Thirty-Three: The Surface

Thirty-Thirty

I think there comes a time when you no longer want to walk on eggshells; a time when maybe, just maybe you can get out all you needed to without the fear of judgement, apathy, or restraint. The truth is – I have never felt more alone than I do at this very moment. My entire life I was haunted, almost paralyzed by emotion. I felt them deeply. If someone was sad, I would take it personal – even if it had nothing to do with me, and so, I would go out of my way to make sure they felt loved and appreciated. No – I am not trying to win citizen of the year award. This is in fact a very negative quality.

I made it my most vigilant effort to not let others see my flaws. In fact, my desire to be perfect has almost killed me in literal and figurative ways. {Dramatic but true, unfortunately.} Sometimes, though, when I am alone – or even when I’m not – I can see them. It’s all I ever do see, and so my appearance has to stay in tact. They say if you carry a smile you actually begin to believe it. They say if you put on makeup, it will cover your imperfections. If you write your story, they will listen. They say what is good on the lips is bad for the hips. They say if you breathe, you’re alive. Consequently, what do “they” know?

I believe you can smile while inside you are very depressed. I believe you can put on makeup and at the end of the day, every discolor and darkness shows. If you write your story, nobody wants to listen to -yours-. They want to know how they can relate it to their lives. If you eat, you have no will-power. Just because you’re breathing, doesn’t mean you’re alive.

Just because you’re upset doesn’t mean you still don’t put your entire trust and faith in God’s hands. He gave me this vessel to use for his purpose. I abuse it daily, but he knows I am not perfect.

We all have our inner demons. This is not a clear cut ending because there will never be one. Keep your words to yourself and don’t bother asking me if I am okay or not; I think that’s obvious right now. I will probably delete this in the morning but hey – it was a healthy means of coping tonight.