venting

Alright time for me to vent a little bit. So, for starters this is on my phone because I’m laying down.

So B. You know who I’m talking about. Talks to me a bit more frequently now. But it’s still kinda whatever. Anyway, I’m at my friends house and she messages me about how she hates drama. I’m confused so I ask what’s going on? She tells me how K is getting busted by these two dudes she’s been playing. And how they are asking B for info and shit about K. And you all know what happened between me and K. She used me basically the same way. Got me to care and clearly she did not. So, I didn’t want to get dragged into it. It’s K getting caught being a whore and a bitch. Basically what she deserves. You test people like that and it should all crash down on your head and you should feel like shit. So, these two dudes are nagging to get into out of B and she’s looking to me for advice. I tell her she should just say "I don’t want to get involved." But of course the dudes nag and B NEVER listens to the one person she always been able to turn to and has proven himself right many times. That’s me by the way. So in their nagging they tell her that K talks shit about B. And I, not wanting to get involved, told her I don’t want involved they could just be saying that but I believe them. Because K talked down B a lot when me and her were… Whatever we were. B caught on to that and wanted more so I made her promise I wouldn’t get dragged into that stupid shit and I told her about K bad nothing her during mine and Ks…. involvement. Which proceeded to bring a lot of things to light. B vented a bit about K. Told me how she talks bad about me when I come up in conversation. (Wait… Why the fuck am I coming up in their convoy’s… Wish I had caught that way the time) 

[Anything negative she could say would be bull shit. I was great to her. I cared and I was there whenever she needed me. She is the one that should be talked bad about. Oh and shortly after that fell out with her… I called her on her shit and she said was that i was making her feel bad… Guess what…. She should. She has the potential to be awesome but chooses to treat people like shit and like they don’t have feelings. Guess what  sex isn’t everything and dudes do have emotions and they do feel pain. Sorry minor rant]

Back on topic. I ignore it at the time BC whatever right… She’s a bitch and can say whatever BC she’s in the wrong. Let B continue to vent about the things K has said about her and what not. Attention whore. And things like that. Eventually… One particular tale pops up in her ranting and describing shit about Ks whoring about. 

Apparently one time at like 3 am K left B in an amaco parking lot with as bunch of dudes so she could go fuck one of these dudes. B was a good friend and didn’t leave BC then K would’ve been busted by her parents or some shit. Which prompted me to ask…. Why the fuck didn’t she call me. (You instead of she BC it was to her). Fucking hell…Bs answer. I couldn’t leave or she’d get busted….. Idc. I would’ve at least sat there with her to ensure she was safe. But know she didn’t turn to me when her so called "best friend" who talks major shit about her abandons her in a fucking parking lot with a bunch of dudes to get laid. B could have…. Gah… Wtf… and there was more venting from b but I got frustrated and told her to just go to sleep. BC I didn’t want to just go off on her because a lot of her venting consisted of talking about how she covered for k and is up at 1 am talking to her and her boy toys when it all came crashing down on her and the kind of friend b has been to k and I’m just sitting there with the "are you fucking kidding me" face on. Oh b is up late helping k with shit that should be her responsibility. K should be handling the fallout of her shit and not passing it off on b. While… I’m just here like…. I am so far from relevant to this drama it’s ridiculous. And yet I’m up helping b deal with it…. Ummmm…. and before b stops talking to me (stops replying but clearly seeing my messages) she says "I’m not going to let it bother me. It’s whatever" B…. you feel asleep in a god damn parking lot around a bunch of dudes so she could fuck one of her boy toys…. She talks shit about you constantly…. and your going to brush this shit off and act like it’s nothing? If a friend isn’t mutually beneficial or clearly doesn’t give a fuck about you then.. That’s not a friend worth having. And yet I’m here like….. Bitch… All I’ve done for you…. And you treat me like I don’t matter… Like I mean nothing. You are going to value K… who did all that shit… over me… Who has done so much for you and always been honest and direct and there…

. So she messages me today asking a favor. I say maybe sand later on she tells me her and k are going to handle said favor so… again I’m frustrated. I say I dislike you. She asks why..I immediately regretted saying that because it just doesn’t seem worth it to say anything to her anymore. So I try not to tell her but of course I just say fuck it and say it as nice as possible with as little detail as possible.

"Let’s see idk i put so much into being there for u and shit thenyou trust strange ass nobodies over me you and value her over me it’s just constant what do I gotta do for you to open your eyes. And idk if I wanna say shit about it BC I’m trying alot to just be whatever when it comes to you BC it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore ya know?but I still wanna be there"

She thought I was mad over not getting to do the favor for her which I told her idgaf about that…my priorities are better than that

So I tell her if anything sparked it it was all the shit said the night before and how shitty a friend k is and I’m just here like…yup

She said "alrighty" to which I countered with "as expected"which led to her saying that she didn’t know what I wanted her to say.

"Hence why I was undecided as to whether to say or not. Its not really anti-you its just it’s impossible to mean much to you so why keep trying and letting it bother me so why say anything when saying something will just keep the wanting to mean something alive. Also there’s never a reaction other than anger and frustration if lucky so y bother ya know?"

She never replied after that.  

Its just….like…wtf. Idk had to vent about this a bit. 

Maybe k and b should be "friends". Neither seem to appreciate people that are worth a damn. Neither really open up ever. I mean by now b should be trying to prove me wrong. Trying to prove that somebody cares about me. As more than a friend or not… She should be trying to show that I’m not alone. My dark time hits me and she should be there for me. She is probably the one person who should want to prove my value to me. BC I do feel unappreciated and valueless. I mean what does it take to just get some real honest truth and trust out of you. Have I not proven myself. Can you not trust me? Do you just not care? Am I not worth your time? Do you see me as without value? Am I just a tool to you like I am everyone else? Do you realize how you are being just like k? Refusing to let anybody mean anything. Forcing yourself to be alone when I was right there with open arms ready

and willing to bear the weight of your troubles and to work with you to get past anything? K just used me and rolled out…are you just like her? Are you just gonna get your use out of me and just leave (again). Are you going to have no true friends? Are you going to just be another bloody footstep on my being? I believe there’s much more to you than that. I believe you’re better than that. I have faith in you and have had it in you when no one else did. I hope you realize this shit of just not answering, brushing everything off, running away and ignoring it all is getting old. I’m an exceptional person. Look at those who’ve meant so much to you and betrayed that and left. Look at all the people that have bailed for soooo much less. And here I am trying to hold on just a little longer, because I don’t want to believe I’m wrong about you. Im still here after you tossed me away showing how little I meant to you. I’m still here, and I’m not sure how much longer I can be with all this deflection and ignoring and running from and what not. Do you have any clue how many times ive ranted to you and you’ve promised you’d actually respond to the rant but really just waited until I didn’t care anymore…do you realize how much that is. Scroll waaaay back through our fb msg history and you’ll see…not counting the text rants and such. 

Do you even see any of this from my perspective..or even acknowledge it? Do I mean so little to you? To everyone? Am I only worth being a vending machine of cheering up and advice? At least a vending machine gets paid. I get nothing. I keep being convinced more and more how little I actually mean to people. Why haven’t you seen that and made even the slightest attempt to be there for me? And don’t say you have or didn’t know…you creep on my OD…the one place I can vent my vulnerabilities and feelings. You’ve known. I’ve put faith in you.

Am I wrong?