06/25/2012

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Today, I am transported back nearly 6 years. 20 years old, reading in a loft bed in a dorm room.
Certain songs make me nostalgic. Make me think fondly back on times and people that are now, long gone out of my life.

I used to think it was me.
I used to lose sleep over the loves lost. I used to mourn the loss of untrue friends and immature mistakes made by those who didn’t deserve my love.

Granted, I’ve made mistakes. But I’ve grown. And I couldn’t keep paying in pounds of flesh. I couldn’t keep apologizing.
I was being pulled in another direction. And if you didn’t want to travel with me as a friend – I can’t be bothered.

I’m on the threshold of something here. I’m growing as an artist. Learning the ins and outs of my art. Of history. Of the vintage I love. I see a beautiful photograph everywhere I turn.
Framed by light, an open door, a window frame, or with the countryside flying by.

I can feel change happening. I can feel my age creeping in – we are no longer 20 and we must leave that behind us. I can see my heart in that room, beating. I can see it breaking in the room next door just a year after. And missed opportunities. Missed loves. Arms comforting, but words never being said. “I watch your life play out in pictures from afar.”

How do you leave all that behind you? I was holding so tenaciously to the past that I wasn’t letting the present happen as it should.

Here we are now. In “the rest of our lives” at 25.
I can make something out of this. It’s hard work. But it’s not as I thought before, “an artist’s temperament without an artist’s talent.”
It’s more than that. It’s true love.
It isn’t easy – we work at it. But – as I grow, I think back to people who exist only in that previous time and place. They do not live in the present – they are unknown to me. Friends and lovers alike.

 

I don’t want to go back to that place. Ever. I don’t want a redo (not anymore).

I am working at making my present full of love and art. I am accepting this whole “growing up” thing that I’ve been resisting so vehemently.