Twenty-Six: Once Upon A Time (Part.One)

Twenty-Six

Dear Readers, Followers, and Friends:
I do not expect you to read this. This is mainly for myself. I had to get this out in the open. It has been killing me. This is my means of reflection and freedom. The next few blog entries will be an account of the past few months spent with him.

Thank you for the patience. I have truly missed you all but I couldn’t bear to get on here and expose myself right now. It’s far too confusing. I just wanted you guys to know I miss you terribly and plan on noting you soon!

I keep referring back to it; the night you called. I had waited so long to hear from you. The entire summer up to this point consisted of thoughts, regrets, and most of all; missing you. I had so much to say to you, but when the opportunity finally came, my heart stopped. My mind became a blank canvas. I can blame it on the time and that would seem logical. 4:30 am is a random time to receive a phone call, but we both knew I would be awake. You always knew me so well…though I feel like I didn’t know you at all. Maybe I wore too much of myself on my sleeve. I was an open book for the world to read. You were a mystery; and that was half the allure I suppose.

Considering it is 4 am again and I am awake, the phone call did not provide any comfort. I can pretend and tell myself that it did. Finally…the closure I craved…I deserved…I desired but the words couldn’t come out. I guess it’s time for me to say them now, huh? You will probably never verbally hear them. Getting them out on virtual paper will hopefully produce the healing necessary for me to move on.

I don’t want to make this cliché by any means but this diary excerpt is going to be one where lyrics randomly appear and fill in blanks that I cannot express myself. I am sorry if I have jumped on the bandwagon for this. Sometimes, my words will not come out. Sometimes, I have way too many things in my head at once to organize the chaos. Sometimes, I get off topic and begin to rant…like I am now. *Sighs*

Once upon a time
I used to romanticize
Used to be somebody, never mind
Don’t miss it that much now
I think it’s sinking in
Days that I wonder where I’ve been
In picture perfect porcelain
But I won’t lose a pound

It was a cold day in February. I usually tried not to wear long sleeves. They reminded me of my past. They reminded me of the person I hid for so many years. They reminded me of the pain I endured. Yet, it was a particularly cold night. The ironic part of the situation is it was Valentine’s Day; one of the most warming holidays of all. It was meant to be a holiday that is supposed to be celebrated with the one you love the most. Yet, I found myself in a classroom that night. I was carrying pink frosted cupcakes and had one thought on my mind: wishing the movie was over so I could go home.

I walked down the stairwell as the movie finally ended. I carried on pointless and small conversations with everyone that day. Maybe it was the atmosphere of the night. I was always sentimental like that. I tried to say at least hello to everyone, though I am not sure why. I approached you, too, and that moment would be the most inceptive moment of my life. “Hey ___” was all that spoken but somehow, we now were walking in sync. We were walking down the stairs together at the same pace. You gave me your smile in return. That was enough for me. I was satisfied with myself for getting out of my shell. Conversely, it did not end there.

I opened the door to the outside exit and stood where I routinely did. I had to wait on my transportation to arrive. Standing with my cupcakes in hand, I planted myself on the pavement. I was freezing and contemplating going back inside for the time being, but you would not allow that.

“Hey. Can I stand here and talk to you?” You slyly asked with your self-composure.

“Sure.” I shrugged.

I can’t remember most of the conversation after that except the usual small talk…or at least while it was happening I thought so. Instead, I sauntered on about my tainted emotions and feelings. I suppose I can blame it on the narrative workshop we had that day. We had to exchange our papers with two others, and I felt relieved knowing that only two classmates would be reading my tale of my strongest addiction: anorexia-nervosa. That did not last, nonetheless, as we had to go around the room and summarize each story. My partner announced to the classroom that mine was my triumphant over anorexia, which in itself was fictionalized. I expressed that to you as we talked that night. We talked about music, love, feelings, and the reason we were in college. By the end of the night, I knew something about you was going to magnetize me. I wasn’t sure how and maybe I didn’t care to. I never was one for change.

“Do you like jazz music?” You questioned at one point. I believe I nervously giggled and replied with a simple “Sometimes I do, I guess. Maybe modern. I really listen to more of a Mayday Parade scene,” I confessed. You quickly disapproved of my music choice, and that was okay with me. I appreciated the fact you had your own opinion as most are afraid to express their own.

At the end of the conversation, you asked if I would join you and hangout with your friends to have “recreat

ional” fun. I swiftly declined. This was not something I would enjoy doing, and besides, I was supposed to deliver my cupcakes.

“I guess I’ll talk to you again in class.” I beamed. “By the way, do you have a facebook?” I queried the obvious question.

“F*** facebook,” You laughed as we exchanged a hug. That was my cue to leave.

You say I would make a better liar
And never face the music when it’s dire
And I breathe disaster, ever after
Don’t pull away from me now

The next morning, I casually reflected on the conversation. I felt a sense of embarrassment that I had spent the night ranting to someone as my first conversation with them. A introduction dialogue is not supposed to be that deep, but it was, and I felt awkward for it. I quickly thought of a solution. Since you didn’t have a facebook, I sent you an email and apologized. To my surprise, you accepted and gave me your telephone number. At first, I was taken aback by this. I was torn whether to text you or not. I knew that something life changing was happening but I did not want to accept it so easily.

After much contemplation, my heart wouldn’t have it any other way. The exact words were “A text for you,” in fear of once again ranting. I had class that day, and we randomly met outside the food court. You were wearing a black jacket, skinny jeans, toms shoes, and a red scarf. We continued to talk about life’s endeavors, once again exposing myself too much. Talking came easy around you, and this was new to me. You were smoking a cigarette; a nasty habit I usually cannot tolerate. I politely asked you to keep your distance while doing so, but that was a fail. You stood up to go away from me, and I followed. There was no breathing room between you. I felt like giving you a hug, and I proceeded to do so. I did not know this would be a lingering hug. It was not my intentions. I held you so tight; I pushed you up against the concrete wall. You laughed cunningly, as I did the same. Our time was short that day, of course. As I left to return to my domestic home, you gave me another hug and picked me up. I wrapped my legs around you. Suddenly – I felt a sense of warmth and comfort. I knew from this moment, the chances of staying away from you were non-existent.

That Friday, I would be going to my hometown to celebrate my birthday with friends and family. This was always a stressful time for me. My mother was very over-protective of me since the “incident” and made sure I eat a balanced meal. Taking the only coping mechanism I had left, I would often try and sleep my weekend away when I was in my hometown. This weekend, though, I was delighted with texted company….from yourself. We spent the entire weekend texting random nonsense and conversations. Sometimes it was a bit uncomfortable, as you asked me if I ever wanted to kiss you. I quickly replied with “Well that’s random and awkward to ask someone.” Apparently, I said the appropriate thing. Later on, I would learn a very new ex girl-friend was close by and jealously reading in on the conversations. This did not bother me. How could it? I didn’t know. *Giggles*

When the weekend retired, I still could not come back to my apartment. The snow had accumulated that visit. At this point, we were texting non-stop. This eventually led us to dust off the antique MSN Messenger. We would continue our random conversations into the morning dawn. My electricity kept getting damaged by the snow and I eventually confessed to you I would not be coming to class. Young, medicated, and impulsive – the three adjectives that described you best at the time led you to have a haphazard idea: coming and rescuing me from Mother Nature herself.

Since the snow was not as thick up North due to lack of mountains, you did not believe me that you would not be able to play the hero. In fact, our first phone conversation consisted of “Why do you hate me?” as being the opening line. I tried to convince you that I was concerned for your safety, and that’s how much I don’t hate you, but you would not hear it. You tried anyway, and that meant a lot to me. Did I think you were a little crazy? Of course but not too many would do that for someone they hardly know. Your friend deserves praise too (since he was the one driving.)

Don’t you move
Can’t you stay where you are, just for now
I could be your perfect disaster
You could be my ever after
You could be my ever after, after all

To Be Continued….

Dear Readers: I will continue this in the next few entries. I am not sure if I can…It is bringing back so many emotional memories. I thought that this part of my life has finally scarred, but writing this I realize: it’s very much an open wound. :'(.