im older than my years

the year is winding down. this has been one of the worst years of my life. and i want to cleanse myself of it. i once lost my faith in God. that was the hardest point. feeling so alone i couldnt even rely on God. its taken me some time to restore my faith. i thank Rio De Janeiro. I thank Christ for Redeeming me. thats when it changed. and i reopened my heart.

Dear God, Here is My Prayer.

I would like to start by apologising to you. i would like to beg you for forgiveness. and thank you for letting me find you in your own way. i will always remember the day i looked into the eyes of the welcoming statue of Christ in the capital of Brazil and wept. i wept the poison from my blood. i remembered why i loved you once.

thank you for everything you have given me. for blessing me in this way. for giving me the happiness ive dreamt of. this time last year i had lost myself. i had no one. and how much can happen in a year to put me in the opposite direction. thank you for giving me the strength to go on. for giving me the people i needed to keep going. for believing in me.

i will always wonder where i faltered to deserve what happened. i will always look for my faults. its the scar i keep from your lesson. maybe i will always question it to the day i die.

i remember when i met the cancer patient. when she found the silver lining to her tumorous cloud. without the cancer she would never have realised how precious life was.

ive learnt how precious life is. i thank you for everything you’ve given me. i will never tell anyone how much you mean to me. more than anyone maybe.

you believed im a good person. and for that reason i am still alive. maybe ive taken the wrong decisions to make me this happy. maybe you will take it from me because i dont deserve it? i cant be sure. but i can only do what i can as my heart continues to grow back. as it swells wanting to risk life again. as i begin to forget a little.

the last 2 months, have brought me up when i had been so down. thank you for giving me the courage to pass my driving test. for helping me enjoy my academic life. as lazy as i still am when it comes to revision, i have truly enjoyed it. it was just what ive needed to move on from my ugly past.

i sometimes question how my life would have been if it had continued as it did 2 years ago. when i first came to medical school. when i was new and fresh and ready to take on the world. how would i be now if i had stayed that way. i wonder who i would be now if i had passed second year. if i never lived with my sister. if i had never lived with AM. if i never cut myself. if i never had depression. who would i be today? would i know who i was?

i remember this time last year, i wanted the box to sit on the ground. it was a rubix cube. small and opaque. in my mind, its translucent now. it glows amber light. it hovers from in the air to the ground. it moves to where it wants to go. it emits a warmth. the room is filled with the scent of a million flowers. the walls are lined with steps to the sky. the clouds are wispy. the horse is tall and glossy and protects that box.

im scared. im still scared. i sense it when i think about him. im scared hes going to leave. im scared hes not real. im scared hes just a dream. how can he be true? i keep wondering why i feel it. he tells me he loves me. that he will be there forever. that im the one. and yet im still scared. this is what those men have left me with. baggage. an inability to let myself love. i know i can trust ST. i know i will marry him. but something stops me from falling in love. something stops me from being secure. something stops me from slow dancing with him. its the immense fear he will leave me. forgive me if i hurt them. they are the sins i will never be able to wash myself of. the men who have touched my skin, kissed my lips, smelled my scent. i thought they could have been the one. i let my carnal desire take over my sense and decency. i confused happiness with lust and desire and admiration. and here i am. with ST. someone who makes me inherently happy. who lets me be myself. someone who im so scared im going to lose. i dont cry because i miss him. i dont cry because hes hurt me. i cry because im scared. i cry because i want to be in love with him. i want to give him all the happiness in the world. and im scared im not the one to give it to him. hes perfection, im not. please God, please look after those men who have come and gone in my life. protect them all. even those who did not mean well. why? because theyve brought me to where i am today. they gave me reason to find ST.

thank you God. for bringing him into my life. for answering my prayers. i dont know how i can repay you. how i can thank you for what you’ve done. i can only try to go forward in this world and do good.

please God, protect everyone in my heart. please protect those who have hurt me. bless those who have loved me and helped me and been there for me. forgive those that ask for it. i am only human and i falter. i cant give the forgiveness everyone wants from me. i slip into the night never to be seen or heard of again. not only to protect myself but so that im lost from their radar. lost from their life. i make it easy for them to forget i existed. i pray for everyone who has ever dwelled in my heart. i wish them all the happiness in the world. i want them to find peace. to find happiness. i dont want anyone to know what it feels like to be me. to feel the hurt ive felt in my life.

ive never wanted to hurt anyone God. the measures ive taken, the path youve shown me. i only took it to help myself from hurting any more. its been 10 years. i remember the night my life fell apart. i remember the night i blamed myself. i remember RT holding me and telling me to not cry. i remember my parents throwing her out of the house. i remember my sister crying in her room. i remember her words. “P, dont keep it to yourself. dont end up like me. talk to someone, anyone. write a diary. just dont end up like me”. i remember being scared. i remember holding her while she wept in my arms. i was 12. i remember that year i bought a diary. i remember i started writing when i felt down. i remember how my writing increased as things escalated at home. i remember never writing what was happening. i remember when i first cut. i never wanted to hurt anyone. one day maybe my family will forgive me. maybe i will marry and they will forget me. i just want them to be happy. maybe they will be without me. i know my mother blames me for why everything went wrong. i know my sister blames me for everything that went wrong. i know my dad would have less to worry about without me. i know my brother would be just as happy without me. i know i was a pointless addition to that family. if i can bring reason to my existance by giving ST all the happiness in the world, then i will give him my everything. i know hes scared. that my family wont accep

t him. that hes not rich enough. that he wont make me happy. but his happiness, him being happy depends on my being in his life, and that is enough for me. that is everything to me. so how can i not stare at him? how can i not look at him when he talks? how can i not be amazed that this man is in my life? im just scared. if im not here for my family, then im here for the man i marry. and the minute hes not happy with me, is the minute i give up.

please God protect everyone in my heart. give them everything they want in life. everything they deserve. please.

please bless SK and her family. for letting me into their home on Christmas Day to share such a special occasion with them. please bless SL and her family for taking care of me. Please please please look after MN and her family. they mean the world to me, and i cant bear to see them hurt any more. please look after RR, and VSM, and CF, and the Dream Team, DKP, SS, their families and everyone else in my heart mind and soul.

finally please bless ST and his family. i thank you and them for bringing him into my life.

thank you God. for everything. for saving me from myself.

PM