home away from home

its been ages since i wrote here. and i dont want to lose the habit just cos im happier these days.

although having said that, theres very little in my life that i harbour in my head that i cant tell anyone. which i suppose was the initial reason i got the diary.

things are going well with ST. very well. the other night when he came to stay over we had a very heated moment and he ended up making my orgasm again. he really does know what hes doing now. i mentioned that initially he was a bit rough, and that now hes really slowed it down and got my pace and all correct. i asked him what made him change. apparantly i was a lot more directive than i realised. i also seem not to remember much of what i say when im “in the heat of the moment”. im so glad i can tell him what i do or dont like without him getting upset. he aims to please and he knows exactly how hes doing it.

i had an exam on monday. it was ok. but knowing my luck, i probably only just scraped if im at all lucky.

tomorrows exam is a guaranteed fail. its 5pm and i havent done any revision siiince…like 10am yesterday morning. brilliant. ive spent my day wathing crap on the internet and funny videos on youtube.

it still hasnt officially sunk in that i have a boyfriend. i keep catching myself daydreaming about it all. im one of those girls with a boyfriend. thats me. one of them.

he made my knees almost give way the other day. sometimes i sort of feel it when im busy doing something else like cooking and he comes up behind me and starts kissing the back of my neck. and then i kinda forget what im doing. but the other day it was like this kiss. this amazing kiss. that i wanted to go on forever. forever and ever and ever. and it did. and it was beautiful. it was like the kiss in movies that leaves the girl speechless. i just wanted more and more of it. and when he finally came away from my lips he didnt stop there, and my eyes were still closed and he kissed my cheek and my jaw and my neck and theres this one point of my neck he kissed and my knees started tingling a little and he moved me a little closer and i had to make him stop cos my knees were about to give way. i have myself a GOOD man. lol.

hes been definitely learning a lot about my likes and dislikes. ive clocked what hes like when hes ready to get randy. something in his eyes changes. he looks at me different and his tone of voice changes. his facial expression becomes defiant and hungry. i cant explain it, but it scares me a little at times. its the same face he has when hes kissing my breast. its when i realise he knows a lot more than i give him credit for. and he knows a lot more because hes experienced. because hes been with other women. and not just been with them, but learnt them. he knew their bodies before mine. he knew what hit the spot with them. he knew how to turn them on.
so sometimes, the fact that im not ready to give him a blowjob or have sex with him..it scares me that hes not happy with me. because i havent filled those vacancies yet, hes can only think about what has. and thats not me. ive never made him cum. its never been me. i know hes happy. he says hes satisfied. but part of me always remembers that its not me thats left their fingerprints on him.
i know what it takes to turn him on a little. enough to get him going. its his ears. and hair. and back. kissing and pulling and raking. but theres still so much i want to learn. and yet i know im not ready to take that step.

nothing much else has been going on.

RBk sent an inpromptu reply to the “get lost” email i sent him before christmas. he replied after having read it 2 weeks ago. what a bastard. what guy does that? knowing i am in a committed relationship, why would he just fuck with my head like that? knowing that im recovering from depression, why would he just play that game? knowing that the reason we broke down was his fault, what gave him the right to try to evoke a response from me? who does he think he is to think i owe him anything? how DARE he think that im being unfair about it all? you dont accuse someone of being a burden after they let you back into their life after you CHEAT on them. you just dont do that. i didnt reply. i dont need to know the “many things” he could have said in response to my email. bullshit about how there were so many things he wanted to say, but would just let me be. IF YOU WANTED TO SAY THEM, YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SAID THEM, whats the point of sending an email with no message? and IF YOU WANTED TO LET ME BE, YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE FUCKING REPLIED IN THE FIRST PLACE? what part of “i want to be entirely rid of you before the new year” did he not understand? what part of “i will never think of you or feel for you or want you ever” didnt he get? what part of “DONT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL” did he misread? im sorry, did i stutter? i think not. wankshit. i will never get over the fact that he felt i was a burden. that he had to throw in my face the fact that he was there for me when i felt low. im sorry i was too much. im sorry it was hard for you to love me. im sorry i was a pain. im sorry you felt like i was holding you back.

i can only pray to God that the same words never utter from ST’s lips. i dont know what id do. my life would become meaningless.

no one in my life has ever been a burden to me. i have never felt that i dont want to be there for someone. that they consume me. my sister once told me she felt like i acted like she was a burden to me. she wasnt a burden. i just gave up trying to be there for her. she didnt want my advice. she didnt want my love. she didnt want my support. she wanted a pat on the back and an excuse to talk about that guy. and i couldnt let her. i couldnt do that for her. so instead of wasting my time and energy that i needed for exams, i comforted her when i could. i listened when she needed me. i just never responded.

ST has become someone i can go to for ANYTHING. i cried in front of him. i cried in his arms. and i dont just mean cry like ive cried with others. i mean really wept. uncontrollably. i had a spiral right there while he held me and wiped my tears away. i dont remember much of it. i dont really remember what it was about. i remember telling him i just wanted to go home. i told him things that were going on in my head which i keep suppressed and dont let surface for fear of spiralling constantly. and its funny that i keep it all hidden, and yet he knew what was going on. i act like im fine with everything going on. i havent been home for ages. i havent slept in my bed for over a year. isnt that sad? i havent slept in my own bed. and yet no one knows how much it kills me. hurts me. makes me want to curl up rip my skin off and bleed into the carpet.

that sounds horrific. but its this sensation

of frustration and hurt mixed with loathing. ST was talking about moving and getting a place and stuff. i had to tell him to not invest for us yet. part of was very aware of how soon it all was. part of me knows that itd be a weak investment for him given im gonna end up being shifted around for a couple years after i graduate. hopefully if we marry i can apply to job in london and say i have a commitment to stay at home? a girl can hope.

he said he would move for me. that if it meant we had to, he would even go all the way up to scotland for me. and part of me does want to move eventually. theres something thats becoming toxic about london. its a wonderful city. i want my children to grow up here. but part of me just wants to move elsewhere to gain medical experience. just to take a break. to be free of the city for a little while.

i miss home. i miss home like crazy. it never felt like the city. it felt warm and cocooned. but it felt like the countryside. it was the best of both worlds.

its sad i dont get to spend any time there. its sad my pathetic sister and her jealous resentful tendencies mean i have to stay away from home. that i cant sleep in my bed.

so part of me cant wait to set up my own new home. my own place of comfort with a massive double bed and smooth sheets. a small place of comfort and happiness and cleanliness and peace. somewhere so calming that itd be easy to fall asleep on the couch. the kinda place where all you want to do is sleep and relax and play games and sit in the sun and forget time existed apart from the sun rising and setting.

thats what it was like at home.