breaking down and no insurance

she had the nerve to text me some emotionally blackmailing text message about how everyone will be heartbroken if i dont go home for christmas while my parents are away this year. after she proved yet again how little she thinks of me last night.

my car broke down and i didnt know who i was supposed to call given its a new object in my life. so i called my dad and asked him. my dad told me to call AA. i did. they wouldnt send someone out because ive not got full insurance on the car, my mum has 3rd party insurance, and without her being at the scene, they couldnt send someone out. what a load of bullshit. so i called home again, in which time my dad had told my sister. my dad was already on the phone to the AA who had called home and he was laying into them about how stupid it all was. he then said he would come out and be there when the AA came.

my sister insisted on going.

on what level does that mean i asked her to come out? i didnt even ask my dad to come out.

i called my dad and he said he had sent my sister and that he was sorry, but she kept making a fuss, and to just call the AA and see if theyd insure me in the meanwhile.

i called the AA. they needed authorisation from my dad. i gave them his number. my dad gave my sister his phone.

my sister must have got the call from the AA, and instead of understanding the situation was separate, that the AA man on the phone to her was talking about authorisation to insure me. she decided that yet again, that i must have called the AA for some stupid reason about the breakdown. 2 entirely separate situations. it all could have been avoided if i knew my dad had switched phones with her.

i then get a call from my sister, that she had to sort everything out, and that SHE was the hero in all this, and that I am oh-so-irresponsible and this is when it gets REALLY to the point….that i should “call the AA myself and get my own insurance”. wow. insightful. did you think that maybe i was doing that already?

for about 3 years now, i havent gone to my sister for anything. i havent relied on her to do anything. i havent assumed, that she,  as an older sister as older sisters should be, is there for me. so where does she get off telling me off for dragging her out?
she then says “so i dont need to be there, the AA are coming anyway”. all i asked was, ok, so are you still coming here? ie. please dont. i dont want to see you. and she snipes at me like i expect her to be there, cos thats what irresponsible people do, they expect everything from her apparantly “erm, well i have WORK tomorrow? so no. im not. unless you need me to come there?”. no, you’re tired. go home. the AA are coming. yet another snipe “well no, its up to you. do you need me to be there?” no. its fine. go home.

so my sister still thinks im an immature little brat, who only cares about myself, and that has no regard for anyone elses feelings or life or situation.

rich.

i called my dad and told him everything that was going on, that the AA were coming, and that she layed into me for no reason, and that he shouldnt have sent her. he said he knew. and that he had already warned her not to say anything to me.

so now whos an immature little brat who only cares about themself and has no regard for anyone elses feelings or life or situation?

yes me. right?

and now. to send me this message. i know her thinking. i know what it means. she only wants me there so she can pretend to play happy families. i told her no. and that last night was another example of how low she thinks of me. that yes, i should have my insurance sorted myself, but that dad told me it was sorted. clearly i was wrong. and that i could potentially do anything and everything in the world if im taught how to, but dad doesnt teach me until he cant do it himself, because thats his way of keeping me as his responsibility. until im married, he has every right to have parental control over me. and that she had no right to keep making me feel like shit about myself, and that she had the never to then say that i was immature? im not a bad person. and i ended on telling her to leave me alone.

word for word. this is what she then texts me. “You’re crazy. It’s all in your head. Take Care. X”.

im CRAZY? its in my head. when did i last hear those words? oh yeah, last year when i told SK that AM wasnt talking to me. sure crazy i was then, when 6months later she revealed she wasnt talking to me because my sister shouted at her. it wasnt in my head. she was treating me like shit. and getting away with it because no one else knew. it was just me that was dying inside. like i am now.

what kind of sick person, no wait, what kind of sick doctor tells someone with known depression that theyre crazy and that its all in their head? what kind of sicko does that? i tell you. my sister.

and on top of everything else. on top of all the bullshit she actually put in her own head, that that guy was in love with her when he was ready to put on a restraining order. she has the nerve to text me that? so not only is she demeaning, heartless, uncaring, selfish, but shes a fucking hypocrite too.

and now im sitting here. im the one crying. 2 hours before my date with ST. with a cracking face mask on. im the one who suffers. and no one cares. who am i supposed to turn to? where am i supposed to go? im breaking down again. i dont know how im going to feel when i meet ST. i was looking forward to it, but i have a feeling im just going to end up crying again. i dont want him to have to deal with all this. i dont want him to know all this. he shouldnt have to.deal with me when im like this. he barely knows me. why should he have to be my insurance?

i should never have text back. i should have just said i had to revise. i shouldnt have said anything. its my fault. everything is my fault. but i did. in the hope that maybe her text wasnt just blackmail. in the hope that maybe she really did want me there at christmas. its a lie. just like it was a lie when she told me AM wanted to go out to celebrate an article being published in the university paper, and i didnt want to go. just like how the whole family would fall apart if i took a nap after cooking on christmas day and didnt watch Meet the Parents with my dad who was already falling asleep. just like how she once told me she was proud of me. and that she loved me.

it was all long long ago. and once upon a time. just a fairytale and now im living the nightmare.