but omelette this one slide
i was wrong. its me. im cold and uncaring.
he says i love you and i didnt say anything back. when he tells me he loves me, i stop, i freeze, i have no idea what to say. i desperately want to say it to him, but i know i cant yet. that night, when he held me briefly, he said it. he said it to me. he said “i love you”. and i didnt say anything for a while. i muttered that i was nearly there. he didnt hear it. when he says it i dont say anything.
i tell him all this superficial stuff about how gorgeous and sexy he is. but i dont give him emotion. i give him compliments. but thats it.
im that guy. that man. the one that makes you nervous cos ur not sure if they really care. if all they want you for is the physical. the one that you’re never certain about. i know that man. i never thought i would become him.
and its why he wont open up to me. its why hes cautious. he gets nervous. he worries im fickle. not because he doesnt like me or respect me or care for me. but because he doesnt know if i really do.
why the hell am i complaining that hes told me he loves me? how many men can just say it? especially knowing that i cant say it back?
he loves me. hes IN love with me.
RR made me very aware of it yesterday. he basically brought it all round and said “why do you want him to compliment you?” i dont. i have no need for it. i dont need to be told im pretty and sexy and gorgeous. he wouldnt be with me if he didnt think it. he wouldnt kiss me. smile when he saw me. he wouldnt do all that.
when i think of him. when i think how beautiful he is. i have this image. its when i kiss his neck. his head tilted back, his hands holding my waist. his eyes close. his lips part a little. and he looks so happy. hes not smiling. but he looks so content. so much like…”this is it. this is what ive been waiting for my whole life”.
he said he gets that same feeling when i first lay my eyes on him every time i see him. i have this look. pure content. and i know the look hes talking about. i know the reason behind it. amongst all the crazy, the nervousness, the uncertainty, the rush of people around me, the hecticness of my life. when i see him in that crowd in that mentality. everything in me settles. my brain relieves itself. this feeling swamps me. like a reversed shiver. it climbs from my toes and closes in from the top of my head. and it settles in my chest and my heart skips a beat. this warm glowing feeling. and it moves around my body as i draw nearer to him. it gushes into my lips when he kisses me for the first time. it brings life to my hand when he tangles his fingers in mine. it pours into my tummy and i feel butterflies. and i go blank. i cant think. all i know is that im happy. i never want it to end. i forget everything. i can only think about him. my lips say a prayer thanking God for giving him to me, every time i have that first kiss.
and when i see him that happy. when i kiss his neck. it makes me stop. i could stare at him like that for hours. he notices ive stopped, and his eyes open. and all i see is him. his eyes. theyre so brown. they look deep into mine. and i cant move. i cant break my stare. he closes his mouth, he looks at me, and makes a notion to ask whats wrong? i will shake my head and smile. he pulls me a little closer to him. grow comfortable as i stare at him. then he does this thing. this tiny little man thing which makes me want him to rip my clothes off right there. he raises his left eyebrow at me. quickly. its like…”hey. bring ur lips back here”. and i do as im told. i didnt even tell him. he realised it himself. he figured it out cos im so obvious. apparantly i make him feel like that when i sigh while im kissing him. i didnt even know i did it. but now im aware of it.
ive noticed also, before, i would watch a romantic movie. and something would happen and i would think “jeez i need a boyfriend”. now when i watch it i think “where the hell is ST?!” i start craving him like crazy. hes become my favourite movie star. my real life james franco.
he gets hotter every time i see him. i find myself more and more attracted to him every time. i dont know how much more attracted to him i can get?!
i just wonder when i’ll be able to say i love you. fearlessly. without wondering what will happen.
im just waiting for it to hit me 🙂