Wednesday Morning

I am up and blessed with another day. I wish I could say life is good but it seems to be very grim. Depression and anxiety are at an almost unmanageable state. I got to do something to get out of the state. I am afraid that I will end up doing something stupid I don’t think I am at that point yet but I’ve been having some strong suicide thoughts,. I keep telling myself that I will never act on those thoughts but I still think of them from time to time.

Why have I been so down? Well like I said I had a bad fight with my fiance over a month ago. I really lost my temper with her. I didn’t go off on her but I was really pissed. We broke up. i didn’t want to break up I think that was her choice. I have been very depressed since then. I also have a problem I have to decide do I want her back? I keep asking myself will she take me back if I make the first move? Then I ask myself if it is even worth it I can’t find no good answer to these questions. Think I have some hard choices to make and I really seem stumped with this. I can’t make these choices and i keep running from them.

I guess the number one choice I need to make is do I want her back? This is not the first time we have had issues. We have been together for over ten years. I lost count over the number of times we have broken up over stupid issues.  Each time really hurt and I went on a downward cycle. I just get over the breakup and she always comes back. I have always taken her back because I lover her and do not want  to lose her. For over ten years it has been an on again and off again type of thing. It has been a real emotional roller coaster ride with ups and downs.  I must say they have taken its toll on my well being.

I keep asking myself is being in a relationship with this woman is really worth it? The latest issue has been over the caregiver situation. We were chatting on Facebook last month.My former fiance was accusing me of chatting with my caregiver. This was not the case. The caregiver did send me an instant message about a problem she was having with her neighbor. I told my fiance about this and she got very pissed. This was how it all got started and spiraled really out of control very fast. I kept telling her that I have not been chatting with the Caregiver and I have no interest in her. She would not believe me and why I got so pissed at her was that after all this time she cannot trust me. I keep thinking if there is no trust then this is not much of a relationship

I saw my therapist not too long ago. We talked about the situation.  I think he was trying to tell me the situation from my fiance’s point of view. In her eyes I am choosing the Caregiver over her. He didn’t tell me what to do but he suggested that as long as the current Caregiver is in the picture she will not be back. I guess what he was telling me was that it is either the Caregiver or the fiance. I told him right off the bat that I a not firing the caregiver. She is an excellent worker and I really need the help.

I keep thinking that if I fire this Caregiver and am lucky enough to get another she will have the same problem. I keep thinking that if we do get back together again things will be fine for a while. Then something else will happen and she will break up with me again. I can’t take it anymore. I need peace and stability in my life. I need to be drama free and strife free. I never thought I’d be saying this but I am not getting this from being with her.  I need to do what is best for me and my head is telling me that it is best to be alone and move on.

But my heart is saying something different. If she would come and knock on my door I would take her back in a heart beat. I love her and I will never stop loving her. I guess this is where I am at now. Should I follow my head or listen to my heart? I can’t make this decision and I think this is the source of my depressed state