he loves me he loves me not.

for the last 10 years, it has only been me that has given myself an orgasm. my hand. my thoughts. me.

last night. for the first time EVER. someone else did the work. and it was incredible.

i cannot stop thinking about the orgasm he gave me. i could feel my hips clinging to his fingers. and he kept working me. over and over. he wanted to give me multiple orgasms. i stopped him. and when he pulled his fingers out and stroked my clit one last time with his wet fingers it felt warm and comfortable.

as we started he started kissing down my body, i was already pretty horny by this point. but it was when he started removing my pj bottoms…thats when i knew he wanted to make me cum. he licked his fingers and stroked my already wet pussy, and oh my god did it feel good. he kissed my thighs as he inserted one finger. it hurt a little at first. i was tense and nervous. but he persisted. he opened me out.  could feel myself getting wetter and hotter. he hasnt quite mastered how much clitoral massage i like…where it is exactly…how hard to rub (hes too aggressive at the moment). but he knew what to do when he was inside me. initially he stroked the inside of me. while attempting to get my clit at the same time. it felt good, but it wasnt perfect. when he pushed in a second finger though…that felt good. he was determined. this indian man, this very indian man surprised me. he knew exactly what he was doing. he is no shy freshie. he is a very sexy guy. it was when he started to really finger me. when he started pumping me with two fingers. it drove me closer and closer to the edge. but something was stopping me from tipping over. he was kissing my thighs and hips. and i really needed some clitoral stimulation. so i took over that, and as soon as i did, i could feel myself pulsing. i knew i was closer. he kept going though. and when i did cum. ohhhhhhh myyyy GOOODDDD did it feel good. he kept his hand inside me as i came. right through to the end. he kept going a little. he really made me cum. i begged him to hold me, and he slowly and carefully, keeping his hand where it was, brought himself up to me and held me close. i told him to stop. he took his time. eventually he asked me if i wanted to keep going. i said i couldnt handle it. not on the first time. he slowly gently pulled his fingers out and pressed them against my pussy. thats when i needed him to hold me tightly more than ever. he ran his fingers slowly over my thighs, before dragging up and holding me against him. i wanted to tell him in that moment that i loved him. but i realised i needed to fall first. i needed to look into his eyes. i needed to kiss him. to have him with me. just stay in that moment.

but he has this habit. he does this thing. he separates sex and love. hes just as affectionate, if not less, than normal. i needed him to look into my eyes. tell me i was beautiful. tell me i meant the world to him. but he didnt. instead i was sort of clinging to this beast of a man who then proceeded to tell me i needed to shave down there. which not only offended me but hurt me as well. here i was having shared this incredible intimate and sexual moment with him, and he was basically telling me i was less than perfection.

i got mad. i got dressed. he got up to leave and stay in the spare room. which sent me over the edge. i started crying. i got madder. how could he do that to me? sex me up and leave me to cry?

ive had this discussion with him before. he never compliments me. hes quick to say my faults. finds it difficult to express the good. and it hurts. i cant say the bad stuff to him. i have to assess myself, make sure i dont hurt him when i say it. im careful. and the good stuff..it pours out of me. when i see him, i cant help but tell him how gorgeous i think he is. it just comes easy. it comes natural.

its this thing that constantly worries me. he tells me hes in love with me. but how can he be? he says i love you. but he wont say why?

im letting myself fall in love with him. im letting every moment wash into me and settle and seep in. im letting myself be amazed. but hes not doing it. hes not taking me in bit by bit. hes not letting himself fall for me. hes assuming hes already there. and just taking the crap with the good. and its that that makes me wonder if hes settling. its all this that makes me wonder if maybe he is only with me because no one else tells him the things i do. no one else makes him feel as good as i do. if he thinks this is as good as it gets.

so here is my fear. that one day he will have enough of me and my mood swings and the way i am. that one day he will turn around and realise “what the hell am i doing with this girl”. that one day, he will have some pretty young girl look him in the eye and tell him hes sexy, and he will realise he can have any woman he wants in this world. that im no one. im scared he’ll realise hes made a mistake and leave me.

i want him to like me for me. not because he feels he should. not because he doesnt want to risk it in case there is something better out there. he didnt pick me. i gave myself to him. hes settled for me.

its this constant worry. hes the perfect man for me. his flaws and all. but i know im not the perfect woman for him. i know there is someone out there who would look after him and treat him so much better than i do. i know it. i just wish it was me.

last night i just needed to hear him tell me he loved me. or even cared me. or just needed me. or that he felt close to me. or a connection or something. when i ask him what hes thinking he says “nothing”. when i cry he begs me to stop cos it hurts seeing me cry. but i wonder if its only to ease his guilt. not because he cant bare to see me hurt. but because he feels bad that he hurt me. he says he loves me but hes not thinking about me. hes not put himself in my shoes. hes not feeling what i feel. hes protecting himself from me. hes hiding what he thinks. hes not opening up.

and thats why i wont tell him im in love with him. it has nothing to do with my past. nothing to do with the men that have come and gone. its because im scared yes. because im worried he’ll hurt me yes. but hes not given me reason to believe he would protect me over himself. i know i would protect him before myself. its why i push him away. its why i stop mid-kiss. its why i get up in the middle of getting horny with him and go to the bathroom. somewhere deep in my skull, im terrified of hurting him. of infliciting his life with me. i dont want to be his burden.