three words saved my life

my depth is seeming more and more apparant.

i search for it in others. or rather hope others search for it in me. when i read back on my past entries, i sometimes end up wondering how i couldve written it. it always amazes me that i can write with depth. i suddenly get transported back to how i was feeling when i wrote it. i always thought i was bad at english. ive been told since the age of 5 that i have very little imagination. that my writing is not reflective. i dont phrase things correctly or i dont draw the reader in. i struggled to get those A’s in english A Level. only i wonder how it would be if i published this. i wonder if i draw a reader in?

everyone on facebook has been talking about how their statuses summarise their 2009. how emotional it is to look back at good memories of the year. to see how they spent it. not me.

this diary. this “free-for-all” to read. this is the summary. and yet as open as it is for everyone to see, its mine. its personal. its my head. my mind. my brain. my thoughts. me.

ive stopped noticing what im saying when i talk to ST. conversation flows out of me, and then i’ll realise hes quiet. and i’ll realise ive been talking too much. and i’ll realise i shouldnt talk so much crap.

like this diary.

some of these entries. theyre twisted. and dark. and when i read them as me, i remember the pain, but its not the pain i remember that causes the tears to flow. i go cold. numb. my eyes grow wide and my thoughts turn black. but when i read them as you, i want to reach out to me. i want to help me. i want to cry for the pain i went through. thats when the tears flow. thats when i hurt. when i remember there was no one there for me. when i screamed for help and no one came to me.

RR once asked me what my vice was last year. what it was i did to while away the time. i would wander from chatroom to chatroom. just looking for someone to find a connection with. someone who would reach to me and save me. i confused coincidences for understanding. i thought id found someone to relate to, and would wonder if they could save me. i would confuse saving me with loving me. they would convince me that their physical need would be enough for my emotional.

ive realised now..my vice? youtube. facebook. this diary. my boyfriend. normal things. i remember wondering how people could not get bored spending all their time searching through videos and images and letters and messages. how could they not need reaction? how could they not crave attention? how could they not want a response from what they did?

i should be studying. it just isnt working. im at the library at uni, and its just not happening. theres something so vague about everything im doing. its only 3pm.

i wish last year had never happened. i wish it could disappear from the timeline. i wish i could forget it. that i could simply pick up where i left off after my brothers wedding. that i was a year younger, and never carried a heart of hurt.

im not sensitive. sensitivity is flinching at everything harsh. i dont flinch at everything. quite the opposite. i welcome it with open arms by driving the stake into my heart. if only i could push it away. if i could take it into my hands and throw it far. its not you that damages me. its me. its the years of pain that have taught me to hurt myself. its not you my love. ur words do not affect me. the way i take ur words affects me. and im sorry. im sorry for making you believe that you hurt me. its not you. its me.

so here we are again. full circle. i thought i had stopped, but ive gone back to how i was before i fell in. i put on that confident front, and burn inside.

only now i have someone to reinforce the confident front. if i say im beautiful, theres someone to agree with me. not laugh at me. not tell me to stop being cocky. but to bring me up. to prevent me from thinking “no im not”. hes right there straight after. before i can even think im not, hes there telling me i am.

and as you kneel in front of me,
i will hold ur face in my hands,
silently singalong to the music and whisper the words
“i love you”
when they are sung and let
you kiss my tears.