what if

i keep overthinking everything. like a girl. like every girl. like every girl that bothers me because they overthink everything instead of just enjoying it.

what if he doesnt think im pretty? what if he finds out about my depression and runs a mile? what if im not enough? what if i cant fall for him? what if he cant fall for me? what if i end up ruining his life?

i dont want to be that girl. not again.

i know im just overthinking everything. getting too excited about it all. i need to relax. i need to enjoy it. i need to realise that for once a guy is keen on me. a good decent guy.

why is that never enough? i catch myself finding faults. any faults.

he said it to me last night as well. i always get so worried that something bad is going to happen. even he said it, “why do you always find the negative”. it suddenly struck me that i do that.

i hate that i do that. i always think “better to be safe than sorry”. but what if ur too safe? what if you dont just let go? you lose right? being too safe will eventually lead to you being sorry.

so i should just relax. stop overthinking it.

im so glad i can talk to him about this kinda stuff. he hasnt run a mile yet. hes not scared of commitment. hes not worried about investing himself.

its me. im worried about all this. what is wrong with me? is this my past haunting me? or is this…me? like is this a result of everything thats happened…or is this the reason why everything happened?

 

one thing is for sure, im glad RBk is out of my life for now. we had a fight after i told him i needed more time away. he showed himself to not be as good a person as i thought. he confirmed i was a burden to him. that it was effort being with me. and it all makes sense. the kiss was sabotage. it was a way out. it was his only way out. and he wanted out. hes just too stubborn to admit it. he’d rather take the blame than admit he didnt want me.
well fine. he can rot in hell with the blame. what kind of person tells you they love you only to reveal you were too difficult to keep in their life?

 

there is one thing thats bothered me about ST. he keeps trying to draw out information about what happened with my sister. and i dont want to talk about it. for multiple reasons, but because i dont want to talk about it, he only gets snippets of what happened, and he takes her side. he thinks im being melodramatic. that im complaining for no reason. like my dad and mum do. all im trying to do is put it behind me. a part of my unchangeable past. i dont want to cry in front of him already. and i dont want to go back to that dark place with him. i dont want to gain sympathy from him. i dont want him to like me because i hurt. i want him to like me because of who i am. me. PM. i want him to like PM.

eventually one day when im secure. when i feel safe with him, i’ll tell him.

its just, i hate being blamed for something just because i actively do something to prevent further damage.

why do i get the blame for actively not talking to my sister so that i dont slit my wrists and swallow some pills, because shes too selfish to care if she hurts me, just so she can feel better about herself?

why does everyone expect me to have to sacrifice myself for her?

is that what i was born for?

its feeling like im worthless that hurts. its being made to feel like her happiness is more important than mine.

im a person. i have feelings. i have emotions. i find stuff funny and laugh. i get upset and cry. if you cut me i bleed. if you push me under water i drown. i have a pulse. i have flesh. i have thoughts. im real. so why am i not allowed to have my own life. why am i not allowed to live my life the way i want it to be? why do i have to be treated like a toy? like a dog’s tail. like i am disposable?

im not disposable. if you throw me away, you cant replace me. once im gone, im gone.