sweet dreams are made of these

i have successfully spent the last 3 days in bed. partially through exhaustion. partially cos i got a cold.

since passing my driving test i have been here, there and everywhere. im tired of driving. i only wish it didnt get so boring. i need company. or the radio. something to keep my mind from turning to fat mush.

i havent written for a while. im glad ive been prompted to do so. otherwise i fall into that trap again. the one where i dont write, and i know i should. i need to write. otherwise it all gets bottled up, swallowed and resurfaces later on.

thankfully the awful week of fighting with ST died down. and now im left with this dreaded feeling of guilt. he almost broke up with me. he said the words “maybe this isnt going to work”. it all sorted. it was one of those emotional fights you see on tv. where the woman and man sit in silence while she weeps and he looks at his feet. it resolved. thank god. i love that man. i dont want him to go. so far, he has been the single best thing that has happened in the last year or so. my life has changed.

and its funny, although my life has changed, i havent. ive only grown stronger.

ive been catching up with friends recently. i feel like im getting on top of things again. like the last 2 years have been cleaned from my slate. i spoke to KK on the phone. it had been a while. talking to him really made me feel like who i was back in first year. im so glad he called. i told him about ST, and out of nowhere he said “i dont know why, but im so happy for you”. followed by “you seem so much happier talking to you tonight”. i asked him why, he explained that the last few times he’d seen me, i always just seemed kinda moody or down. but hearing me now, it was obvious i was happier.

compliments from KK are rare. i figured they must have been true. he seemed surprised at how happy he was for me. is that weird? why would he be surprised?

curiously, ive realised i do this thing, when i phase out, if ive been playing computer games (which i have cos im sad) i start imaging the game in my head. i wonder if thats a psych thing of some sort?

im pretty much back on to the social scene these days. and it almost scares me.

the firm came over a couple weeks ago, and we ended up having an awesome mini flatparty. following my birthday last year, i have successfully organised at least 2 awesome nights out. where everyone has ended up hammered, happy, and anticipatory of the next. i should have been a party planner.

just small little snippets of life are beginning to explain to me, that maybe, just maybe, i am a good person?

i still feel im a bad person. it still comes out when something happens. i catastrophise small mistakes i make. and this is whats causing me to want to punish myself. i am bree vandekamp from desperate housewives.

this whole punishing thing, its all very new to me and i dont really know how else to deal with it, other than the thought of cutting myself. this is not something i covered in therapy.

before everything i did was wrong. even when i hadnt done something. so i knew any move i made, was wrong. it was something i took upon myself. now, having eliminated the one major source telling me i was doing something wrong, its harder to draw the line.

now when i make actual mistakes, i have ended up having to try to search why ive done it. and more often than not its self-sabotage. which results in me wanting to punish myself. which in itself is self-sabotage. the circle of death begins again.

if i ever DID do anything wrong when i was younger, there was always someone there to reprimand me. i would weep. they would pat me on the back and tell me theyd make it better. it would be ok. the emotionally abusive cycle my sister would create for me. and now for some reason, when everything is going well in my life, i seem to crave it.

my moral compass is set too strong. tiny glitches make me want to reach for the nearest sharp object. and i know its not healthy.
so when i have fights with ST, and im in the wrong, i will cry. and he tells me i dont need to. that theres nothing to feel guilty about. that he doesnt care. but it doesnt rid me of my guilt. that guilt that makes me want to set him free. that feeling that im becoming a burden. eventually i keep searching. searching for the reason i did what i did. i explain it. not that he cares. and he hears me out. pre-accepts, and i sleep.

during the week of hell, i lost a little faith in him. something which i didnt realise until it came up again. when he almost broke up with me, when he almost bailed, i let go of the rope for a second. the rope that was helping him climb the wall. the one i was helping him with to get to know me. it slipped from my fingers as i reached to protect my heart.

now that ive started writing, there is a lot i need to open up about. stuff that im not dealing with directly. stuff i assume to be minor.

ST had his tooth pulled out yesterday. i had no preparation for it. i didnt know it was eminent. and now its freaked me out. i havent seen him since, but im scared. and a little pissed off. but i dont know how to control it. because its not that big a deal, and everythings done is done, there is no point in saying “i told you so”. but for fucks sake, why do guys do that?

why didnt he just fucking listen to me in the first place? when this fucking toothache started almost 2 months ago, why didnt he fucking go to the dentist then? when he realised he had a cavity he should have dont something the fuck about it. and now hes lost a molar, which is gonna cost a lot to replace. and its just wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

the amount of money and time and energy and pills wasted, when he should have sorted it out in the first place. prevention is better than the cure. as a medic, whats hes done has really pissed me off. as a medic, i have always always always believed that a problem should be sorted before it gets to that point of no return. i never understood why patients leave it till pus is dripping from wounds or until blood is pouring out of them, or until the smell is so bad that the funk has to be quarantined. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. and now, this guy that im dating, has lost a tooth at the age of 26, because he didnt fucking sort it out when it started.
and will this have taught him a lesson? how not to leave things? probably not. cos men are fucking stupid when it comes to health. they would rather not spend a bit of money now, rather than later. they would rather have their testosterone fix it, because thats what men do. they rub a bit of testosterone on their w

ounds and cuts and bruises and it all magically disappears.

on top of all that. teeth on a guy are so important to me. so so soooo important. i hate my own teeth. my teeth are gross. yes there are no cavities, and theyre as white as i could get them with whitening toothpaste, but they are otherwise non existant. cant be seen unless studied. they dont show when i smile or laugh. and i just look strange.
probably for that reason, its the first thing i notice in a guy. and now hes missing one.
and its upset me. more than i thought it might. it makes me nervous. i would be tempted to ask him to not see me until he sorts it out and gets it replaced. is that too harsh?

but all this, it makes me wonder a little. was it due to stupidity or macho that he didnt get it sorted out? a lack of common sense or a craving to be brave?

i pray to god it was the latter. otherwise that really might just piss me off more than i am already.

it seems like such a trivial thing. but its not. its a whole tooth. its the fundamental part of survival. without teeth, we could not chew, without chew we could not eat. and without eat there is no food. and without food we would die. eventually. in about 40 days or something.

and if its a lack in common sense, then, well, that doesnt really say much with regards to how much there is in total. what about when we have kids and they need to go for dental check ups every 6months? will he refuse to take them because “if it aint broke dont fix it”?

how can someone go about life and not worry about self hygiene? and these are pretty much hygiene issues. washing ur clothes after wearing them 3 times makes you as hygienic as washing ur hands only when youve been to the bathroom 3 times. it doesnt make you clean.

a guy who doesnt groom himself is a massive turn off. seriously huge turn off. infact, it would seem to have made me angry.

fine, fart and poo and masterbate all that you want. but at least cut ur nails and floss ur teeth.

 

TP wants to meet up for dinner. shes a scary one. sometimes i like her. she was fine at her birthday. because she was being herself. but the thing about these intimate 3 person dinners is that it means you have to talk. and to talk means you have to update. and i dont want to tell her that i have a boyfriend. TP is a competitive person who once tried to basically steal my personality. she will be jealous. and i cant be dealing with that drama. its boring. and annoying. dinner will be interesting to say the least. unless SL has already told her, in which case there will be questions flying at me from all over the place. undoubtedly she will ask me how my lovelife is going, and i need to come up with some means of answering that question without lieing about ST. “its good…i joined shaadi.com to see whats out there”. i suppose that works? right?

MR apparantly wants to meet for a dinner as well. wtf. why are they all on me all of a sudden? i do not like that boy. and yet again. just another person who i will have to find conversation topic with.

is it possible to have become so elusive and forgotten, that people want to know me again?

maybe i shouldnt be so cynical, and just look forward to it. and if i cant find anything to talk about, then so be it. they are just friends that are simply not to be.

 

ive booked up a holiday in june to go to new york and miami with SK, PS, and JH. no doubt the 2 new ones will crop again more often in due course. im pretty excited about it. hotels and flights booked. just time to partaaaayyy!!!

im still trying to figure out where to go in july and august. it might be worth going away travelling from july to august? where toooo? ive been brazil. everyone i know has already gone to thailand. i could finally do the tour around india ive been wanting to do for the past couple years?

i shall speak with mon pere.