slow down

date four turned into date five. he came over the help me pick and put up and decorate my annual christmas tree. we had a minor disagreement beforehand. it snowed crazy last night, and MN called me in a panic in the hopes i might be in south london. i wasnt. the blizzard did however make me worry that he might not want to come over with the bad weather and the non-prospect of getting home on time and safely. he thought i was making excuses for him to not come. i thought he didnt want to come. he thought i didnt want him to come. we had a minor teeny argument about it. i got upset. i really wanted him to come over. i had been looking forward to him coming over allllll weekend. and what a niiiiight it turned out to be!!!

after i bought a tree, he carried it back to mine. came in, fixed up a little, and then i gave him a mini tour of the place. eventually we set the tree in the stand, and let it settle for a little while. in the meanwhile we sat for a while and made out for ages. awesomeness. it was yummy. and felt good. and hes my boyyyyyfriend.

after a little while i sat on his knee (swoooooon) and showed him family pics he was wondering about on my computer and facebook and we put on some music. we made out some more. SWoooooooooooooooN.

then we hopped up. he tried to fix my tv. i started to decorate the tree. eventually he gave up and joined me, and it was sooo cuute. we were decorating together. and then sometimes he would stop and kiss me. he showed me his watch which i really likedm even though it doesnt work, and he gave it to me. he told me to keep it. and im wearing it as i type. its hugo boss and chunky and i love it. im thinking of getting the batteries replaced and the watch engraved for him. but that will cost a lot…maybe for his birthday in april. eventually we ordered in some lebanese food. and we finished off the tree as much as we could be bothered. i was starting to get tired and i could tell he was too. so we ate. it was pretty late, so he called home to say he was staying a friends place. 😀

yunno ive never specified a need for a muscly guy. i usually like them big and cuddly. but i did yelp a little when he let me feel his flexed arm. it was damnnnn sexy.

after dinner we were talking for a while. he makes me giggle so much. he keeps flinching when i try to touch his face lol. after we cleared the plates, i could tell he was exhausted. so we sat on the couch together for a little while. i ran my fingers through his hair and he started to nod off. so i told him to go get changed into the pjs i lent him and he got all annoyed and upset that we would just go to bed and he wouldnt be able to spend time with me. so i said it was ok, and that i would go get changed and join him for a little while and let him nod off to sleep and leave.

when i got into bed, it was clearly implied i wasnt going anywhere. and i slept in his arms all night. it was so strange for me. ive NEVER slept in the same bed as another guy. not even RR or RB or VSM or SS. ive slept in the same bed as girls. but never guys. and this one was my boyfriend. this one was not scared to touch me and hold me and kiss me. it was surreal. when i moved he would wake up to check i was ok. his big strong arms would just encase me and hold me and keep me warm. it really was so comfy. he wrapped his legs up in with mine. and put his arm under my head. and his other arm around my waist and held me close. he would breathe against my neck. and he snored a little in my ears (which was not so pleasant lol). i was very aware that i was pressed against a boy. no. a man. i was in bed with a man. i real live 6ft1 man. and he likes me. a lot. it seemed so natural to him. even in his sleep he was comfortable and i just became a part of his sleeping pattern. i am not used to be hugged and kissed and cuddled while i sleep. so it was strange for me. how did he know i was there even in his sleep, to pull me towards him and hold me? well it was lovely anyway. i liked it most when he spooned me. every time i moved, he would ask me if i was ok and kiss my forehead. when i got freaked by noises in my flat, he would get up and check the door was locked and lights were off. he worried about me being alone in the flat. everything he does makes me realise how much he wants to protect me and look after me. and hes everything i could have ever asked for. he kept flexing his arms for me a bit as well. it made me giggle. it really was too sexy. yumyumyuuuuuuuuum.

eventually the alarm went off and he slowly woke up. and he WOOOOOOOOOOKE up. he got somewhat amorous. it was certainly a gloroius morning. for him at least. i basically let him get some over the t-shirt action. i got kinda hot over it all though. and after all the sexual drama that was going on in my spare room, i tangled my legs up around his and apparantly my thighs were burning hot. according to him. perhaps he didnt realise why at the time…but it was basically cos i was horny as hell. hes so yummmmmmmyyyy. waking up next to him in his arms was a dream. he asked me if i enjoyed him touching me. i said i think he enjoyed it more than i did. he said “of course :)”. i giggled. he then told me i was definitely not a baby, and quite clearly a sexy grown up woman…with boobs lol. he also tried to guess my bra size. he was a couple sizes too short. i think he was glad. having said that there are few that wouldnt be.

it was all so intimate and loving and warm and cuddly and sexy at the same time.

so that was a lovely morning. he then went and showered, got dressed, and came into my room. we made out some more and then i lent him some old hairgel i used to use. he then kissed me and sat with me for a little while. i showed him my highest heels and he said “now theres the wife im going to marry one day”. it was sweet. but very forward. and i know its only been a month or so. but i feel like marriage is how we’ll end up. and not now. not in the near future, but one day. so i dont mind him referring to him as his wife. he got a little sad that i dont think of him as my husband yet. he said it last night “you keep calling me ur boyfriend..you dont yet feel like im your husband do you?…you dont have that feeling?” honestly, no i dont. to me husband and wife..it means i have to give up everything else in my life. that my focus becomes my husband. and its natural. and i want it to happen. but i AM still only 22. and i dont want to give up that stuff yet. so i cant feel that way about him. yes i know one day we will probably end up married, but at the moment, he is NOT my husband. i told him that, he said he understood, and that he wants to wait for me. 🙂

before he left we made out some more. my body tingled like crazy when he touched my bare skin. he started by gliding his hand against my tummy and waist and i swear my skin was going crazy for him. he kissed and sucked my neck and i felt myself sinking. his warm hand began gliding up. and i didnt stop him this time. i stopped him when we were in bed together. but this time. on my bed. i l

et him. he was careful and tentative and slowly. but i let him and omg. it was soooo hot. he massaged my breasts and i got pretty hot over it.  i dont know what it was about what he was doing but it turned me on so much. after about 5 minutes of him learning my body a little, i could feel myself wanting it to go further. and i freaked out. i told him to stop. and he did. he realised i had tensed up and asked me why. i was fretting a lot. and he got upset when i wouldnt look at him. i just couldnt for some reason. i felt so embarrassed. i should have stopped him. i told him i didnt want him to lose respect for me. he told me i was his touch me not flower. that he liked me more for asking him to stop. that what i had let him do was only because i wanted him to do it. and he didnt lose any respect for me. that he would slow down if i wanted him to. i told him i didnt want him to just like me for that one thing. he said he didnt, and that it just made him like me more. i didnt like that response even though he was only joking. he said sorry and kissed me, and told me that he liked me for me a lot. that he knows all that stuff can wait till after we get married. that he didnt just like me because i let him touch my boobies.

after he got up. i looked at his creepy feet haha and then we kissed and parted. ahhh it was so yummy all of it. i went into the spare room after he left and climbed into the bed and fell asleep smelling him all around me. i miss him. he text me to tell me he was thinking of me all day. i cant stop thinking about him either. im so happy.

i emailed RBk. i came across an old email and it shook me. and i decided i didnt want to harbour all those romantic emails while falling for another guy. so i emailed him to tell him i was with someone else, that i was happy, and that i was deleting all the emails we sent back and forth. i said some mean things. i told him unnecessary details about me and ST. but i didnt tell him to hurt him. maybe i did? im not sure. i told him he didnt deserve the email regardless given the way he treated me last time we talked. and that i just wanted to forget him for as long as i could. and that i would remember him whenever i thought about my depression. but other than that, he was gone from my life.

im happy. im so happy. im content. and not only with my ST, but also with myself. i feel good for once. 2010 is the year forward. age 23 in 5 months. i always did better on even years, odd ages. 🙂