well hmm

 So here I am… Awake far too long. I got the nephew in the am and I can’t sleep at all. I’m just laying here and I can’t sleep no matter what I do. 

So my computer won’t cut on because the power cable that I’ve desperately been keeping alive for the past eight months has finally crapped out. Fucking lame. And I can’t order a new one because my ass is flat broke. So Im computerless for awhile. Fortunately I have my phone.

When I get my comp back on I’ll be posting some pictures because it’s been awhile.

So here I am. Laying here unable to sleep. Thoughts swarm in my head. I think about the people I’ve cared about and I realize that I genuinely was never truly appreciated. That sucks and it kinda makes me question my belief that honesty is the way to go. Don’t get me wrong I will always be straight forward as hell. Never going to stop but being honest has gotten me damn near nowhere. For a few people I kinda wish I never was so honest with them. By admitting I care I gave them power over me. I think this is part of why lately I’ve felt bland and careless. Why should I express my caring if it doesn’t ever pan out for me? by giving people that power over me they seem to take advantage of it instead of seeing it as something too hold as valuable. Currently I am just done with caring.Hopefully someone will come and give me a real reason to care again. I know that some of you will say that she will or that you hope she does soon. Thanks. Until someone gives me a real reason to care in just not really going to care about anyone. I’ll still be my default self and be there when I can but if people don’t come to me then they can fuck off lol sorry if that’s insensitive but I’m fed up with investing so much is myself in people that see me as a toy or a tool for them to take advantage of and give nothing back. Now I don’t expect much in return I just expect typo be treated like a human being with actual feelings, ya know. I expect to be treated as more than a tool/toy. I’d love to have someonei can lean on other than myself for a change. Now I know I have people I can talk to online and what not but black and white on a screen is only so right. I’d love to have someone around that I can lean on. I’m exhausted… Again. Im tired of always being the one standing tall and confident and providing a support for everyone. I’m entirely capable of doing it still but it’d be nice to have someone I can turn to. I’d like to be able to just once be weak for a bit and have someone build me back up. support me. I’d kill for some support from someone other than myself. I’m completely aware of the game I signed up for when I chose to commit to what I feel is right.I know that it’d be lonely and I’d be relying on myself a lot. But I do still crave the option to let it all out once in awhile and have someone be there ya know. The last time I had even the slightest bit of consolement (I don’t think that’s a word) was back when I was in a dark patch and the only reason she was providing it was because she was trying to get me to sleep with her. At least I can feel proud of my noble stance lol

Highlight of my day? My mother said "Kyle is like the perfect father" because I discipline the kid sand I do it right and I’m great with kids still. Fucking right. I told you all thati am going to be an amazing father and hopefully an amazing husband assuming I find her.

Squirt has gotten big. He’s about as big as the older boys now and still a pain in the ass. but I do love him.

Roxie is still my princess and she keeps me mostly sane. 

As far as amber is concerned… Still providing her a bit of support… Which I still don’t understand how I’m managing that lol 

I guess I should just lay here until sleep comes now.

Much love

The King