Its not the holidays unless im depressed

 Well where should I begin. OObviously my previous entry set you up for what came next. I don’t want to waste another entry on her, but you all are my readers and I think you all that are interested deserve to know. Well the final straw has been drawn. She’s gone. She bailed…again. Like I was worried she would. The last entry gave basically all the details. Her ex that put her through hell, cheated on her, lied to her etc. Etc. Is back and they hung out the other day or whatever and that pissed me off. The ex is the person that manipulated her away from her friends and made her stop talking to me. Do you remember how that went? "Apparently I’m not allowed to talk to you"…."I’ll update you in a bit" and just never talked to me after that. Vanished like that…told me that shed tell me what’s up later and just left me hangin’. So the dude that got her to do that is back and has "friendship" to offer. And that so called friendship is more valuable than mine. The pain he caused is more valuable than all I’ve done. So apparently I’m the bad guy for not being happy that she’s going back to the asshole that made her bail on me and made her life hell…yup bc why would I want that for her…again. How does that make me the bad guy? I don’t get it. Also I’m. Apparently clingy and so used to having/being with someone…yup sooo clearly I’ve been with someone and had someone consistently for the past what? 3 years? Mhm. Sure…that makes sense. I haven’t had anyone for a looooong time and when she even points out "Ican have any guy I want… If Youre so great where’s your gf huh?". Contradictory don’t you think. But anyway it ended with me telling her that if she hates me so much then just fucking go. I told her that Iwas happy that sshe’s happy but I’m not happy its over the guy that caused so much shit for her. I told her jumping straight to dating doesn’t work. You gotta form a solid foundation first. At one point she said that he destroyed her bc she loved him and that their relationship went to shit before either of them could do anything so they both gave up.  How does that make sense? Its a relationship. If both parties try then it wouldn’t fall apart. If both give up then its not a relationship worth having bc neither of you fucking tried or worked through the bullshit.   I may be alone…again…during the holidays…again…but at least I know what it takes to make a relationship work. Its not my fault the ladies around me are too dumb to see it and are to obsessed with stupid ass stereotypes instead of paying attention to the fucking person. Any way. I told her that if she hates me to go and wished her luck and she said later. So she’s gone. Put another tally on the list of people that bail on me and times bailed on. So…she’s gone. I’m really getting annoyed with how often I have said "she’s gone". But now the girl that meant so much to me is gone and doesn’teven give a flying fuck. As she makes it out that she hates me… So….bye bye B. SSorry I wasted your time being a good friend and being there for you and helping you and all the shit I’ve done. I’m sorry you think your past and how you describe yourself and the circumstances of your situations define you as a person. I’m sorry you think I don’t know you. I’m sorry that you are so willing to just throw someone of my caliber away so often and with so little remorse. Im sorry I’ve never been good enough for your friendship. I’m sorry you haven’t learned a thing. You claim people change and that Youre an exampleof a person cchanging but here you are….bailing…again. People don’t change unless theres some serious trauma involved. I’vemade my pprediction… And you will probably one day come back and say I was right and a bland apology and expect me to just act like its ok….I won’t make that mistake again. You clearly never gave a damn about me and you clearly haven’t learned a thing. Im sorry I failed you.

She is gone.

In other news its not the holidays unless I’m depressed right? Of course. I love how alone I am during the holidays. I love how people always deem this time of year to be the best time to abandon me. I’m an amazing person and here I am feeling worthless and never good enough. Maybe b is right and theres something wrong with me. Why else would I be so alone all the time? Why else would everyone leave me? I’m depressed. And I work somewhere I hate. I feel more alone than ever. Its all soo empty. It hurts. Its fucked and all backwards. Maybe I should just be an asshole. Fuck whoever I want and just never get connected or attached to anyone. Just toy with people and shield myself off. 

Idk guys.

Night. Happy Thanksgiving. Idk what I’m thankful for besides my dogs.