when we’re alone, we’ll eat a mango together

its 1.40am. im sitting in my living room while ST is snoring away in my bed. im horny as hell and pissed off. so even if he did bother to wake up to show me some attention, i wouldnt let him touch me. im annoyed. ive realised im that girl that hates HATES being rejected sexually. if im horny, and someone says no. i get mad.

im mad.

so instead i figured id write up my list of resolutions for this year.

1) get a 2.1

2) lose weight

3) sort out my eyesight situation and wear my glasses at least once a day.

4) organise to be abroad at least 2 weeks per month of summer vacation

5) be happy.

for the first time in i think…5 years. “get a boyfriend” is not on there. and now that i have one hes snoozing away while im hot and bothered. plus its not like im gonna get anything tomorrow morning cos he wants to go home first thing he wakes up. and on top of all that, im not gonna see him for 2 weeks until ive finished exams. so. effectively, this is my last chance to get any action. and hes probably dreaming of it when he could be getting some for real. if he’d only WAKE UP. eugh.

i need to take my christmas tree down. its slowly losing the ability to withstand the weight of the decorations. a bell fell off today.

why the hell cant i just let this go? why am i so annoyed hes sleeping? part of me wonders if im just pushing him away now cos i know i’ll be more upset when he hops out of bed tomorrow morning and kisses me goodbye. 2 weeks is nothing. but 2 weeks is a lifetime when it consists of boredom and stress and no one to live with followed by an almighty exam that i should be more scared about. the 16th is years away. decades.

ST read a couple of entries with me today. i forget what i write in this thing. it suddenly became so crystal clear. it was like he really was reading my thoughts. he knows me too well. yesterday, the movie we went to see…there was a lot of mention of suicidal students who couldnt cope with the pressure of life and the pressure on them to achieve. every time they stood at a window sill or were caught hanging from a rope. something in me tensed. i know that feeling. where you just want to escape. unable to take it any more. we spoke about it today. he knew i wasnt comfortable. he didnt say anything at the time, but he checked if i was ok. i told him i never had the courage to do what they did. i would have taken pills and taken the cowards way out.

after the movie we went for dinner at pizza express. i had a glass of white wine and was a little tipsy. apparantly he was after his beer as well. we walked down to trafalgar square for the countdown. we kissed at midnight. (i stopped him from little kisses to build up the countdown). he said “i love you”. i said “i love you too”. it just slipped out. and i had been thinking about when to say it for ages. i was wondering if i was ready. if i should. if i should instead wait for a more momentous occasion. and when the clock struck midnight, i realised how much more momentous could it get? i wanted to spend my new year in love, and happy, and safe. i didnt want to question it any more. i had been having the urge to say it, even if i didnt necessarily know if i was in it or not.

i panicked inside when i had said it. he couldnt stop smiling. and then i felt guilt. like i had done something incredibly wrong. like i was feeling pressured into it.

but today. we fooled around for a bit, and i stopped him in the middle. he held me close. i was shivering. and then out of nowhere i just started crying. it hit me. it really really hit me. i told him i was so in love with him. and that i was so scared i would lose him. he assured me he wasnt going anywhere.

it definitely hit me today. i didnt even think about what i was saying or second guess what i was feeling when i said it. “im so in love with you…”

he says it often. im not used to hearing it. he says it randomly when i sit quietly. when i read something. when i eat something.

today we had a pretty romantic pudding. after dinner which we ordered in, i was just in the mood for fruit for some reason. i had a mango in my fridge, and i decided we could share it. it was so cuuuuute. i would cut it. give him a spoon of mango. take some myself. feed him some. it was really ripe, been sitting my fridge for a while now, and it would get all drippy, and he would lick it from my fingers. it was so intimate. and so loving. and so romantic.

after all that, we went to my room. i gave him a leg and foot massage. turned into a back rub too. he did the same for me. we talked. for a couple hours. about our future. about where he saw us in 10 years. i havent really thought about it so far ahead. he has. hes really thought about it. maybe not entirely. but here and there. we talked about our kids. about how we would be with them. silly things really.

i call him my “bubby”. i keep transitioning from referring to him as my boyfriend, to husband. i dont know how its happened. i love my friends. im not ready to give them up yet. but i know ST and i are going to be going far together. he sees me in his future. me. and i look forward to being in it.

bring on 2010.