many Dr’s does it take to change a lightbulb?

there is nothing in my mind troubling me persay. nothing that cant be sorted by me talking to ST.

i need to keep on top of this diary. i dont want to end up rotting from the inside out again.

something clicked today. when ST was talking to me. i got upset because yet again my mother fails to understand that i cant and wont see my sister. instead of just understanding and moving on, she decided today she wanted to be selfish jealous mother because it wasnt her birthday, it was dads. i can sometimes trace my sister’s behaviours to my mum. the childish conniving one. only she has the political abilities of my dad. and combined it makes her an entirely evil bitch.

ST. he said something. it wasnt the bit about how im the youngest and i need to understand my parents will never listen to me seriously because of it. i knew that. it was partly when he confirmed that instead of looking to my parents for support, i could always go to him, no matter what. it was the mainly the part when he was telling me how my sister is supposedly playing a game, and i should play the game back. i should give my parents what they want. be the bitch. when they say “well fine, do what you want” i say, yeah, i will do what i want.

to become ziddi. stubborn and selfish.

and the bit which made me fall in love with him some more…”if you’re sister is playing this game, you should play it back…but bubby, i know you, and you’re not that type of person”.

the number of people, my own mother, that have told me to play the game. the game of upmanship. where you screw the other over to get more favour. to be sly. to have something over someone else. i have said it then, and i say it now, i know it now, i just cant. i just dont know how to. im too honest. i have too much of a conscience. i cant go around telling people i love someone and treat them like shit. I am who i say i am. and i like who i like. i dont like who i dont like. theres no 2 ways about it.

i just dont know how to be fake.

and now when i write it down it sounds like one of those answers in an interview when asked “what are your worst attributes?”…oh…i care TOO much…im TOO precise with everything i do…

those positive negatives.

i know my negatives though. i perfectionise everything. to the extent that my need for perfection, which isnt being fulfilled by work, and notes and writing things up either because i dont have that sort of work, or because i use the computer….my need for perfection is detrimental. im looking for it in me. im striving to fix everything there is wrong about me. i want to punish myself deeply for making tiny mistakes. its not positive. there is nothing good about being a perfectionist. its borderline OCD. but its OCD of my personality.

im losing my control and handle on situations. and i need to reign it back in. only i dont know how.

it surprised me when ST told me that. that i wasnt that type of person. i was about to say it to him myself, and he said it just as my lips began moving.

i keep having these internal battles. my mother calls me and tells me off for not going home for her selfish needs. the old me. the depressed me, feels guilt. remose. sadness. upset. how can i treat my own mother this way just because i dont get on with my sister?
but the fighting me…i wonder, why the fuck cant i get a break? why cant i deserve a little understanding? why CANT i never have to see her again? why SHOULD i have to deal with her and suffer just so my mum can feel happy?

why should i suffer and sacrifice my happiness for her?

and i start getting angry. cos i dont know where to turn. i know im doing the right thing by removing my sister from my life completely. i have to. its taken me almost 2 years to understand that i cant let her swan into my life and do what she wants. that i have to keep myself away and do whatever necessary to make sure im happy.

so why the fuck cant my own mother just understand?

how far does it have to go before she does? do i have to throw myself under a train?

ST talked me through this. he calmed me. but part of me dies a little inside when my parents act this way with me. when they start demanding me to be a certain way and do certain things just to make them happy. part of my heart falls apart knowing that my parents are truly more concerned about their “idea” of happiness, rather than mine.

and what if i did go home? they honestly think it would be happy families? that everyone would sit and laugh and joke and have fun together? and then there would be a fight. and then there would be shouting…”why cant you all just stop fighting? what was the point in coming if you were only going to fight?”

yes. right. see my point. what IS the point? WHAT is the point of me going home, just so my sister can find some fault in me so she can start a fight?

yunno i never wrote about it, when i went home, and my sister arrived home from work before i had left..i didnt see her. i didnt hear her. or talk to her. i packed my things and started to leave. my mother insisted i do this and take that and eat those. i told her no. i told her i was late. i told her i had to go. what broke my heart. what made me realise my mother doesnt give a shit about anything thats happened to me…”say hello to your sister before you leave, otherwise she will feel bad.”

she will feel bad. SHE will feel bad. poor sister. poor poor sister. lets all worry about her feeling bad because i refuse to talk to her. poor girl. how sad, her sister wont talk to her.

did anyone, EVER say to her “dont shout at your sister, she will feel bad”.

did anyone say “dont make her cry, she will feel bad”.

did anyone think “dont emotionally abuse her, otherwise she might end up with depression, almost on meds, and making grooves on her left thigh”.

did anyone care “dont hurt her, otherwise she might contemplate killing herself”.

poor sister. we dont want her to “feel bad” that i came home and didnt talk to her. how sad. im SUCH a bitch, that i didnt say hello to the girl that made me want to end life. that made me want to rip my skin off. that made me want to throw myself off a tall building just so my head would stop thinking.

these doctors. these fully qualified working doctors in my family.

and not one picked u

p on my depression.

not one questioned my inability to sleep at appropriate times, my mood swings, constant crying, quietness, eating habits, panic attacks, inability to control spirals. no one said anything when i told them i felt lonely. no one helped me when i begged them for it.

4 qualified doctors.

im not going to be one of those. theres something in me i know, that makes me different to them all. i dont know who or why or how, but someone blessed me with something which means i dont see things the way they do.  when i see myself as a doctor, theres something that feels right. like my patients will love me. i already have 2 patients lol. SS and mums helper. maybe it helps that im honest? or rather as honest as i can be. i try not to judge, perhaps because im not entirely sure i know how to without reason. i will listen to my children. when they feel down i will hold them and let them cry in my arms. i will never tell them to stop. never tell them i cant listen any more. never push them away. never let them feel lonely.

i keep talking to ST about our kids. i dont know why. im not any where near ready, but im excited. hes going to be amazing. i know he will. i want really awesome kids. like his niece. i was talking about our daughter. how i wanted her to be a bit bitchy and witty and clever. someone i could joke around with. that girl that everyone can go to. and i will be her strength. i want her to be like how i used to be. how i sometimes can be. me. but she will never end up alone. because i will love her so much. i already love her. no one can love her as much as i do. ayanna. i think with ST as her dad, she will turn out to be a bit feisty. i can imagine her fighting with him a fair bit. but i imagine that theyd be stupid fights. and i imagine that they would just start laughing half way through. kinda like how he is with me.
we both think our kids will look like him. sadly for her. i hope she looks like me. a smaller prettier me. like how i used to be before the PCOS. the boys on the other hand. oh my god will they be hot. they will seriously be too handsome. i think we will have a girl first. and then a couple of boys. i dont know why. lol the last boy will be a mistake right? a planned one.

i cant wait for it all. that settled happy life. but i know im not ready for it. i know its not time. just that its right.

today he hugged me. he gave me that hug that was just perfect. and he said “how come it feels so right…we just sort of fit”. and we do. we totally do. our bodies just…match. although i think im too fat. we just go together. i want to lose weight for him. i want to be skinny for him. i want him to be able to walk down the street and be able to feel like everyones looking. i know he already feels like it. i know he thinks i am. but i dont know it. i dont think it. i want to be sure that he feels proud to have me.

ive not been trying to lose weight. i sort of just stopped again. im not sure why. i was enjoying getting back into swimming. i need to start again. im always so tired when i get back from uni though. i wonder if its worth keeping a gym bag in my car and going straight to the gym when i get back? i hate the gym. i never lose weight. but i ought to start going. i can gym and swim alternately. and then eventually start back on the dance classes. im thinking of choreographing something next year. i havent decided yet. i should have really done it this year. but i need to pick the right song. the song which makes me think of performing. that makes me visualise.
but yes, gym and swim. hopefully it will sort my back out too.
and then once im on the metformin, even better.

i just hope this motivation lasts me till saturday at least. thats when i start. i think saturday and sunday will be gym AND swim days.
monday, thursday and friday can be gym. tuesday and wednesday swim.

although i ought to mix it up more often than that. but saturday and sunday definitely try both. if not both, then at least a double session of one.

bedtime.

goodnight.